to think that 4 boys should not be a deal breaker

[ItsCagain]

We have 4 boys 15 13 11 6. i can’t help but feel so jealous at people who go to Christmas markets with their kids. We can barely go out for dinner without them killing each other or be so difficult you just want to leave. This morning i saw some pic of a friend with their son and daughter last night and it makes me so sad that we can’t do that anymore with ours or at least not without complete despair

That's an interesting debate (albeit maybe for another thread). My friend, whose son is diagnosed with ASD, believes most of us have traits, some more than others and it's just when it causes difficulty in living life that it needs diagnosis.

My own son has very many traits, including anxiety and ARFID and social issues, but he's not diagnosed with ASD as he manages OK with school, some social situations etc. I would say he has many traits of autism but they are mild enough to cope without intervention. My friend and her husband, also have many traits (different ones!). When does the trait become 'being on the spectrum' - when there are more of them/ they are strong enough.

I would assume that if you opt to have four kids plus you really really love parenting and are prepared to miss out on much of life to facilitate them. No way we would be prepared to do this so stopped at 2 and is why most people only have one or two. Find your post quite baffling in a “ no shit Sherlock” way!

Without wishing to derail the thread, having traits and being ‘on the spectrum’ are different things. Yes, everyone has traits, some more than others, but until you reach the threshold for diagnosis you aren’t ‘on the spectrum’. Having traits doesn’t mean you have ‘mild autism’. It simply means you have some traits that overlap. That’s it.

I have traits of ADHD but I don’t meet the diagnostic threshold, thus I am not ‘on the ADHD spectrum’, nor do I have ‘mild’ ADHD. I do meet the diagnostic threshold for autism though, thus I am ‘on the spectrum’ which is more like the colour spectrum, not the gradient linear thing most seem to think it is.

I have 2 girls thry do not like each other at all. They physically fight, swear at each other and are so so cruel it's awful to see.

I'm autistic too. My husband says I'm "at the other end of the scale" as though it's a line and I'm at the "barely have it" end 😥😥

So you think girls would be better?! 😂😂😂😂

@blackfluffycat I'm sorry your DH doesn't try to understand a bit better. If you have a diagnosis you definitely don't "barely have it", he's minimising your real lived experience.

I dont understand what the complaint is. The person responsible for the discipline of your children is you?

My three boys would fight if left to it.
I used to take them on long walks/exercise them a lot.

If they DID fight Id take every toy away from them/block WIFI, then tell them they could have it back when they learned to cooperate as a team.
So they all learned how to resolve differences and get a plan without my input.

But I could NEVER have taken them to a Christmas market!! And board games could be pretty dicey too.

We have one DD aged 2 and went to the Christmas market yesterday. Spent £8 for her to go on a little train that she hated the whole time she was on it 😂 and she had a few tantrums, but we still had a nice day overall and I think that was because we only had to accommodate the needs of one child. I imagine most people with four children would struggle to have a nice time at a Christmas market.

My insta is a fairytale of happy kids - what you don’t see is the 95% of the time they are tying to kill each other. 😂 don’t worry Op - it’s normal. The gram is for pretty nice happy cute pics.

I have 4 boys 9, 11 and 13. The 13 years old is autistic and absolutely hates his brothers. I can’t get him to do anything with us. The other 2 are ok together but the my youngest has adhd so taking him anywhere is stressful as he gets easily over simulated and runs around, doesn’t listen avd often just lies down on the floor! I feel your pain, it’s stressful and depressing in equal measures. Maybe just go on your own with DH!

My cousin has four daughters. Absolute bitches the lot of them, and especially to their mother. Give me sons farting and arguing about marvel, wrestling and other banal shit every day of the week, and I'll enjoy christmas markets without them!

❤️

Visiting a crowded, cold, expensive Christmas market is not my idea of a memorable family day out - or at least not in a good way! Your boys would just want to eat the overpriced food then go home I’d imagine. What’s in it for them???
Ive taken my then teen child on holidays of a lifetime and she’s STILL moaned all the way through them! Teens are hard!

I have one DC. Life has taught me that even with one, it's very rare you get magical Christmas market moments. The only one that's come close was actually post-Christmas and I think we were in Lille. My life is not Instagrammable. We do not wear matching Christmas PJs whilst sipping Hot Chocolates by a tree in an immaculate house either. Last Christmas saw us eating Christmas dinner around the coffee table as I was too sick to leave the sofa. You've four boys. I'd be aiming that they are healthy and not killing each other tbh. If you do have five minutes when they all get along, enjoy them.

15 year old boys have little interest in Xmas markets. Leave the oldest 2 at home and take the 2 youngest, or go somewhere fun.

Delete instagram! I'm serious! Delete it and never look back!

I have 2 and 80% of the time they are fighting or messing around. The photos on SM are the 20%, don’t be fooled!

Mine are 28,20,12 and 10 so big age gaps

They older 2 still fought when younger because the oldest liked to wind him up. The 20 year old has always gotten on well with the younger 2

The 12 and 10 year olds fight constantly. They can't even look at each other without it turning into an argument. I very rarely take them to places together

I would go out with the younger 2 or a mix of them. We have a 19 and 16 year old and they can bicker, but are warned first to be nice to each other or don't talk to each other.

Also mum of 4, (boys 22,18 13 &12) i wouldn’t have taken mine to a Christmas market when younger it would’ve been chaos. Maybe the older 2 or the younger 2 but not all 4 it would’ve cost a bomb, not sure they’d all have wanted to go either. Youngest is now 12 and is asd/adhd so it would be too loud/busy etc for him
don’t do things because you see others taking pics on sm that’s not a true representation of real family life.

I found due to the ages of mine what the older two liked the younger didn’t or were to young for. so I’d do things with older 2 on their own or the younger whilst my older 2 were at school etc.

Why are they at war with each other, discipline and respect for others needed I think.

Just hold on until they are older, being out with all those young men looking after has no better feeling. I feel your pain but now mine are older it’s a joy. It will come.

I have two teenage boys who wouldn’t dream of fighting in public but accept sometimes that is luck of the draw. Four boys as youngsters admittedly must have been a handful but surely they are old enough to be civilised now? Some of them are reaching an age where their behaviour is starting to reflect on them, not just you.