... to expect my 5 year old to do something she doesn't wany to?

[letloz]

I was in alone with the 5 (nearly 6) year old today. Quite fancied going to a second hand clothing sale in the centre of town- DD wasn't keen. I can understand she wouldn't get much out of it, but I explained we'd only be there half an hour, gave examples of all the MANY things we are doing this weekend for her benefit (going to legoland tomorrow, made pancakes and played video games with her this morning) and how it would be nice for her to do something for someone else, even offered a cafe trip. Still refused to go. I found myself turning off all the screens and refusing to play with her, ad if she wouldn't do something nice to me, why should I do more nice things for her? It felt like a bit of an adult sulk, but really wasn't/am not sure how else to approach the situation. If it had been something non negotiable, like a medical appt, obviously I would have put my foot down more, but I'm more disappointed that she was unwilling to put someone else's wishes before her own for a change. Or AIBU to expect this of a 5 year old?

I have a very nearly 5 year old. I think Yabu to expect her to be able to actively choose to put your wants before hers. I would have told her we were going, and if I wanted to encourage her I'd say that afterwards I would buy her X or take her to y.

I think you’re giving her too much control and expecting too much.

At age 5 there’s no asking, just telling.

Why are you negotiating with a 5 year old ?

It really is unreasonable of you to consider a 5 year old capable of being 'considerate and mature' - that's not an expectation any young child should have put upon them.

I just think you're overthinking everything a bit, here. Sometimes we all drag our kids to things they don't particularly enjoy but there are ways of trying to sweeten the pill, aren't there? Feeding the ducks or going to the park on the way home? Allowing them to buy something small for someone for Xmas? Lunch out or a little sweat treat afterwards?

I think you'll find the majority of vitriol you've received here is due to you saying you had been 'off' with your DD after she vetoed going, which just seems like a really immature reaction from you and difficult to relate to when most of us don't 'ask' our kids in the first place.

Don't take it personally, OP. Go and do something nice with your DD. The weekend is almost over.

At her age you can't expect her to want to do something nice for you. And I think possibly the more you tried to sell it and plead with her the more she wouldn't want to go
It would have been better if you had just said we are going to X then after we have been there we are going to do (something you knew she would like) and just play it down.

I initially voted YANBU because I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 5yo to come along to something that isn't particularly their choice.

Having read the responses, I agree that the mistake was more the way it was presented, rather than the expectation that she come along.

I agree that it should have been presented as "We're going here today, and then where would you like to go afterwards?"

I don't agree with "never ask always tell" for a 5yo, because I think learning to negotiate is a skill that they CAN start to learn and if you weren't that bothered about going to the 2nd hand shop, then you could have presented it as a choice or approached it as a shared discussion. I do agree with posters saying it's not fair to present something as a choice and then punish her for making the wrong choice.

But, def recognise that their sense of empathy/etc won't be that well developed yet and that you do need to be a bit more upfront with prioritising your own needs/wishes as well, this is part of how they learn to balance their needs with other people's.

I think in your situation I'd start laying the groundwork a few days in advance. Ie on Saturday we're going to do one fun thing DD likes, and one fun thing Mummy likes. What do you want to do DD? Sure, fine. I want to do this other thing. What's that, you hate my thing? Well, that's a shame, but I do get to choose, just like you. Either both DD AND MUMMY get to do something they like, or nobody does. Does that make sense?

OK, you still hate it. I understand, no-one does anything fun then.

Oh is it OK now? Great.

No idea which way to vote as YANBU to expect her to be doing things she hasn't chosen to do, but YABU to be "asking" her permission to go somewhere you want / need to go.
Like so many others have said, she is 5. At that age, you, as the parent make the decisions, not try to put it on her shoulders.
YABU to allow you to negotiate with you.
Her choices around this are "We are going out, do you want to wear your red gloves or the blue mittens?", not "Will you let Mummy go to the shop?"
She is 5