... to expect my 5 year old to do something she doesn't wany to?

[letloz]

I was in alone with the 5 (nearly 6) year old today. Quite fancied going to a second hand clothing sale in the centre of town- DD wasn't keen. I can understand she wouldn't get much out of it, but I explained we'd only be there half an hour, gave examples of all the MANY things we are doing this weekend for her benefit (going to legoland tomorrow, made pancakes and played video games with her this morning) and how it would be nice for her to do something for someone else, even offered a cafe trip. Still refused to go. I found myself turning off all the screens and refusing to play with her, ad if she wouldn't do something nice to me, why should I do more nice things for her? It felt like a bit of an adult sulk, but really wasn't/am not sure how else to approach the situation. If it had been something non negotiable, like a medical appt, obviously I would have put my foot down more, but I'm more disappointed that she was unwilling to put someone else's wishes before her own for a change. Or AIBU to expect this of a 5 year old?

Not sure why you asked her instead of "shoes on, we're going out." Lot of unnecessary words/language/cajoling avoided.

I think at that age it’s best only to give a choice if you’re happy for them to say no. In your shoes I’d have just told her that’s what we were doing.

By asking you’re giving her the option to say no, then punishing her for it.

You're negotiating too much. She's 5, you tell her you're going into town and that's it. I don't think the emotional blackmail of " If you won't do what I want then I'm not doing what you want" is ideal but I think you're giving her way too much control in the first place.

I agree, I wouldn’t have even had that conversation. I would have just got them ready and gone.

Stop negotiating. You have to go out, she goes with you. You are setting yourself up for a nightmare when she's older. She doesn't have the empathy you expect of her. You are setting her up to fail in that sense. You feeling disappointed for something that she doesn't have the physical capabilities for is very unfair.

Your behaviour sounds really childish. If your partner gave you the silent treatment and refused to interact with you people on here would be saying they’re abusive. Are you the parent? Do you normally allow free access to screens? Did you ask her to go or did you tell her this where you are going? You need to turn off the screens before you start talking to children to make sure you have their attention.

this get your jacket we are leaving in 5. I don't think you need any discussion about it other than mummy is going to...

How on earth would a 5 year old remember all that?, just get on with what you are doing

Wow, she’s 5. You tell her you’re going out and to get her shoes on. That’s that.

If she moans while out, then you use that as a chance to teach her about sometimes doing nice things for others.

There is such a thing as giving young children too much choice and control, and it’s not a good thing.

You don't need to ask her permission - just take her!

I think as PPs have said, your mistake was to ask.
You should have just said this is what is happening now, and later we'll do this.

What everyone else said. No discussion.

I am confused why you were trying negotiate in the first place?

You say if it was somewhere you absolutely needed to go, you would put your foot down. So you can make her go places she doesn’t fancy.

Dont understand why you just didn’t deal with it like that.

But the whole ‘well I won’t play with you’ isn’t the right way to deal with it. Children don’t have the same thought processes and emotions that adults do. You can’t make her want to go. But you can make her go.

If you ask her "can we" (insert boring thing here) then of course she's going to say no. But you don't need her permission. Get her ready and tell her you're both going shopping.

This.

She is 5. Its very unlikely she will be able to put other peoples feelings ahead of her own. But its your job to teach her.

But whatever, if you need to go out then you do. Stroppy 5 year old or not. At that age it isn't really negotiable.

A bit of bribery doesn't hurt. "We are going out after snack time, I think there might be a cafe where we are going - do you want a hot chocolate when we get there? Mummy needs to look for a few things as well while we are there. Eat up, here are you shoes"

fwiw you are bombarding her with emotions she doesn't understand that's not fair she is 5. just take her places some she will live some she won't that's fine you want to go she can tag along.

Ugh I really hate that way of dealing with behaviour you don't like. Tell her off or don't but that emotionally blackmail stuff is not on OP. It's actually really damaging. It's fine for her to do something she doesn't want to do but you need to be clear and straightforward about it. Have confidence in yourself as her parent.

I personally wouldn't bother talking my 5 yr old even if I fancied it because I have learned that their restless boredom ruins the experience for me, but maybe you are different and yes, you just say 'we're going'.

It's not even a case of puting your foot down for something important. It's just the way life is at 5. You do as your parent expects on most aspects of life.

Mine would have been the same at 5 and still is at 17 .At this age though it's fine to just say that you need/want to do whatever it is and she needs to come too. If she protests you can gently remind her that you are going to legoland tomorrow.

At 5 she doesn’t get a choice.

Don't give her a choice if she isn't allowed to say no, that isn't fair. I'd have said "We're going to X, would you like to go Y or Z afterwards?"; makes it a jolly experience where she's contributing to what happens, but within a range of choices that are allowed. You've backed yourself into a corner now, because your choices aren't real so step resist them.

You can now at least model for her how to get out of a sulk successfully. Say "Sorry I got grumpy, I really wanted to go to the shop."

What have I just read? Put her coat on get in the car and go. She’s learning from your behaviour by throwing a strop - honestly I found your reaction quite bizarre.

It’s kind of like your treating her like an adult expecting her to negotiate. You gave her the choice, she’s 5, she’s not going to go if she doesn’t want to then you punished her for that?

Are you an adult ? Act like one, don't ask a 5 year old bloody well tell them. YOU.ARE.THE.PARENT!

It might help to reduce the activities by 75% maybe there is too much going on. Spend some very quiet time at home doing activities that don’t involve shopping, noise, screens, gaming. Make cards, cook pancakes or whatever but make it simple. You can let her know you appreciate her company by pointing out positives she is doing. It’s achievable and easy. She’ll remember these things in 20 years. She’ll also remember emotional game playing and it’s not the way forward. Be the adult, be in charge and stop passing responsibility to her, she needs you to be in control and safe. Make the decisions, don’t overload her she’s far, far too young.