To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

[haribosmarties]

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

I'd have sent a text on behalf of my DH explaining the issue lol

My MIL also has these problems, I was asked what I wanted so gave DH a list, he'd said a Ted Baker make up bag. I ended up with a massive see through toiletries bag with 5 other bags inside, none were make up bags, and she said I know you wanted the other thing but thought this was so much better.... I used them but still needed a make up bag lol 😂

I agree with the majority here. Smile nicely, say thank you and donate come NY. In the unlikely event she mentions it at a later stage tell her you used it a few times and although you loved the smell/texture/whatever, it really aggravated your eczema and so you passed it onto a friend.

Maybe in the summer, suggest that next year, as a family you don't give gifts at all, except maybe for kids. We started this a few years ago and it is so liberating!

This. Your DH is in the wrong here, MIL is trying her best. He's being a twat to both of you - one wastes cash and one gets a shit present. Both his fault.

Oh Op don't you dare upset your MIL-the one who can't be bothered to get the one thing you asked for!

Tell your husband you saw the message & let him sort it out.

He only needs to say that he thinks you'd rather what he had already told her!

I think MIL knows exactly what’s she’s done! A big smile & thank you will probably piss her off more & she can’t then bitch that whatever she buys you is wrong & you being high maintenance!
then send it to a charity!

Assuming it's shower gel and moisturiser (and maybe other similar bits) can your DH or children just not use the gift ?

@boomtickhouse theres always loads of backstory in families.. but I need to be fair to him in saying I understand why he would just say 'yes its fine' I dont think he's a shit person. Just someone who does not have any expectations of his mother due to being constantly let down throughout his life and who also doesn't want to cause any issues if at all possible because she's a difficult person and he is the one who will get it in the ear.
He absolutely would say something if I asked him to but I do see why it just didn't occur to him to initially.

My own DH would have texted back that product isn’t on my safe list . Then told her where she can buy an equivalent priced product that is safe. My allergies are severe though and that safe list is sacrosanct.

with your family dynamic, it’s probably a charity donation and a plan to treat yourself.

As Frustrating as it is, I’d would just keep quiet and give it away.
I do this with my mil every birthday and Christmas as she gives me things that are just useless to me and often repeated from previous years.

I'm not sure tbh, if you don't say anything you might end up with one every year? Might be better to raise it now. Or if you don't really need the gift then just regift/donate (every year).

What is it with Dove stuff too?
I don't have Excema but it set's my itch levels off the scale!

@Autumnleavesss my DD also has eczema.. altho she could try it I guess.. these things don't always effect everyone the same. I think I will just keep it in its packet and donate it to a shelter as it could be a nice gift for someone struggling if its unopened and still in its fancy packaging

Keep for a raffle or tombola prize. I sympathise. Mine has form for this - buys a bouquet with lilies in for my sister in law KNOWING she's allergic...

I totally disagree with the consensus!
Presumably your OH was fine with you using his phone. I'd say "your mum texted to say XYZ. Do you want to let her know that Dove doesn't work for my skin and makes my eczema flare up, but ABC are fine? "

Why can't you just tell your husband you saw her message and say what you've said on here? He can then advise her and she can keep the Dove items or give them to someone else and get you something more usable.

So why didn't you just say "DH, when I borrowed your phone earlier a text came in from your mum about my Christmas present. The brand she has suggested brings me out in a rash, do you want me to give you some other options to send back to her instead?"

That way you a) acknowledge that you saw the message and b) you can address the issue now.

I think as well, whilst you don't want to rock the boat it's better to rock it now than capsize it later - could you imagine your MILs AIBU "I have been buying my DIL Dove toiletries as part of her Christmas gift every year for the last X years as I never know what to buy her and this was suggested only to find out that she can't use them as she's allergic! She's been letting me waste my money for the last X years on stuff she knows she can't use and I feel bad that I haven't actually got her a present. AIBU to think she should have said something sooner so I could get something appropriate?"

Why ask for toiletries when you have eczema and can only use specific stuff 🤦‍♀️

OP you're getting conflicting replies because some PPs haven't read your OP properly.

All those with the 'donate to charity' or pass-agg suggestions have missed that MIL actually asks if the Dove gift is OK, so she is presumably open to the fact that it isn't. It's not like she's spent loads of money on it and can easily give to someone else or use it herself.

You should tell DP to reply- oh that's a kind thought but I do know that brand will make her eczema worse, and it can be so painful. She can use X brand or you could get her (cheap and foolproof suggestion)

there really is a serious danger of decades of Dove gifts otherwise

No I would never do that on actually opening. That's quite cruel when the husband had chance to tell her so she will feel shit about it.

The smell of Dove products makes me feel a bit sick. I have told my mum this several times but she always buys me a set. I just stick it in the foodbank donation trolley in Sainsbury’s.

Every year I get stuff I don't want or like from my in laws I.e. prosecco related gifts when I haven't drunk alcohol for years now but I just say thank you and it goes in the regift pile.

If that's the consensus I disagree with it. Tell dp. He tells his mum . She gets something else for you and gives the Dove to someone else.

A dove gift set is an absolutely tragic present.

It's a supermarket brand. The body shop is the same stuff you put in your trolley.

Anyway, just accept it, regift. She's not going to be checking the bathroom for it if you don't see each other

Your DH can easily pretend that this is information that he knows about you in this instance and just reply "Oh no mum! Her eczema reacts badly to Dove, could you take it back an change it for xxx"

I empathise OP. Similar situation here. I have told parents in law many times to please not get me one specific thing as I can’t use it. Every year they buy it without fail and say “I know you told us not to get this for you but it’s just a bit of fun…”

It’s beyond my understanding. I feel like telling them outright that it will just go to charity / to the foodbank. It’s not fun for me.

They have bought it again this year apparently. It’s actually getting quite hard to be civil about it but not worth the aggro. I’ll just give them to the foodbank as I do every year.

@JaneAustensHeroine Have a box in the corner labelled 'foodbank' and as they hand said gift to you offer them the foodbank box instead.