To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

Is he an intelligent man? I am shocked anyone would spend nearly two and a half grand on AppleCare. They saw him coming.

You need to break down what it is you don't like.

Do you think he's rushing you forward into a one happy family place and you're not ready?

Do you feel it's showing you up because you can't / won't spend that?

Do you think he's trying to show off and be the big i-am and buy your son's affection?

Are you uncertain over the relationship and feel this will make DS like him so more disappointed if you dump him in Jan?

Does it all feel very overwhelming?

I'd tell him so if the latter, and ask him why he's brought them all the same because you would never have expected it and you can't afford to match it.

If he's the guy you think he is, it will be about including him so he knows he's valued

Is this a stealth boast?

I would be ecstatic if my DP was kind enough to do this for my son. It’s not your place to tell him not to give it.

Unless you have reason to believe your son would be uncomfortable (mine would be delighted) you smile and graciously accept his generosity to your family.

I'd thing it was weird but I'd wait until after Xmas to dump him😉
No honestly it's just so over the top.

Even just getting your son the new laptop would be more than enough. They are not 3 year olds thinking Santa had been.

And whilst I have an iPhone I am a pc laptop user and wouldn't want a MacBook. I'd also like to pick my own tech.

So I'd run a mile at the idea of being bought like this (but maybe on 1st January when we have the items - you see everyone would think that evil but that's the issue, you can't dump him after that as you'd have to return your son's gifts. You're trapped!)

That’s very generous of him but would make me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think children should get gifts of that magnitude. I would also feel like it’s a judgement on me - that what I did wasn’t enough. At the very least he should have spoken to you about it beforehand. It’s nice he wanted to do the same for all the kids, but you’ve only been together since Feb, not an established family set up. Your son wouldn’t have expected the same gifts as his children.

Speaking again from experience, the DS might be thrilled - and might not be. He might think this stranger (because the man is essentially a stranger to him) is trying to buy him and his mum. He might think this man thinks that by buying him expensive presents, he is trying to replace his dad (not rational - but bereaved teenagers aren't rational). He might feel embarrassed. He might feel unhappy because he's expected to be thrilled but isn't. He might feel awkward v-a-v the man's own children and afraid that they will resent him for or think that he and his mum are gold-diggers (again, we know they're not - but teen logic isn't our logic even without a bereavement).

It would just have been better if the boyfriend hadn't done this unilaterally.

I’m sure your son will be thrilled, I’d just accept the fact that he’s being generous, thoughtful, and inclusive.
He’s obviously thought about it before purchasing and can afford it, it could end your relationship if you now say send it all back, it would appear as very ungrateful.

I lost my dad when I was an older teen. And if my mum’s boyfriend of a year spent all this on me I would have felt completely weirded out. Like he was trying to buy my favour. And no I wouldn’t have felt upset at his children getting these gifts. They’re his children.

Honestly this thread is depressing. So many posters seem to think the most important thing about a man is how much he spends on you.

He’s a keeper! How lovely to include your son and treat him exactly the same. He’s showing you who he is. I think you say thank you, you’d never be able to afford anything like that and you appreciate him doing it.

I’d focus on getting him something really thoughtful; maybe a memory making thing; weekend away/concert tickets?

What does he say when you tell him that you are uncomfortable about it?

OTT imo. I’d feel beholden and that is the part that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Not because they can't afford it but because it becomes obscene and they want their kids to appreciate what things cost

A colleague I worked with years ago linked big spends for her DC to her bonus to encourage her DC to delay gratification and appreciate spending was a result of working hard

she could buy them anything at anytime, but didn’t. At bonus time her DC could choose any one thing as a gift.

I thought that was a nice way of doing things and adopted it. I think many wealthy people adopt some sort of similar practice around purchasing for DC, so it’s not just done for sake of it

OP, if you're uncomfortable. Ask him to return them. He could rationalise the purchases into a smaller suite. He could ask your son and other students to purchase items using education pricing if he didn't use it to buy them.

Available to current and newly accepted university students, parents buying for them, and teachers and staff at all levels. footnote

https://www.apple.com/uk/shop/education-pricing

This. He's gone all out to impress you by treating your son as he treats his own. A smart man knows the way to a woman's heart is through her DC. Treat them really well and you fall in love with him.

I wouldn’t dictate how this man arranged his Christmas gifts for his own children. Yea they could get 10% off the Mac book but his children are then buying their own gifts (with his money) before Christmas. It becomes a transaction rather than a lovely surprise on Christmas morning. Why ruin Christmas for him and his twins?

if a man started telling his new girlfriend to return her children’s Christmas presents we would all consider that controlling behaviour.

The presents are for your son it is up to him to decide if he is comfortable receiving them.

This man is a generous soul who has decided to spend his bonus on gifts.

I would accept gracefully and allow your adult son to make his own decisions.

Prepare yourself for an expensive gift too as he has probably bought you something he feels you would like.

You cannot compete financially however, it sounds like this man likes and respects you and your son so I doubt it will be a problem.

Enjoy Christmas with your boyfriend and his children because it sounds like he wants to enjoy the rest of his life and certainly this first Christmas together with you and your son.

It’s brought a little tear to my eye thinking of you all enjoying your first Christmas together after losing your spouses.

Man sounds insane but definitely a keeper

Last Christmas
I gave you a Mac
But the very next day
Your mum gave it back

He was robbed. Couldn’t he have gotten a better deal?

Honestly, I read some of these replies and it becomes really clear how so many women find themselves in coercive/abusive situations. This is in no way victim blaming - I myself was in such a situation for almost a decade - but the stars in the eyes of several of these responses shows that many women so desperately want to think well of men and their motives that they cannot see a red flag even when it’s right in front of their noses. This is not sensible generosity as described by the OP - having to wait for the bonus, the fact they’ve not been together that long - there is a sting in this tail, I guarantee it, even though it may take a few years to become apparent. I suspect a few months myself though.

Marry him 😂💍

what job does he have?? I want it!!

I know gifts are not everything really and that’s a very expensive set of gifts however, if you tell him to return the gifts for your son, he’ll just be the only one on Christmas Day not getting these so he may feel left out. Look at it this way, if he returns your son’s gifts, he won’t be giving him the cash anyway so you’re just making him lose out.
My dad also died when I was 12 and there were lots of things my mum couldn’t afford as there were 4 of us. If someone wanted to gift me something I would have wanted but my mum vetoed it, that would have upset me. Getting the gift won’t make me forget my late father, I’ll even think he’s the one looking out for us. So long as he can afford it and you’re not expected to match it then all good. Obviously if you don’t like him and see no future with him, don’t let the gifts be a reason to stay.

I wouldn’t like this.
It would make me feel really uncomfortable but I don’t know why.

But I’d also feel guilty that my son won’t get to receive these gifts and DP may feel hurt.

So I would tell DP that he doesn’t need to spend that amount on DS but if he wants to then I’d let him.

I would just be on your guard about him.
It could be that he’s just crap with money but it is something that would ring alarm bells for me.

he has really tried to incorporate your DS, I think shows he’s really trying. He can afford it I imagine so why don’t you do the stocking bits for all the children, sweets, Pants, Costa gift card, smellys
that way they have the best of both of you
I would be happy I have found a man that treats my son as his own.