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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

318 replies

JonnaMam · 25/11/2023 03:30

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

OP posts:
handyandie · 25/11/2023 05:39

I thought this was you complaining that he'd spent this much on his twins and you didn't want your son watching them open thousands of pounds worth of presents while he gets some socks. The fact he has also gone and bought the same amount for your son is very kind of him. I'd imagine this is a once off to mark all the children going off to uni and setting them up with the technology that will help with their studies, in the context that all children have lost a parent. It doesn't sound like he will be doing it every year.

Kittylala · 25/11/2023 05:40

You only live once, enjoy the ride and let your son enjoy the freebies x

theunbelievabletruth · 25/11/2023 05:41

He is very kind and inclusive. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. He has used a bonus for this . literally extra money. and all very useful high quality long lasting stuff at that.

Say thank you and do what you can comfortably afford to make his feel equally valued at your first Christmas.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/11/2023 05:42

He sounds lovely. He’s gone a bit overboard. But he is setting the kids up for university. They don’t really need an iPad and MacBook either. No, I wouldn’t ask him to return the gifts. Your ds will be so happy to get the gifts. Let him have pleasure in his life. Speaking from personal experience of losing my dad in childhood, it’s hard when you lose a parent so young.

LostPurpleKipper · 25/11/2023 05:47

I get why you would feel uncomfortable. It could be that he is very, very generous, kind and fair minded (to include your son too). In which case how wonderful.

However, rather than decline, could you express your thanks for his kindness, but gently explain how it makes you feel?

If my partner of 9 months spent that amount on gifts, I think I would be wondering if they can afford it and why so much.

user1492757084 · 25/11/2023 05:48

I see why you are uncomfortable.

You can only respond with a big thank you and state that it is always fine for him to spend more on his own children.

He is a generous person, but practical.
You could respond with buying cheaper but equally practical gifts for all three like .. doona, towells, sandwich maker, woollen socks, phone credit ...

I hope the kids all have a marvellous first year away.

drhf · 25/11/2023 05:48

Sometimes after a lot of sadness, it becomes unsettling when good things happen. What if they stop? What if they get taken away? It can feel safer to try to protect ourselves from pain by trying to keep our lives as simple as possible.

Talk to your son about how he sees your partner and about how he feels about your partner doing father-type things for him. Most likely, he will tell you he’s glad you’re happy and he likes this man well enough, but he understands the relationship is quite new still.

Then have a lovely Christmas, and let your son enjoy his new kit. Whatever happens it will be ok.

Yoyoban · 25/11/2023 05:51

You've had crazy responses so far op.

You've been seeing this man less than a year, I would be deeply uncomfortable with that.

Is he trying to buy you through your son or play Dad to someone he's only met a handful of times?

Tbh I'd be uncomfortable with him buying all that for his own children let alone yours.

Would your son even want any/all of that tech? What a waste of money if it's not even the right tech for all of the kids (what a waste of money anyway!) Are apple products appropriate for the courses they're studying?

It would be one thing if he could genuinely spend this kind of money without blinking, but the fact he has to wait for his bonus rather than buy his children appropriate tech before starting uni tells me this is a big chunk of change for him too.

I would not want to put my child in the uncomfortable position of receiving all that on Christmas and potentially feeling indebted to a man he barely knows.

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 25/11/2023 05:53

I'm surprised at everyone saying how lovely this is as I was expecting a load of people saying "red flags".
Personally, I'd be really uncomfortable with this.
That's £6.5k that he has spent on your son. Lots of people have said that it's "setting them up for Uni presents" but all of the DC have been at Uni for a term so must have had enough tech to manage until then.
I'm also slightly suspicious of someone whose bonus means they have this much cash to burn in November but couldn't have bought it in September. How well does he manage cash?
I'm also not sure about the whole idea of all spending Christmas week together. I imagine Christmas must be an emotional time for you all and this is your first Christmas of knowing each other. How do the gifts play into this? Will you put up with behaviour you wouldn't usually do knowing the cost of the presents? What about your son? How will his DC feel seeing that he's got your son the same as they've got.
What on earth has he got you for Christmas?

MrsWimpy · 25/11/2023 05:54

Thing is, you've agreed to spend Christmas together which is a nice thing to do.

Would you feel comfortable with his kids getting that pile of tech while your son unwraps his pants and a selection box?

Whilst I'm sure your son would be fine with it, it's a nice thing to include him. Money means different things to people. If this is the sort of money he spends on Christmas then let him!

DoAWheelie · 25/11/2023 05:54

If he does return the stuff for your son, how would he feel watching them open all of that while getting barely anything in comparison? I think it's very nice that your partner is treating them all equally and it's all stuff that will be very helpful for them to have for their education.

Bad tech made my uni days way more difficult than they needed to be as I was forever dealing with computers crashing and losing the last hour of work or files corrupting etc.

SwedishSchnauzer · 25/11/2023 06:00

How many kids does he have?

How much did he actually spend on your son?

they have all lost a parent and the gifts are clearly just another way of showing love after previous heartbreak and now leaving home. It’s unexpected and kind to include your son. Personally I’d roll with it, this is something I couldn’t afford to do. I have to show my love in other ways.

however I would be unhappy if he was spending money he didn’t have or if he was day to day a grandiose character and the gifts were tied in with his ego.

Yoyoban · 25/11/2023 06:01

DoAWheelie · 25/11/2023 05:54

If he does return the stuff for your son, how would he feel watching them open all of that while getting barely anything in comparison? I think it's very nice that your partner is treating them all equally and it's all stuff that will be very helpful for them to have for their education.

Bad tech made my uni days way more difficult than they needed to be as I was forever dealing with computers crashing and losing the last hour of work or files corrupting etc.

A decent, reliable laptop, if he doesn't already have one, would be a nice gesture (depending on his course you could probably get something suitable for about half the cost of the MacBook Pro).

The rest of it is all excessive and unnecessary.

SwedishSchnauzer · 25/11/2023 06:06

ah so it’s 6k on your son. It’s irrelevant what he spends on his own kids, so the 6k gift is the only thing to weigh up. Yes it is a lot of money and potentially could be a red flag, however I sense it comes from a good space.

saffronsoup · 25/11/2023 06:08

It may be you are incompatible when it comes to money. I would be uncomfortable too as I don’t like flashy displays of money, grand gestures etc. I think you buy what you need but no need to spend a lot of extra to get brand names or always have the newest version.

As you can see though, for a lot of posters, they mostly care about money and the more a man spends on them the better of a partner he is. It could be he was in previous relationships with women who wanted him for money and gifts and saw spending on them as his main attractive feature so he may think this is what you want too. Some men haven’t been in relationships where they were loved for who they are, and rather they were loved for their wallet and what they could buy.

Princessandthepea0 · 25/11/2023 06:10

Some people are ridiculous. 6 figure income here. We’d too wait for a bonus for stuff like this. It means that saving aren’t impacted. His bonus could well be 5-6 fig. Waiting for a bonus doesn’t mean he can’t afford it.

GaspingGekko · 25/11/2023 06:14

I think buying all of that for Christmas is excessive and over the top. If he had no children and was just doing it for your son I would feel very uncomfortable.

But I think you need to look at this from the angle that he is treating your son fairly to his other children. That, as you're spending Christmas together, he is aware enough to realise that he can't give all that to his own children and just something token for your child.
I think it speaks to a caring and generous nature. I agree with PP, he's a keeper.

Yoyoban · 25/11/2023 06:14

It's also a massive red flag that he didn't even discuss this with you beforehand - has he even considered what you might want to buy for your own child?

Juliennehen · 25/11/2023 06:15

It's HIS money.

Holly60 · 25/11/2023 06:17

I agree with other posters that he has already decided to do this for his own children. He is generously including your son.

I think it all depends on how much this will cost in relation to his income/capital. If he can comfortably afford it, I think it's lovely.

The cost is all relative. If he is very comfortably off then the cost is insignificant - it is the gesture of fairness that matters.

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 25/11/2023 06:18

@Princessandthepea0 DH is fortunate enough to be on a similar size bonus to you. I used to be too. Naturally, we spend more once the bonus is in. However, we'd always make sure the DC had the kit they needed at the time they needed it. That was why I questioned how this man handles money. Waiting until the end of the first term to set them up for Uni is a bit odd. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where it's feast or famine financially.

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/11/2023 06:19

SaltPepperPotato · 25/11/2023 05:13

You’d be complaining if your son wasn’t included.

This.

He’s included your son, and treating him like his kids. What more could you want?

saffronsoup · 25/11/2023 06:22

I would also be concerned about what he is going to spend on you. If he spends 6k on a teen he has only met a few times, are you okay with who knows how much being spent on you?

Personally I wouldn’t be. I don’t like the flashy splashy displays of money and it creates an inequality and power dynamic in the relationship that I have no desire to be part of.

Iamblocked2 · 25/11/2023 06:22

is he very wealthy, is this his normal level of spend? I have to say I would be very uncomfortable too with this level of money spend on DS. I wouldn't really know how to handle the situation so no practical advice but it's OTT for me too.

Namechange4234 · 25/11/2023 06:22

Generous or love bombing?

Didn't discuss with you - controlling/coercive or likes to surprise?

If a new man of mine did this I'd run for the hills (I might wait til after Christmas though) 🤣🤣

What the feck is he going to buy YOU?????