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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect my 5 year old to do something she doesn't wany to?

158 replies

letloz · 25/11/2023 10:45

I was in alone with the 5 (nearly 6) year old today. Quite fancied going to a second hand clothing sale in the centre of town- DD wasn't keen. I can understand she wouldn't get much out of it, but I explained we'd only be there half an hour, gave examples of all the MANY things we are doing this weekend for her benefit (going to legoland tomorrow, made pancakes and played video games with her this morning) and how it would be nice for her to do something for someone else, even offered a cafe trip. Still refused to go. I found myself turning off all the screens and refusing to play with her, ad if she wouldn't do something nice to me, why should I do more nice things for her? It felt like a bit of an adult sulk, but really wasn't/am not sure how else to approach the situation. If it had been something non negotiable, like a medical appt, obviously I would have put my foot down more, but I'm more disappointed that she was unwilling to put someone else's wishes before her own for a change. Or AIBU to expect this of a 5 year old?

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 25/11/2023 11:54

I agree. YABU in that you don’t ask a 5 year old, you tell them. Probably right up until the age they can be left home alone for a couple of hours.

I do it myself with my older dd, for some reason I have a tendency to say ‘do you want to put your shoes on now’ rather than ‘put your shoes on’ which is what I mean when I say ‘do you want to …’ . Expecting a child to pick up on tones and subtle unsaid meanings is unreasonable/inviting an opinion when you have no intention of debating it.

Marblessolveeverything · 25/11/2023 11:54

She is 5, you are the parent. What are you intending on doing if she doesn't want to attend dentist, doctor, school?

Yes offer options when appropriate but no I wouldn't let a 5 year old dictate. Teen years will be a disaster.

By all means provide context and explain yes you did XYZ for her it's your turn now, not negotiable.

You are also teaching her you are important and your wants are also important to be met.

DeadButDelicious · 25/11/2023 11:55

You gave her the option, she chose no, you can't get annoyed with her for choosing one of the options available to her. At that age, if it's something you really want or have to do it's better to just tell them that's what you're doing today and not get into a negotiation with them.

Refusing to play with her and taking away screen time etc because she didn't make the 'right' choice isn't ok OP. She's 5, she doesn't understand the complexities of things like that all she knows is that she made a choice and now she's being punished for it.

belleager · 25/11/2023 11:55

Try not to guilt-trip children that age.

They are still working on impulse control, reading situations and emotions, understanding what adults want of them. They need to know that they're not bad people and that the adults around them love them unconditionally. I'm sure you do but yes, you are expecting too much from a child of five.

Goodornot · 25/11/2023 11:56

Why let a 5 year old control where you go. Ahe doesn't get to choose you tell her we're going to town now.

Goldbar · 25/11/2023 11:57

Notimeforaname · 25/11/2023 11:48

Refusing to play with your daughter unless she makes the right decision about leaving the house and what to do for the day is... horrible. I cant think of another word. I hope this post is fake because it's very uncomfortable

I've done this once. It's one of the parenting moments I'm most ashamed of. My child kept badgering me to buy them a certain toy and eventually I gave in and bought it. I then lost my temper and hectored them the whole way home about it until they cried because I was cross with myself for being weak and giving in. When we reached home, I got a grip, gave them a hug and explained that mummy was in the wrong. My only defence is that I was heavily pregnant and sleep-deprived and it was during a heatwave.

Sparklesocks · 25/11/2023 12:01

Kids that young are often still learning that life is sometimes about doing things you don’t want to do, it just seems unfair to them and they are still developing the emotional understanding that sometimes we do things other people want even if we aren’t keen. As others have said, you should’ve just taken her along.

ThePineapplePrincess · 25/11/2023 12:05

She’s 5. You are placing emotions, feelings and expectations on her that she doesn’t have. Children don’t have the ability to reason until they’re age 7.

I think you were really cruel to her, refusing to play with her because she didn’t behave how you expected, when your expectations were inappropriate and out of order.

You should apologise for acting the way you have, but in future, it’s a simple case of “we’re going to X today. Let’s get our shoes on and see what we can see on the way!”

IdealisticCynic · 25/11/2023 12:05

She’s 5. It’s absolutely fine to say we have to go somewhere without negotiation. It is NOT fine to refuse to interact with her and say if she wouldn't do something nice for you, why should you do nice things for her.

WhamBamThankU · 25/11/2023 12:09

You shouldn't have offered her a choice. My autistic child will sometimes say "no thank you" when I say we're going somewhere as he thinks being polite means he has the option 😅 you tell her that's what you're doing and if you want to add in a cafe trip to sweeten the deal then say that.

Smartiepants79 · 25/11/2023 12:10

Stop asking questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.
She’s 5. It’s not her decision.
You wanted to go out - “come on DD, get your coat we’re going out. Mummy needs to go to the shops and if you’re a good girl I’ll take you to the cafe for a biscuit!”
She doesn’t know what a second hand sale is - why would she want to go? Take her and make it fun.
Stop negotiating with a 5 year old.

missmollygreen · 25/11/2023 12:12

Sawaranga · 25/11/2023 10:48

Not sure why you asked her instead of "shoes on, we're going out." Lot of unnecessary words/language/cajoling avoided.

This. You don't reason with a 5 year old

TooManyBastardingFucksToGive · 25/11/2023 12:13

You tried to guilt trip a 5 year old?! That is so manipulative.
Then you punished her when she wouldn’t comply.
She’s 5!

Tandora · 25/11/2023 12:17

Eek this is not appropriate parenting. She’s 5, you shouldn’t be engaging with her in this type of negotiation and expecting her to take responsibility for your emotional needs!

You are not unreasonable to want to go somewhere / do something for yourself for part of the weekend. So you tell her to put her on coat and shoes and off you go!

Do not make it her responsibility to choose, and then punish her for making the wrong choice. That’s really manipulative and completely unfair on a 5 year old who doesn’t possess the emotional maturity or perspective taking to choose to sacrifice her own desires for yours!!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 25/11/2023 12:24

Sawaranga · 25/11/2023 10:48

Not sure why you asked her instead of "shoes on, we're going out." Lot of unnecessary words/language/cajoling avoided.

Exactly, she is 5, it is not a choice she gets to make.

MeadStMary · 25/11/2023 12:36

You don't give her a choice, you tell her to get her shoes on because you need to pop out. If you give her the choice between going out to do something boring and staying at home then of course she's going to choose staying at home. I don't understand why you would expect anything else.

And stop emotionally blackmailing your 5yo! It's disgusting behaviour.

Original poster
letloz · 25/11/2023 12:37

And then when she says no? My go to would be 'OK, then we're not doing x that you wanted to do', but I didn't really think it was ideal to resort to that either.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 25/11/2023 12:37

If you needed to do a food shop would you have asked her? I would just have told her you were going to a shop without elaborating and think of something fun she would like to do later in the day. You sulking and not going to the second hand clothes sale and presumably her being unhappy because you refused to play with her and turned off screens just resulted in lose lose. You can't ask a 5 year olds permission on everything you want to do. You are the adult.

spriots · 25/11/2023 12:39

letloz · 25/11/2023 12:37

And then when she says no? My go to would be 'OK, then we're not doing x that you wanted to do', but I didn't really think it was ideal to resort to that either.

What do you do if she says no to going to school?

Basically do that.

Original poster
letloz · 25/11/2023 12:39

OK, I get the general gist here is 'tell her she's going', but what when she then flat out says no? (Which she has done in the past)

OP posts:
Mangledrake · 25/11/2023 12:40

letloz · 25/11/2023 12:37

And then when she says no? My go to would be 'OK, then we're not doing x that you wanted to do', but I didn't really think it was ideal to resort to that either.

Do you often have trouble with her being disobedient? Is this a new problem?

cansu · 25/11/2023 12:40

If she point blank refuses to get in the car personally I would send her to her room and cancel the outing tomorrow. You are allowing far too much leeway.

Beezknees · 25/11/2023 12:43

letloz · 25/11/2023 12:39

OK, I get the general gist here is 'tell her she's going', but what when she then flat out says no? (Which she has done in the past)

Then you punish her. Not using immature methods like refusing to play with her. Cancel other things she enjoys doing. Removing screens is fine. Or honestly I'd physically pick my child up and take them out the house at age 5.

Setyoufree · 25/11/2023 12:43

I don't really understand. Saying no isn't an option - "we're going out, get your shoes on". Not a question, a statement. You're the adult and she's 5, so she does what she's told. Don't ask her for her opinion!

Ffsnotaconference · 25/11/2023 12:44

letloz · 25/11/2023 12:39

OK, I get the general gist here is 'tell her she's going', but what when she then flat out says no? (Which she has done in the past)

So what do you do if it’s a ‘non negotiable’ thing you have to do?

Are you saying if she flat out says no to something, you just don’t do it?