... to expect my 5 year old to do something she doesn't wany to?

[letloz]

I was in alone with the 5 (nearly 6) year old today. Quite fancied going to a second hand clothing sale in the centre of town- DD wasn't keen. I can understand she wouldn't get much out of it, but I explained we'd only be there half an hour, gave examples of all the MANY things we are doing this weekend for her benefit (going to legoland tomorrow, made pancakes and played video games with her this morning) and how it would be nice for her to do something for someone else, even offered a cafe trip. Still refused to go. I found myself turning off all the screens and refusing to play with her, ad if she wouldn't do something nice to me, why should I do more nice things for her? It felt like a bit of an adult sulk, but really wasn't/am not sure how else to approach the situation. If it had been something non negotiable, like a medical appt, obviously I would have put my foot down more, but I'm more disappointed that she was unwilling to put someone else's wishes before her own for a change. Or AIBU to expect this of a 5 year old?

You should expect more of yourself. If you're in thrall to the demands of your 5 year old daughter then your mutual future is assured. Sometimes everyone has to do some things they don't want to and she needs to learn how to deal with that.

Coat on, shoes on, we are going out. Tbh you sound more like the child than the adult.
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Sorry but you were foolish to make it a choice you’ve made a massive deal out of something that shouldn’t have even been a discussion.

With my daughter who is also 5, it's a case of "right come on, we've got to pop out'. These outings recently usually consist of trawling around what she likes to call boring shops like Wickes or B&Q.

She's a bit young for altruism although it's good to model and encourage it. But she's a perfect age for you to determine the weekend's schedule and tell her what the deal is.

Totally agree it shouldn’t have been a choice. We’re going here then we’re going to do y.

No point putting all the emotional expectations on this either. She’s 5. It’s too much to expect her to associate something happening in the future with something happening right now and express it in the form of gratitude.

children learning to make choices including those which think of others is really important. Giving children too much choice and control is not healthy for them and can lead to a lot of anxiety.

You can spin anything to a child that age. Mine’s 4, you just say what the plan is and get on with it. The emotional blackmail is insane. You pander, fail to cajole then sulk hoping she’ll feel suitably guilty to change her mind. Would you like it if someone did that to you? It’s really horrible.

It was also true at that age, that my children were not willing to do anything when the alternative was screens. Screens off was an important precursor to any activity.

If you ask, it means that it’s ok to say no.
You should have told her to put her shoes and coat on because she’s coming out with you. Most 5/6 year olds wouldn’t want to go shopping but they they sometimes have to tag along 🤷‍♀️

I agree with PP. YABU because you shouldn’t have given her a choice.

A friend of mine does this. Says things like “do you want to put your coat on Ellie?” when it’s fucking pouring with rain. Ellie says no, and it’s now “a situation “

Oh God, this 100%!

Just tell her you're going and make the trip as exciting for her as you can. I have a pile of sticker books in the corner that are meant for grabbing in situations like this.

YANBU to expect her to do things she doesn't always want to do. I'm a lone parent so plenty of times DS has had to come with me when younger to do boring things (food shop, come to dentist or doctor appointments with me, etc). Just tell her that's what's happening.

YABU and pathetic to refuse to play with her because "why should I do something nice for her if she won't for me." Grow up.

She's 5. Be a parent.
You did a lot of fun stuff, then it's OK. get your coat we're heading out for a bit. Not her decision what you do.

You're giving her far too much power here. You're supposed to be in charge, not her.

If she's got the better of you at age 5 just wait till she's 15. Oof.

What do you mean she refused to go?

She's five. You put her shoes and coat on and take her!

I agree. 5yos live in the moment. You're expecting an unreasonable degree of emotional maturity.

It's fine for her to whine and be bored, but she's not yet at the age when you can expect her to put a happy face on even if she's not feeling it.

Blimey. She's 5, you don't ask her, you tell her. Don't be a wet lettuce of a parent or you're going to find things very difficult when she's a teenager.

I agree with the person who said stop negotiating. Painful now but worth the investment it is.

I'm honestly confused reading this and uncomfortable with how you spoke to your daughter.. she is 5.
She doesn't make decisions about where you go and it's like you're emotionally bothering her, "do this for me, I am doing this for you'...its not transactional???

Why are you expecting a little child to be able to comprehend this?? Why are you expecting your 5 year old to want to do something for you??
This is why you make the decisions and tell them what to do at this age.

This is all very strange.

Refusing to play with your daughter unless she makes the right decision about leaving the house and what to do for the day is... horrible. I cant think of another word. I hope this post is fake because it's very uncomfortable

utterly bizarre. Do you ask her if she wants to go to school every day too? And if she doesn't, not take her?

I'm not sure at aged 5 the brain is even developed yetnto know and understand other peoples feelings and the concept of negotiation.

As everyone else has said, you don't ask - you tell your child what's happening.

She’s too young to put other people’s feelings ahead of her own in the way you expect. Far too young.

Mine just get told “We’re going to x.” If they complain then “We’re doing y and z that you want to do this weekend, x is Mummy’s turn to choose. Go put your shoes on.” They get the concept of turn taking/being fair quite young but not yet altruism!