To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

He sounds great and that’s nice for you. I imagine this amount of money spent on gifts is a one off. Also mega gifting after 18 isn’t a common occurrence

What a lovely guy that he has included your son in his generosity. But I’d agree with this. He may want to set his kids up at uni but you don’t really need MacBook and an iPad and the problem with expensive tech is that it just gets nicked. They’ll need to pay to insure it which will be an additional cost for them.

Wow he sounds very generous to include your son in his Christmas purchases.
I think I'd let him know that you think it was a bit excessive and made you feel a bit uncomfortable, but that it's his decision to spend how he wants on who he wants. Then leave it and enjoy Christmas, I bet the kids will be thrilled to bits. It's nice to be able to do this as they will be off to Uni and it's stuff they will use.

I'm also amazed that so few people think this would be difficult for the OP's son too....

But he wouldn’t have to sit and watch the others get everything would he? Presumably the OP, his mother, has also bought him presents plus other family members.

What have you bought his twins OP?

He is buying for three of them, so £6000 each?

It's lovely that he has included your children with his. I'm sure he realises you can't spend anything like that.

Eugh, I don't like that at all.
Its an obscene amount of stuff.
1 thing would be fine but I'd still think that's a lot...for any of them.

@Itsbritneybitch22 the problem is OP feels uncomfortable. 20k to spend all at once is huge AND this man hardly knows OP he could be in debt upto the eye balls for all she knows. It's an extreme gift I mean gifts! £6000! Bloody hell. I want to know his job field!

The guy could easily have got a massive bonus and probably has done for the last few years so could easily be pretty loaded. Some people blow £20k on a week's holiday.

He wants to treat his children and instead of leaving out the op's son has included him.

As long as he isn't a prick and uses it against the op then I think it is a lovely gesture. It is all relative!

Me, too.

So what?

It's not the issue! A gift in excess of £6k is massively more than what almost anyone would spend on a gift for their own child, let alone someone with no direct connection.

I think if you raise any questions about it you should keep it really light and grateful ( are you really sure you feel ok about this? NOT this makes me uncomfortable) . He has done a really heartwarming thing and it would be a shame to dampen the day. Let him “ get his money”s worth “ by feeling his gesture has been fully appreciated and made people happy because it seems clear that’s what he is trying to do at significant cost to himself. He sounds wonderful btw.

My God.

So she needs to police her words so that she doesn't affect his enjoyment & happiness?

She is uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with saying that.

I can't see why people think he's wonderful. If he'd bought a gift for £100 or £150, I'd think he was generous. More than that is asking questions about his thought process, state of mind etc.

Take back what you bought your son & bulk out all 3 kids gifts with chocolates/sweets/memento's
& let your kids all enjoy Christmas

It’s not a waste of money though is it? I have most of the things on the list and i would imagine all the kids will get lots of use out of each item. They are just being bought all at once which feels really extravagant. Kids these days have iPads and phones and laptops. An Apple Watch is a bit of a luxury but I have one and it’s certainly not a waste of money!

If I was the OP's son I wouldn't accept any of it

Wow, is he so loaded that this kind of expenditure isn't a bid deal, and he sees it as normal? If he is, lucky you! I'd just enjoy his generosity tbh....

I’m not sure trying to be diplomatic is “policing your words.” Ultimately OP needs to decide if she is or isn’t comfortable. If she isn’t, she should nip the whole thing in the bud now. I guess my point was if she is going to go along with it, don’t do it in a “worst of both world’s” fashion : taking it, letting him spend the money ( which he may feel he is able to afford; we all have different priorities with money), but also saying all he has achieved is to make OP uncomfortable. I think that is undiplomatic and unfair.

Not sure what I can add to the almost-300 posts but anyway...

I think it's totally inappropriate on so many levels. It's something he should have discussed with you in the first place.

1 -It's not teaching your kids the value of money being showered with such expensive gifts.

2- 7 months in, this is still a new relationship and it feels 'off' to spend that much on a girlfriend's kids.

3- It comes over as trying to either impress, use bribery or 'buy' their affection (and yours.)

As a teenager, that behaviour would make me feel very uncomfortable. I'd feel beholden to the person. I'd also wonder what their intentions were.

Having the ability to spend that amount of money doesnt means someone has to.

Would you call someone you've been seeing for 7-8 months your 'partner'?

A partner to me is equal to a spouse. Someone you live with, share expenses with, plan to be with long term, have joint assets - or plan to - (and already have been with for some time.)

He's treating your DS the same as his DC as you are spending Christmas together which is very generous of him
After his sad loss, and yours of course I can imagine he might think " it's only stuff" and he wants to treat everyone
However it is early in your relationship but people do bond on a deeper level when they have both been through traumatic losses
I certainly wouldn't ask him to return your sons gifts

Ultimately OP needs to decide if she is or isn’t comfortable.

But she is uncomfortable - hence the thread title.

About diplomacy, I disagree in this instance.

This is a hugely problematic way of behaving in my view. He has overstepped in terms of his relationship with OP, and his (non)relationship with her son.

So it's perfectly fine to be clear about her feelings & concerns. Diplomacy doesn't come in to it.

And she does this before Christmas so the gifts don't make it to her DS!