to think that 4 boys should not be a deal breaker

[ItsCagain]

We have 4 boys 15 13 11 6. i can’t help but feel so jealous at people who go to Christmas markets with their kids. We can barely go out for dinner without them killing each other or be so difficult you just want to leave. This morning i saw some pic of a friend with their son and daughter last night and it makes me so sad that we can’t do that anymore with ours or at least not without complete despair

I’d probably just take them individually or in 2’s. Means you get to go more than once too!

My sis had 4 kids, 2 of each, and they are a nightmare together. Biggest issue is one of the girls v one boy. They literally fight physically. My eldest DS was a nightmare no matter where we went, always arguing and complaining even when one to one. He has started to improve recently, mid teens now but the pattern is that we split up, usually DH hangs out with DS1 and i stay with younger 2. They get on great and there is rarely a cross word, we have lovely times together. People compliment me on their behaviour and I find I'm almost defensive. I didn't make them pleasant and easy going anymore than I made their brother argumentative and opinionated. I did my best with all of them and they are who they are at the end of the day. Don't despair OP just keep them separate.

If you had all girls, three of them would be also dealing with pms ... Can you imagine what THAT would be like??

Could you leave older 2 at home?

I have 3 boys... grown up now but they used to fight

Do people not think these things through when they opt for a large family ie. One of the cons being outnumbered in public places.

To be truly honest I didn’t think it through, no. I just assumed that as they get older you can take your kids anywhere. And this does apply to many families, so it’s not hard to see why I thought this would apply to me too.

I have 4 girls - 13, 12, 5 and 2. You wouldn’t catch me anywhere near a Xmas market. I might take the older two but it’s not a good activity for younger kids… or anyone really!

however we do stuff together as a family fairly often - this weekend my husband is away so I’ve been out and about with all 4. When we’re out as a family the older 2 are expected to behave like adults so no fighting, holding their siblings hands crossing the road, carrying bags, looking after younger siblings while i’m getting coffees or taking the other one to the toilet etc - it’s easier going out with all 4 than just the younger 2. Maybe you need to reframe your family dynamic a bit - so that the older kids are behaving more like extra adults rather than kids.. not quite sure how you do this though - it just happened with ours… I guess it could be gender as I’ve no experience of parenting boys.

@ItsCagain seriously, don't be jealous. Christmas markets are germ-fests that are also full of tat. I dread every year when my dd starts nagging me to take her 🙈

That’s just a lot of kids to manage - can you try going with a couple at a time to see if that helps? I don’t think many people would find it easy and stress free to have an outing with that many boys!

I'm one of 4. Our age range as kids were f13, m11, f9(me), f4.
Me and my brother definitely fought. He broke his knuckles hitting me , I stuck a hairbrush in his foot.
My mam used to say if we were all in, there'd be fights, if one of us was out ie sleeping at our aunty's, it would be much more peaceful, regardless if who was missing!

Most kids wouldn't want to go to a Christmas market. Other than that, it's a case of reinforcing it that they need to behave in public.

Which starts when they are small. 😗

I have 2 sisters, we fought a lot. One set of cousins were 2 girls & 2 boys; fought so much it put my parents of any more dc.

Just to be clear i’m not assuming that this friends family is perfect or that her kids love the market but it was more of a statement based on that i always see her kids involved in outings and see photos and thought how lovely it would be if we could do that. As simple as that. Some of you read too much into it. and no u did not base my decision of having 4 wether the logistics of doing family outings might be problematic. I can live with it but glad to see lots of people got involved in the thread 😊

5 dds under 7. It's hard work! Thankfully all are well behaved and fairly easy to keep hold of. Are yours too old for reins? 😅

We had four boys in our blended family. They did fight a lot at home but rarely when we were out. Being out doing things gave them something else to think about and they were brought up to show decent manners in public so there is no way they would have got away with it if were out somewhere. They did let off steam regularly at each other at home, resulting in one of them ending up in A&E twice through their studpidity.

@Gettingcolder we are trying our hardest to ‘bring them up to show decent manners in public’…
what technique/parenting style was used with your step/ children to enforce this?

@ItsCagain Their DF could be very authoritarian and if any of them mis-behaved they would be taken back to the car or taken home. I was more conciliatory so between us we probably had fair balance. I think their Montessori education was also very helpful in instilling values from a young age.

I've got 3 kids DS 17, DS 15 and DD 9. We did manage to drag them round some Christmas markets but they really didn't get a lot out of it. The age gap between the boys and their sister means there aren't that many things we can all do together. Plus my eldest is autistic and whilst he will sometimes go along with plans, he would always rather be at home in his own quiet little world. Youngest is the opposite, extrovert and quite frankly a bit wild. As a previous poster said, different personalities mean it's challenging to find something they all want to do. I take any tales of 'perfect family outings' with a massive pinch of salt!

@Chubby81 thats totally different though as you have a huge huge gap in ages between older and younger . My older boys are fantastic with small children. The op’s kids are all much closer in age to each other and that can cause sparring and competitiveness as lots of people on here with multiple dcs have testified.
I’ve actually found this thread really helpful and reassuring tbh . I have 3 sons and I recently started a thread re finding things almost harder to do than when they were younger and I absolutely did not expect this . Mine are all v high energy and although they are such a team together they absolutely spar off each other and days out actually have gotten trickier in some ways.
We are 100 percent consistent, lay expectations out very clearly and always carry out any consequences of bad behaviour as well as praise etc etc , things still can go completely tits up . So the comments from parents saying “they wouldn’t tolerate bad behaviour, or one pp even said her husband wouldn’t allow it , like wtf same with loads of us 🤷‍♀️
I’ve actually learned from this thread to really change my expectations especially regards days out where it all worked fine when they were in buggies or entertained by looking at twinkly lights , of course it’s important to still do things we like but if you know it’s not going to work then avoid the stress .

We have 4 boys - aged 11, 9, 7 and nearly 5. We go to our local Christmas market every year, but it's really tiny so basically we buy them a hot chocolate, they guzzle it then go to roll around in the snow (mud) in the park across the way while DH and I drink our mulled wine and watch from a safe distance.

As a PP said, it's all about managing expectations and choosing outings that have a chance of working for your crew... Otherwise, go without them!

You can’t be ‘slightly on the spectrum’. It’s not a gradient that goes from a little to a lot.

You’re either on it or you’re not.

Take some of the children only?
I have 3 and since the youngest was born I have always found that any two are easier than all three, and any one alone is easier than any two. It's just a numbers game because if you have one you can do what they like best, whereas once you have two or more they all have different preferences.

But also think about the SM post.

I remember a friend's FB post. Along the lines of:
"Such a lovely day today with my girlies. We had a vote and decided on a lovely walk with the dogs and then some craft. The girls collected colourful leaves on the walk and everyone loved to see their rosy faces running round. So many lovely compliments on their behaviour.
We got home and they've made some fantastic pictures <photos of perfect artwork> and now we're chilling out watching our favourite movie. #mummyandgirls #makingmemories #lovemyfamily".

Unfortunately when I saw this I was on the phone to her. She was in tears and said something along the lines of:
"Where am I going wrong? Today's been terrible. We went for a walk with the dogs and the girls sulked all the way round. Dd1 pushed dd2 into a muddy puddle and dd2 then threw mud at dd1 and hit someone going past who then shouted at me.
We got back and I suggested craft. Dd2 knocked the paint water over on purpose onto dd1's painting and while I was getting a cloth, dd1 painted the dog, who ran upstairs and shook himself so there is paint all over our newly painted bedroom. Then dd2 found the superglue and stuck the tablecloth to the table and I can't get it off and I told them to go upstairs, and I didn't know they'd taken the black paint and done handprints all over their bedroom. I've just sat crying doing the painting myself.
I must be a terrible parent. Everyone else's dc do it nicely... I've seen it on FB..."

Four kids is going to be difficult whatever the sex and age gap.

I only had two, boy and girl, but had a nightmare period when my older was 11-13ish and they just bickered constantly. There is a four year age gap and they had completely different interests and personalities, on top of my being a single (widowed) parent so they were rivals for my attention.

It got better as they got older, and now they are adults and good friends with each other, and good company in general.

Ignore what anyone else posts on social media, it will always be cherry-picked to show the good stuff, and just get on with your own life. The 15 year old, and possibly 13 year old, are probably at the stage of finding family stuff cringey and boring and just wanting to be with their friends anyway.

but still wish we could have an at least one memorable family outing a year

Then why would you pick a Christmas market? They would probably kill each other, or me, at a Christmas market because it's their idea of a living hell! You need to pick your lovely outing carefully eg.

Last year we went ice skating then a boat up the Thames (Clipper = cheap), then a McD's. They had a really fantastic memorable time. We have had many nice trips to the cinema. Last week we went go-karting for Ds1s 18th! (They do grow up but no, it hasn't got much easier). Alton towers. Lots of hikes, they like a decent walk even if they moan beforehand.

But shopping? Not so much.

Lol. I never talk about my DC on social media. And this is why. It's all absolutely false, and if it is true, it is usually nauseating.

We have loads of fun days out with very little whining and no bickering (2 DSes, 9 and 12, both with ADHD). The whining is usually solved by some food 🤷‍♀️

My trick? Days out that are fun for them, not what I'd do necessarily. So things like GoApe, adventure playgrounds, theme parks (if not too busy so queues aren't too long), even the local park with climbing frames when they were younger.

We also rarely do a whole day out. We're up and out early and usually back for lunch. When they were younger the afternoon would just be a local park.

We adapt to them. We never go to the cinema as DS2 just cannot sit still that long. Ditto long meals in restaurants. We have nice meals out but in 1.5 hours, having got them to run about first. Can't have a leisurely sit in a cafe. But a quick stop for a drink and cake works.