To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

@Milkybarsareonmeeeee

it probably would be better. At 18 i would never expect to be treated to the same presents as my mums boyfriends kids!

I’d feel uncomfortable with this. It’s love-bombing by proxy. You haven’t even dated for a year. One of those gifts would have been generous, let alone all of them.

Being widowed makes people think very differently about life and love. He may think money is not important, and what is, are relationships and love. He may really care about you, and in turn your son.

Aside from the extravagant gestures, is he an alright bloke? Has he got a lot of money? Does he get massive bonuses and have all his mortgage paid off? If he has lots of spare cash, it may make him happy to make the people he loves happy and know that you can't take it with you.

If he is not getting in debt, and everything else is OK, I'd say try and see it for what it is, him making you and yours happy. Sounds like a keeper TBH.

I think I would feel very concerned about being so beholden to someone. Spending 20k on someone's family surely creates a huge power disparity.

Also, if the couple end up living together and making decisions about purchases together it might mean they're incompatible. OP might not want to share finances with someone who spends the equivalent of a house deposit on tech. Unless he's extremely wealthy, it seems very foolish to me.

I understand your concern OP, though I would assume the generosity was genuine and well-meaning. To have lost the mother of your twin sons when they were teenagers at the oldest by the sounds of it, must send you into a very protective mode, and if you had the money, it would be understandable if this was expressed financially.

A widower with children who attended a support group for the bereaved is probably an emotionally wise person who is keen to avoid the upset that blended family situations can often give rise to. And this is his way of doing it.

However, I also understand the imbalance this creates, and I feel from your posts this is the first time that he has made such a big display of materialism, and you are wondering if your values are aligned on this? You may be worrying about what this means about your potential role in any future financial planning for the two of you if you do choose you merge your homes and lives financially, and that is a valid concern.

But it is not an insurmountable one. I would accept the gifts with grace, but make clear that you would prefer for any subsequent signficant purchases (over £200?!) for you or your son to be discussed with you prior, so you can make your feelings clear if you think the money could be better spent, or at least feel you played a role in the decision. A decent man would be open to a conversation about that, but be prepared for the wealthy to be defensive about their materialism.

I am genuinely baffled by the people
who don't see an issue here!

I put YANBU but thought he had left your son out but no YABU here. It’s done just enjoy Christmas

but was waiting for his bonus

What is his line of work? People who work in finance in big cities often get massive bonuses. I am talking a couple of hundred of thousand after tax. Investment bankers get massive bonuses. 20K would be nothing to one of them.

I really like that he has included your child and considered him as much as his own.

I understand why you feel uncomfortable but if he can afford it and wanted to do it, allow your son to enjoy it. After all, loss can put things into perspective and life is to to be lived in the present.

He does sound like a keeper & I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

It could be an issue.

Equally it could be that he's just generous.

Maybe earns more than you think. Or has a big savings pot.

Has a very different outlook on money/gifts?

Unless it's a pattern of control/power I'd assume its a generous gift.

Do you think your son will thank you if you don't allow him to receive these gifts? He would have to sit and watch the others get everything.

Honestly I'd just be grateful for his inclusion of your son and his generosity.

This would make me really uncomfortable. Yes it is very generous, but it would be way more than I would want to spend. One of those would be fine as a gift. Your child is at least old enough to understand not to expect this kind of gift all the time but they also have opinions about tech and may not want an Apple bundle, or have the sense about them to see that the money could be better spent elsewhere.

I think if you spend your money so differently you may need to think if you're really compatible going forward in the relationship.

I agree that this depends on a few key factors, including how much he earns.

I agree that it seems an awfully big gift early on, however, there’s a specific reason (starting uni) and you are close enough that you are all happy to spend Christmas together, which for me would be a big deal. The fact that the children are happy with it too gives me the inclination that overall everyone is happy with this arrangement. I would imagine that if anything was ‘off’ about your DP your son would be sceptical.

If you have no other concerns about his behaviour, he is not generally showy etc then I would agree it’s highly likely he has been waiting to do this for his boys, and the logical thing so your son isn’t left it out is to do it for him too. This all hinges on him earning a significant amount of money. My dad used to earn six figure bonuses that were over half of his usual annual salary (saw the bonus slip once, he never told us ha) so that would be a small proportion of that for a one off special gift.

If you don’t have any other concerns and he is a high earner, I would be clear that it makes you uncomfortable but that if he is insistent you would accept it as a one-off as you recognise he is being generous and it’s a special situation. I would consider doing a more thoughtful bespoke gift for each of his sons (doesn’t need to be expensive obviously) as effort when it comes to gifts means as much as money (even if 18 year olds may not see that).

If he is a high earner you probably need to have this conversation about gifts generally going forward, as if he routinely spends a lot of money on his sons/other important people for Christmas and birthday and you will be sharing these occasions, it’s going to come up again.

@JonnaMam

a lot depends on how much the bonus was.

if he works in the city or similar and just got a £300k pls bonus then it’s fine and nice he’s including your son

Though I think he’s nuts to give 18 year olds that much tech, a couple of things from the list is already more than generous. Even if you are a high earner you have to teach your kids to value stuff and have their own motivations

I would feel uncomfortable too as would my dc if someone spent that kind of money on them. I guess to him the money is nothing as he is obviously wealthy but to me it’s a huge amount and not necessarily, who needs all of those items? His kids maybe use to these kind of gifts but how’s your son going to feel when given that much in one hit?

👍

It would make me more uncomfortable if he’d spent all that on his kids and mine would have nothing like it on Christmas morning. But he’s included your son and that’s extremely generous. I’d be of the attitude that if the relationship went down the dummy, at least my son got some awesome tech out of it.

I’d advise him to return the regular AirPods though, he does not need both.

I completely understand your discomfort, OP. Apart from anything else, it's way too much stuff to give any kid, and a huge waste of money.

He can't win
If he had just got those gifts for his children that would be wrong, he'd be called selfish and that he doesn't care about OPs son.
So he treats them equally but that is also wrong.
It doesn't really matter if they open presents together or not he's still going to know what the other kids got.

I don’t think anyone would say he was being selfish, she’s not even been with him a year, of course he doesn’t have to buy her ds the same as what he buys his own dc, one gift would have been fine.

7 months is not taking it really slow. Why have you got an issue with what he does with his money? Hes treating the children like equals and that is admirable. Also echo what others have said, doesnt sound like 20k more like 6k

I can see why you feel uncomfortable but if he has the money and wants to do it for his kids then that’s his choice. That he’s done it for yours too is a lovely gesture. I’d go with it for now but I wonder if the two of you have different views about money and what to spend it on. This might be worth exploring if you ever think about moving in or marrying and/or joining finances in the future but for now I’d just be happy for my child that they have this luck.

I actually agree, he should be free to buy his children what he wishes. This is his choice, but he was put on the uncomfortable situation her son would be sitting there watching, maybe with meagre gifts. So he’s decided to treat everyone equally.

I added it all up, just out of interest.

Assuming he got the basic model of everything mentioned, it comes to £14700+

I can well imagine that with things like cases, chargers, extra features etc, the OPs 20K mentioned is pretty accurate.

Surely he could be fair in many ways.

Ie give his kids the tech before or after Xmas.
He doesn't have to give then it all on Xmas day! And treat all equally

No one would suggest it's at all unfair to not give his girlfriend's son who he had met twice £6k worth of stuff.

A week at his house over Xmas sounds mad too. I mean I live my parents and we are spending 5 nights there it I have known them 50 years. Not met twice!

(Unless this is a wind up, it does all seem a bit unlikely)