To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

That is absolutely ridiculous!
such spoilt teens

@burnoutbabe

op isn’t trapped ffs, if she wants to end the relationship she absolutely can and her son will have to forego his apple stuff!

I think it's lovely that he is treating your son like his own. It's money from a bonus, not money he will have to pay back. Just say Thank you.

I think it’s over the top. Even if he just gave him the apple AirPods that would be a decent present.

Could you organise Christmas so that you turn up with your son after all the presents have been given.

I also agree with the point that pps have made about feeling beholden to someone who is very giving. I went out with someone for a year and he kept trying to do things for me which I didn’t want and when I dumped him he said he felt used 😐.

@Spirallingdownwards

noone knows a ten month relationship is for life. No. Just no.

This would also make me uncomfortable, with respect you've not been together particularly long. To me it feels like he is buying his way in to something or I think I'd even worry that he was not ok in himself as it seems hugely impulsive and is an extreme amount of money and not a normal gesture. If he gifted one of his own children 20k for christmas in itself that would surely be a huge gesture but to spend it on random Apple tech and insurance for someone he barely knows, I just think doesn't sit right at all. Is he actually very wealthy to the extent that 20k dropped on something as incidentally as this really means nothing? If not it's even more off.

I'd ask him to return it and tell him that we just don't spend money like that in our household and it's not a message I particularly want to send. Equally I would explain that at 18 your son is an adult anyway and doesn't need to be gifted at christmas in such an extreme way when the relationship is so new.

I know there are loads of semi-joking comments on here about marrying him asap and keeping the gifts and dumping him but I think YANBU and it's very very off.

There is a lot of jealousy in this thread wrapped up as concern. He’s well off enough to do it. I’d wait for a bonus near Xmas too - even though we could do it and dropped 20k on a summer holiday. Keep your boundaries, don’t give up what you’re doing and see what happens. I think it’s wonderful that he has treated the children equally. Many women on here are saying they would refuse - I call bull. It’s possible to meet a nice person with a bit of money and be happy. Not everyone has to be miserable and skint.

It's very OTT but that's what he wants to do for his children and it's nice that he wants to do it for yours too. Although it is unnecessary he will feel included. The two pairs of Airpods are weird though - they both go in the ear and look the same, but the pros have a couple of additions.

I think that ultimately you feel uncomfortable about it and once you speak to him about this, his reaction will tell you what you need to know (hint: he should take you very seriously and not act hurt or fob you off)

How old was he when he lost his wife?

How do you feel about him?

Do you enjoy the intimate part of your relationship with him?

After the loss of his wife he has obviously prioritised giving money in his lifetime rather than hoarding it. Maybe, he sees his bonus as a windfall like winning the lottery and has always spent it this way.

It’s not necessarily a red flag. If he hadn’t have told you before hand I would be inclined to consider it a red flag but he has been honest with you before the big present reveal.

Maybe, he felt he would never meet anyone or feel comfortable with someone ever again in a romantic way.

If I were you the only reason I would feel uncomfortable is if I knew I had no intention of taking the relationship any further. However, if you are invested in the relationship with this man allow him to give the gifts he wants to as we all know a gift is a gift regardless of its price it’s the thought that counts. £20,000.00 to this man maybe the same as £500.00 to another depending on their circumstances just because one can afford more expensive gifts doesn’t mean the same sentiment is not there.

Wow. That's. Huge amount to spend b it as others said can he afford it

£20k to him might be like £200 to us

He's obv a kind man to include your son in all that he's brought so his doesn't feel left out when opening

So tell him how it makes you feel but I think think was a nice thing

I can’t believe some people on here are suggesting that op stay in this relationship so that her son can keep this laptop and a good quality laptop is important for her sons studies!!

My 19 and 21 y olds would not want a pile of expensive gifts like this. I know for a fact they would find it ‘too much’ in every way.

But why on earth would the OPs son - an adult - expect equal treatment from his mum's boyfriend? He's not 6.

His daughters will probably not be happy with this.

Why can't he see that?

Treating them identically is just weird.

@Princessandthepea0

You are very, very wrong if you think that everyone who is concerned about the OP's son is "jealous" or advocating that anyone be "miserable and skint".

I could easily afford to buy my student DC the things that the OP's boyfriend has bought. However, I haven't, and I wouldn't. But that's a different matter.

The crucial thing here is that this is a new relationship, and all three children have had a parent who has died. This requires even more sensitive handling than a case of two families blending where nobody has died.

It's too soon in any case to be thinking of blending families at all, where there has been a double bereavement. The fact that the boyfriend is spending this amount of money on the OP's child is an added complication.

The OP says herself that it makes her feel uncomfortable, but isn't sure why. I think she knows best, and if she feels uncomfortable she shouldn't ignore this feeling.

I'd be worried that it would be an expectation that you would have to go all out at Xmas too. I think you need to talk to him about it. Its a huge amount to spend

I can see why you would feel uncomfortable, but in the nicest possible way, what he gives your son isn't really anything to do with you. He's bought him a gift and it's up to your son whether he accepts it, not you.
I think it's a lovely thing for him to do, but if it were me I would worry about trying to match up, as daft as that would be

This never even happened

If he can afford it easily, I don’t see the problem

tech is extremely useful to a uni student

All those saying it’s to nice he is treating op’s son equally to his own, blah, blah. Why exactly! OP’s son is an adult he doesn’t need to be treated by his mum’s boyfriend equal to his own kids.
it’s pretty insulting to his own offspring as well that some lad he barely knows is seen as worthy of exactly the same gifts that they are.

Please tell me where you are getting your cheap Apple tech from!

TBH, I don't really see the issue. It's nice that he wants to treat all the kids the same, and it's also a sign that he's committed to this new relationship and wants it to go well.

I would however express that you're a bit in shock at such a generous gift - it being much more than you would ever normally spend, or even HAVE to spend.

I think the most important thing is whether the OP feels able to talk to her new partner about this. It's a lovely and generous thing for him to do but she's also not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about it - both those things can be true.

The important thing is whether she feels able to talk through these things with him. To talk about her concerns and to listen to his reasons. If this relationship has legs they both need to be able to communicate about the difficult and awkward stuff, and she shouldn't need to suppress what she wants to say.

If this is the way he does things then you can’t put a stop to it.
Wouldn’t it feel worse if he hadn’t included your child ?
Its his money he can do as he chooses with it .