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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 4 boys should not be a deal breaker

205 replies

ItsCagain · 25/11/2023 09:30

We have 4 boys 15 13 11 6. i can’t help but feel so jealous at people who go to Christmas markets with their kids. We can barely go out for dinner without them killing each other or be so difficult you just want to leave. This morning i saw some pic of a friend with their son and daughter last night and it makes me so sad that we can’t do that anymore with ours or at least not without complete despair

OP posts:
Squirrelsnut · 25/11/2023 13:29

My 2 brothers fought like wild animals but get along well as adults and are both caring, thoughtful and successful chaps.
Don't despair.

LizzieW1969 · 25/11/2023 13:30

Our 2 DDs are 14 and 11 and we do all we can to avoid taking them shopping together as they bicker constantly! But we’ve certainly taken some photos that would make it appear as if we were having an amazing time when out and about. (And sometimes it really was going well.)

So photos on Facebook really don’t tell the whole story.

Hankunamatata · 25/11/2023 13:31

Iv 3 boys - 15, 12, 10. Tbh we tend to do family stuff with younger two as they enjoy it but eldest hates it and would rather stay home. So then I do individual time with eldest like gaming with him, movie nights, activities he e joys

Hankunamatata · 25/11/2023 13:32

Iv 3 boys - 15, 12, 10. Tbh we tend to do family stuff with younger two as they enjoy it but eldest hates it and would rather stay home. So then I do individual time with eldest like gaming with him, movie nights, activities he e joys

user1483387154 · 25/11/2023 13:34

this is a you problem, Do better, be better, If they have no additional needs its your parenting skills that need adjusting

IsthisreallyacceptableMN · 25/11/2023 13:37

I think you’re not necessarily seeing what other families are really like.
Heres an example I have experienced.

We have three boys. Our friend ( abbreviate OF ) have one girl two boys.

We went to visit them
We were annoyed our boys were not engaging enough
We had a right moan at them in the car after a beach trip with OF.

Later in the evening talking to OF it turns out the lovely kids we were using to our kids as an example of exemplary behaviour are not so lovely. Whilst we were shouting at our kids in our car OF were doing the same to theirs. Using our kids as examples of exemplary behaviour.

Really quite funny tbh.
So you see, you do not see it all.

adomizo · 25/11/2023 13:44

I've 3 boys and they are great to take out but they would find a xmas market a challenge.they are not really interested in looking at stalls and the food is so pricey we wont buy them everything they want. .... Maybe sit them down and say you want to go out as a family.. ask them to choose between a few venues. Set a budget for the day and offer something for everyone. Mainly though set out clear expectations and time frames and if they don't go along with this have some consequences (take away gaming etc) you are not unreasonable in expecting a few hours out without fighting so set your stall out and have a plan and stick to it.

timefracuppa · 25/11/2023 13:46

I used to read dc the riot act beforehand setting out exactly what was expected and not expected in terms of behaviour, noise and that they had to do what they were told, so if told to pipe down they had to pipe down. They could do it if they wanted to do it, so if they wanted to go somewhere they'd behave. So dc are ok now mostly because of long term training! They appear dove-like in some circumstances but are barbarian at home. Which is ok, as it means we get to go out.

The other thing is to split them up, take the older 2 on one day and the younger 2 on another. Someone else has probably said that!

goodgriefsean · 25/11/2023 13:47

Siblings fight regardless of their sex and Christmas markets are overpriced shite.
A photo op is literally the only good thing you'll get there and the vast majority of those photos involve cajoling the kids to pose in-between the whining and bickering.
Don't let social media make you feel inadequate it's not real.

timefracuppa · 25/11/2023 13:50

goodgriefsean · 25/11/2023 13:47

Siblings fight regardless of their sex and Christmas markets are overpriced shite.
A photo op is literally the only good thing you'll get there and the vast majority of those photos involve cajoling the kids to pose in-between the whining and bickering.
Don't let social media make you feel inadequate it's not real.

Agree most of it is overpriced shite but dc still like to walk around, see the people and lights and stuff.

ChristmasShopping23 · 25/11/2023 13:55

I’ve got two teenage daughters and I haven’t been able to take them anywhere since they were about eight without a major incident. I’m not joking. (they do have diagnosed difficulties.)

I took one dd to a Christmas market last year and we walked up and down and tbh there was nothing to interest her or any other children as it was all alcohol based with a few craft stalls. So you’re not missing much unless it’s just you and your husband and you can enjoy the mulled wine in peace.

ChristmasShopping23 · 25/11/2023 13:57

I took one dd to Asda this morning and the whole experience was so unpleasant I thought to myself, I’m not doing this again.

Hippodogamus · 25/11/2023 14:01

You did choose to have 4 kids so you probably need to reframe things a bit. Yes, going out together to a Christmas market might be a bit too stressful but there are other things you can do together.

I have 3 and tbh a Christmas Market would not be something I’d ever consider - plus those places are generally a total rip-off.

Maybe something more physical, like ice skating?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/11/2023 14:10

The issue is how many kids/ followed by the fact some are teens- this isn’t a sex issue. 4 girls would be hard to venture out with. Do people not think these things through when they opt for a large family ie. One of the cons being outnumbered in public places.

Allthingsdecember · 25/11/2023 14:12

Lots of siblings bicker 🤷‍♀️. Me and my sister are best friends as adults but we fought all the time as children and teens.

I think it’s a combination of living in close quarters and knowing they are a safe person to let your social mask slip with…

They have quite an age gap so your options might be a bit limited, but I’d try and find something that they will be excited about to do as a family.

Depending on the mix of personalities, a trip to a theme park, theatre, cinema, go karting, laser quest…. Whatever you think they’ll all enjoy. A Christmas market might not be their cup of tea, but you should be able to find something that they enjoy enough to create some lovely memories.

YouJustDoYou · 25/11/2023 14:19

Yeah, I'm glad I've not got 4 boys. One is more than enough.

safetyfreak · 25/11/2023 14:23

Surely this is normal family life with 4 children?

I am one of 4 and there were many arguments growing up. We would pair up and gang up on another sibling, its normal! Maybe if you had less children, it would be more bearable but its the life you chose.

Toolongtohols · 25/11/2023 14:24

I’ve only got 2 at home 15 and 13 . Sometimes it works and sometimes they hate each other . I wouldn’t expect to take them shopping and get away with it though ! Unless they were being blackmailed with food . If you looked at the photo album I make every year you’d think we have a lovely time . Reality it’s punctuated by angst and so is every other family life .

MikeRafone · 25/11/2023 14:25

Am I missing the point, but why would 4 boys aged between 16-6 want to go for a day out at a Christmas market?

Is it the event or if you take them to something they'd really enjoy, do they still tear strips of each other?

waterrat · 25/11/2023 14:32

I have a boy and girl and they bicker about 70 per cent of the time. Christmas markets are just consumerist sensory hell

I spend lots of time with children and families and most siblings argue. All the brothers i know fight a lot and are super competitive to each other

Scarletttulips · 25/11/2023 14:33

Maybe sit them down and say you want to go out as a family.. ask them to choose between a few venues. Set a budget for the day and offer something for everyone.

Maybe OP who works tirelessly all year would appreciate her children behaving so she could have one afternoon doing something she liked?

She’s not asking much of them! It’s a basic consideration for their mother to enjoy a few hours.

Even 4 year olds understand this.

RudsyFarmer · 25/11/2023 14:35

You are not being unreasonable.

I refuse to pay out for expensive days out to watch my kids try and kill each other in public. I also refuse to go abroad on holidays to experience non UK mega tantrums from the youngest. I can happily experience that more locally.

So their poor behaviour has certainly curtailed any civilised days out unless they are separated. I accepted this a long, long time ago.

PrinceHaz · 25/11/2023 14:46

Can you take them out in pairs instead of the four of them e.g. son 1 and 3 and son 2 and 4? You could take the pair to the Christmas Markets and leave the others home with family, then do the other pair another night.

LizzBurg · 25/11/2023 14:54

MrsCarson · 25/11/2023 11:31

Boys are great, my two oldest are boys, then we had a girl. I can honestly say, having a girl is overrated. I'm have been better off with three boys, in my comfort zone.
Girls even when well behaved and happy are harder work than boys, doesn't help that I'm not the most girly myself, so I'm lost with all the frilly bits and makeup.

I have two brothers and if I ever discovered that my mother described having me, the only girl as being overrated and that she would have been better off with three boys it would break my heart. I have no idea what your expectations were of having a daughter would be but I’m sure there’s so much more to your daughter than frilly bits and make up.

RudsyFarmer · 25/11/2023 15:34

LizzBurg · 25/11/2023 14:54

I have two brothers and if I ever discovered that my mother described having me, the only girl as being overrated and that she would have been better off with three boys it would break my heart. I have no idea what your expectations were of having a daughter would be but I’m sure there’s so much more to your daughter than frilly bits and make up.

Show quote history

How many karma points for mum-shaming I wonder? I’m sure you were perfect in every way as a daughter, but just on the off chance your mother described you as a despicable arsehole anonymously one day you are in the privileged position of being blissfully unaware and entirely untraumatised. So only virtue signalling available for you today.