to think that 4 boys should not be a deal breaker

[ItsCagain]

We have 4 boys 15 13 11 6. i can’t help but feel so jealous at people who go to Christmas markets with their kids. We can barely go out for dinner without them killing each other or be so difficult you just want to leave. This morning i saw some pic of a friend with their son and daughter last night and it makes me so sad that we can’t do that anymore with ours or at least not without complete despair

YABU. Presumably you chose to have 4 kids.

Why on earth did you have four kids???

@Pinkfluff76
Why on earth did you have four kids???
What a ridiculous comment.
How has that got anything to do with you?

I have five kids (15, 13, 11, 8, 1) and who gets on with who seems to change on a daily basis and they can all turn on each other in seconds. Generally the eldest 2 are firm friends, the 11 year old is easy going enough to get on with anyone and the 8 year old winds everyone up constantly (while I grit my teeth and hope it’s a phase). The baby unites them.
Despite them frequently trying to kill each other and having various sensory needs and neurodivergences between them we do manage some lovely days out. But the happy photos on social media don’t reflect the meltdown in the car park or one pushing the other in mud or whatever other ridiculous antics they’ve gotten up to that day. Never a Christmas market though, those things look like hell on earth even without kids.

I feel your pain I only had two boys thirteen mounts apart I wad not a mother I was a referee !!

I have four teens, roughly a year apart from each other.
It gets better. These days they don’t fight. They just bicker.

I am aware that this may not be much consolation.

Why do kids fight with their siblings so much these days?
I grew up as a third child (4 of us) and simply weren’t allowed to argue and fight!
As youngsters if we fought over something it’s was taken away and none of us had it, so we grew up learning that if we argued we lost out. I listen to my friends who have 2 kids and never understand why their kids get away with arguing and fighting about every little thing! I think we give our kids too much choice, “where would you like to go to today”…… one wants to go to a soft BG play the other wants to paint pottery… whichever you choose one kids kicking off and sulking all day. Staying home is no longer a punishment because all their tech is at home do they’re quite happy sat on that all day anyway… and most parents won’t ban the tech because it keeps the kids quiet and stops them arguing more! We had none of that.. so we either went where we were taken and learnt to all enjoy it or got punished… and most of the time we loved every single thing we did.
I remember days out, splashing in the sea or in rivers… playing rounders in the forest, climbing trees, building dens,… we used our imaginations and made up games together and all got on otherwise it wasn’t fun.
I think today kids want want want… we enjoyed the simple things like board games and climbing trees… skipping etc… we also played for hours and didn’t need our parents to entertain or direct us… kids now seem almost unable to play or communicate unless tech involved.

Mine didn't fight at all, but I only have two, separated by a 4 year gap and girl-boy. However, they also aren't close. I guess fighting helps in bonding too!

My friend, a GP, recommends exercising boys before going out, going to bed etc - her mate (mum of several boys) told her how much of a difference it makes to their behaviour.

Good luck

I do think some of it is down to personality, some dc are easier going than others obviously

I do wonder if lockdowns have played a part in it with my younger 2 though, the now 12 almost 13 year old used to love going for walks, we would walk for miles up until the last lock down at Xmas, he's refused to go walking since and became quite miserable about it all and quite negative towards his younger brother

I do wonder if we are seeing the affects of children spending too much time with siblings when usually they'd have been in school, activities or having friends round

I've got 2 of each and manage days out just fine. At home however it's a different story and I'm actually having to stand between them at times now as the fighting can be quite full on. Just don't do anything fun with them for a bit until they appreciate their behaviour is stopping the trips and hopefully they'll behave for you. It's bloody hard work, it's not real life on social media

I think that it's inevitably going to be trickier to manage larger groups of dc, where your parenting time is divided up more.

I think this is just a part of having a larger family.

I feel your pain! We have 3 boys aged 6, 4 and 2 and after taking them anywhere, we’re mentally exhausted! It is so difficult. I suggest ‘nice’ things to do and we do it, and I feel like we have failed massively as parents because it’s not been the Insta perfect time that everyone else seems to have with their offspring! I also get pangs of jealousy and feel upset, but then I think they are so young and my expectations are probably unrealistic! Wish me luck for this weekend’s Christmas market…☺️

My boys are 17 & 18 and stopped trying to kill each other in public about a year ago. We were out walking the dog the other day, in a field, in the dark and they were pushing each other over in the mud so not stopped completely and at home it’s all the time.

I have two boys, and I would not take them to a Christmas Market if someone paid me serious money.

That is all

My sister and I fought very minimally. I’m not really sure how my parents achieved it other than not allowing us to be horrible to each other. It wasn’t tolerated and they encouraged us to like each other.

DH is one of four with 2 girls and 2 boys and he was the 3rd. He fought with his older brother and younger sister constantly growing up. Younger sister was treated like a princess and still is. Older brother is treated like an equal to father whereas DH is treated like an outsider because he’s not the academic his brother is and he doesn’t put up with his sister’s shit. DH and his younger sister still argue regularly when they see each other because she is selfish, rude and thinks she’s above everyone else. DH doesn’t keep a poker face well where she’s concerned. MIL and FIL let it slide from BIL and SIL but DH was and still is hauled over the coals for it.

We’re about to have our 3rd DC, a DS, and have 2 DDs already. Not being kind to each other will not be tolerated. If they can’t say anything nice, they will be encouraged to say nothing. Maybe I’m just lucky that DDs like each other at 9 and 3. Teen years may be different but their ages are far enough apart hopefully.

There is also something to be said for not dragging kids out to things you know they’ll hate.

Stop trying to play Happy Families OP - you are trying to indulge YOUR fantasy, not the reality.

Take only those who really want to go. Just go by yourself if it gets down to it!

I've 4 children, 3 of them girls , 2 ND and they always behaved very well when I took them out anywhere. They did have their moments at home but generally nothing too major. I must have been lucky.

Sorry op but there's no slightly on the spectrum...they either are or aren't!

I’ve read ‘some aspects of autism’ on diagnosis letters from psychiatrists. I think that might be what people mean.

I have 2 boys and a girl, they all fight equally. My youngest even managed to try and pick a fight with their not even month old cousin last week (jealousy... yeay).

Nothing to do with sex.

When I had 1 child there was no fighting at all... only because the cat didn't fight back, oldest was still a wind up merchant looking for something to project onto.

I had two boys around a year apart in age. When they were little, I only hung round with other mums who also had two boys not far apart in age. We used to leave soft play areas when ‘Mums of girls’ came in 🤣

It gets better over time. Don’t look at other people and think the grass is greener. I hung out with some family members who had a couple of well behaved girls. They wanted me to do stuff with them constantly - Come and colour; come and see me dance; etc. My boys may have be tearing chunks out of each other, but at least they could entertain themselves 🤣

There's always people to compare yourself to if you want to make yourself miserable, but you just have to enjoy what you have.

You are really lucky to have four children. I would love a big family but am infertile and struggling to have my first.

I am sorry you are experiencing this , and it would make me sad too . I am sure you have tried everything, including laying down the law ? My 2 girls mostly got on when they were younger, but when they fought it was pretty awful . They are now 16 & and 19 and are literally best friends . In my experience it does get better as they get older . I wish I could offer better words of wisdom , but you have my solidarity x

Ha ha I bet your friend took the nice photo when she could but I bet there was still have the meltdowns with each other. I’ve got a teen boy and girl and they will fight like cat and dog and then be best mates the next minute. My son hates doing things as a family and will pretty much moan the whole time for one reason or another. I was 1 of 3 and the only girl and we were exactly the same