To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

Is it because that's what he was getting his kids anyway and so has included your son for good reasons?

I would speak to him as I wouldn't be comfortable either, but, I wouldn't automatically jump to it being anything other than kind.

He's a burglar taking stuff back will be tricky!

Ooo he sounds lovely I need one like this.

Yuk.

I’d be so uncomfortable with this.

It’s not ‘treating the kids equally’. For a start, they aren’t kids. They’re young adults. Second, they AREN’T equal - two are his biological children and one is the child of a women he’s been seeing for 8 months, and who he’s met 3 times in his life.

I imagine the boyfriend’s kids will be surprised and more than a bit put out to find out that their father has spent over £6k on gifts for a young adult he’s met 3 times, because he regards that young adult as equal to them.

run

Yes I can see you've clearly missed it. Hes not made her feel uncomfortable or crossed any boundaries, unless of course she stipulated certain budgets for mutual gifts.

Only if you are comparing presents. My favourite gifts every year are from my brother who usually spends about £5, they are amazing and usually make me cry. One year a friend of the family bought my daughter a new switch (when they first came out) she was so thrilled I thought she was going to pass out, I was delighted for her and i still cant believe it. It would take a special kind of scrooge to view that as being upstaged and shown up. Or to accuse the friend of being insensitive and thoughtless like some have suggested.

@Concannon88 You've clearly missed the subject line of the post.

'He's made me feel uncomfortable...''

Could it be any clearer?

Yes I can see you've clearly missed it. Hes not made her feel uncomfortable or crossed any boundaries, unless of course she stipulated certain budgets for mutual gifts.

I can see you have clearly missed it

Her thread title says she feels uncomfortable 🙄

It's not remotely normal to spend excess of £6k on an assorted collection of tech that might not be needed or wanted on a new partner's son.

I'm sorry you're unable to see that, and that you conflate a happy relationship with momentary output.

*monetary output

@Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas

what just because of this?

what about how he and op get on? Do they have the same sense of humour? Do they spark each other intellectually? What is their sexual compatibility like?

or should she just be happy and commit cos he’s spent a load of cash on some apple gear for her son?!

you seem to have a low bar for what you consider to be a ‘keeper’

I'd be uncomfortable with that level of spending for one Christmas present. I imagine the kids already have versions of several of those things and personally I don't see the point of new things just for the sake of having the latest version. That's regardless of what someone earns - I think it's a waste.

I'd also worry that he is someone who throws money at people rather than putting in the time with them. Or likes to impress with extreme generosity.

And it raises the expectations of the children to ridiculous levels. Will they all get into careers that can sustain that level of spending?

However, I do think it's a positive that he is treating your son in the same way as his own children.

What will he get you? A sports car? A holiday apartment?

Wonder if he will adopt me….? 🤔

Crikey, if that's a problem, send him my way please!

Op. Nowadays MN has become a bit of en echo chamber. If you aren’t eternally miserable, skint, claim UC whilst hit with a serving of misfortune - you can’t even post. Women aren’t allowed to do well, earn good money or anything else because we should think of the UC claimants.

In the real world, not everyone is skint and miserable. He may have revalauted life. Like another poster, my husband is an extremely generous gifted but expects nothing in return. It is possible this isn’t a lot of money for him. It wouldn’t be for us and we’d wait until bonuses too.

What you have to decide is if you’re happy for your son to accept these gifts in good grace or not. You have both arranged to have a family Christmas. He has bought all of the children the same so no-one feels left out. If he’d have not bothered this would have been a red flag too. Everything is a red flag on MN. Everyone has to be skint, claiming or have a horrible partner. Think about what you actually want long term.

You have both arranged to have a family Christmas. He has bought all of the children the same so no-one feels left out. If he’d have not bothered this would have been a red flag too.

But a) the ‘children’ are all young adults and b) the partner has met the son 3 times? It’s not a blended family situation. It would be less weird if this man was OP’s son’s stepfather and had a close relationship with him.

C) Op and dp have only been dating since February, not even a year.