To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

How lovely of him.

OP please don’t overthink it. Accept it graciously and hope your son enjoys it

lucky kids!

@BusterGonad

what trying to buy your kids favour is the way to a woman’s heart? Nah.

What if OP decided in a couple of months time that she wants to end the relationship?

Will the son have to give back all his stuff?

or should op stay in the relationship regardless of whether she wants to so that her son can continue to benefit from his apple laptop?

It's a very generous gift but I'd be worried about the pressure of what to buy his kids,there's no way I could match any where near that expense.
Also do you think his kids will be OK with him spending that much on your son,are they all quite close or is it likely to cause some sort of resentment?

I’m also surprised how many people are okay by this.

If it was a slightly different scenario, ie. Dp giving op lots of expensive gifts so soon, everyone would be shouting love-bombing.

For a new relationship, for a boy he’s only known a few months, it’s a huge amount of money to spend. I get that people are saying that it’s nice that everyone is being treated the same. But op’s son is not dp’s son. If dp hadn’t any children of his own, people would be saying grooming. Also op’s son is old enough to know that not everyone gets the same at Christmas and could get embarrassed by the huge gift (buying his love?).

Sorry to derail a bit but this is for @ClairDeLaLune, hope this helps you pal x

Asos - HAUL (30%)

Urban outfitters - EXTRA20 (20%)

Nike - SPRINT23 (25%) members only so sign up before hand if you've not got an account.

Hi! Left today's voucher codes hopefully they're helpful.

For little Stocking fillers and stuff to open on asos I'd have a look specifically for undies, (nike dri fit seem popular) and socks. They've also great skincare deals on cerave and some nice toiletries.

My DS loves self care stuff so whilst on sale with asos I've picked up some bits from lush and some facemask sheets.

If your DS has a beard, maybe some nice beard oil, if he's a clean shaven fella, asos has some good deal on good reusable razors.

Urban outfitters sell all sorts of overpriced shite so only buy on sale, but they have some nice gifts to open.
It's really worth trawling through with the voucher codes.

Boots and superdrug have some really good offers on men's fragrance atm and the boots 3 for 2 is great with body washes. My DS still loves lynx, but bulldog is a good older version.

Here are more "outside the box" ideas.
Poppy cooks' air fryer recipe book, it's great for young people.
Tickets to the local comedy club for you both or cinema tickets.
A cocktail making kit and recipe book.
Amazon has a stress pen, that you can make into shapes that looks cool, my dp is early 30s and wants one 😂

I have DS who wants to go America so he's got a bucket list book I found with all the best places to visit, if he likes the look of anywhere such as Japan or anywhere, Google something similar? (No idea why I chose japan, it just looks so cool!)

Music - album artwork, prints of his favourite album covers in frames (George asda do best cheapest frames, better than ikea) or depending on budget maybe his fave albums on vinyl, they're nice keepsakes/decorative.

Food - fancy biscuits/chocolate/hot chocolate. We're never too old for treats.
If he likes hot sauce something like a set of them, or if he likes things like noodles a proper ramen bowl and chopsticks.

Does he game online? If so wrap up a gift card.
I like to hide gift cards in things. So I'll attach a voucher for xbox or amazon or something to something really bizarre. Pineapples, onions, tins of beans.
I also wrap up fragrance samples in fivers, so it seems like a nice gift in itself.

If you've a good relationship and have a giggle together and aren't easily offended, I know it isn't for everyone but cards against humanity is a great game for some giggles, if that isn't something you'd be comfortable with maybe look for some less offensive games. My particular darling thinks he's on the trajectory to being an Edinburgh fringe headliner, so the more savage the better for him.

Techy bits like xl phone chargers/spare battery pack/case for earphones/phone case? Mine aren't techy arsed, but if your DS is into only specific things be careful with this.

Does he like sport? My DS likes those Nike hairband things and a new football every year, so my lovely neighbour can fetch it out his tree on boxing day. Nice guy, bless him 😂

My DS is particular with his clothes etc so I wouldn't even attempt to buy those but I still pick up pjs etc and those oodies but cheaper versions are great.

Don't overthink it because he's older now, I remember a lad at work turning 21 telling his mam "no presents, all cash. I don't want any shite to open, just cold hard cash", she did it and lesson learned, he said he was gutted Xmas day!

Good luck:)

But there are a few “ifs” in your response: if it was the OP, and it isn’t, ( though there may yet be a juicy Boxing Day update🤣), if there were no DC of his own. There are. Personally I agree DC is old enough to understand not everyone gets the same, but he might want to make the statement that if the relationship deepens he would treat DC equally. I’m not sure I think that’s too sinister ( whereas making the statement to op if you stick about I’ll buy you stuff is a more off-key. The two are subtly different and if you pepper the scenario with ifs that gets a bit lost). Increasingly though I’m wondering ( and maybe it’s the replies) if what OP really meant was “ I am uncomfortable so how do i go about refusing it.”

All the posters saying 'he's treating your son like one of his own' can't you see that is so wrong?

He's only known the OP for a few months.

It's completely wrong to start treating her son like one of his!

I don't get the impression they live together but are simply 'dating'.

The OP and this man may split at any time.

I'd be very worried about a man who was so invested (literally) in spending that amount even if it's a drop in the ocean to him.

It looks as if he's trying to 'buy' the OP through her son, or he has some issues of his own where he can't see boundaries (between parenting his own children and his new-ish girlfriend's.)

I would feel as if I owe him something now. He completely overshot and not remotely appropriate I think.

There's a big difference in looking from the perspective of the giver and receiver hence the differing views.

I don't think it's a simple case of scaling up presents by income. Some of my investment banking colleagues received seven and eight figure bonuses. They didn't multiply present cost by a factor of 100 or whatever because it would become a silly amount so I don't really buy the 'it's only like £100 to them' argument.

My issue wouldn't be whether he could afford it (it's up to him how he spends his money) but that I think it's excessive for teenagers to receive £6k of tech for Christmas. Particularly if it makes your presents look meagre and an anticlimax thereafter.

Over the top reaction. Shes spending christmas with him and his family and has even said her son is having a room their. It's up to him what he spends on his children, hes then included her son in it. Which is generous, it's not him overstepping in his relationship with her. It's some christmas present and it's a relatively large sum of money. But hes clearly got access to it. Her son is free to turn the presents down. If she doesnt want to be with someon who shares their wealth and is generous and tries to treat all the children equally shes free to call him out, but if she feels uncomfortable I'm afraid that's on her.

but if she feels uncomfortable I'm afraid that's on her.

Yes of course it is - it means she has boundaries & recognises how inappropriate this excess is & what it potentially signifies (an issue with his view of the relationship).

Not sure what point the rest of your post was making.

What screams out at me is-

A lack of communication between them. As a couple this should have been discussed beforehand.

A new-ish man (8 months in) and supposedly 'taking it slowly' treating his girlfriend's adult son to gifts worth £thousands.

A new-ish man thinking he has the same kind of relationship with the son as he does with his own children, and has to buy 'equally'.

Of course the son won't refuse the gits. What a stupid idea from a PP. It would appear rude and the son presumably will be thrilled to bits, if not also a bit embarrassed.

It also puts the OP in a very hard position.
She can't match this level of spending.
She won't be able to return the gesture (buying for the boyfriend's kids) or even her own.

It could also be seen as manipulative- 'buying' the OP's affection and trying to create some kind of bond with her son far too soon.

To me, this guy seems insensitive and not really thinking any of this through.

I reckon he's going to buy you a sports car, OP!

Get him some really nice socks.

a bit off topic, but how can he afford all of this?

It’s in the OP - bonus. Personally I think it’s up to the individual how they spend their money and it’s a sad old world where someone’s generosity is questioned like it has been on this thread.

I think it's kind of him to be do generous and thoughtful

But, I'd worry that you aren't compatible financially and this could be an ongoing theme ie 2 of you not being on the same page when it comes to money and spending

It does seem excessive (2 sets of ear pods and both the iPad and a MacBook) seem to be somewhere he could have saved if he wanted to. He sounds generous and kind but I can see how you feel uncomfortable as that’s a lot of money. Then again you’d have felt uncomfortable if your son didn’t get as much spent in him and had to watch the others open their gifts. It’s a tricky one.

What are you buying his kids 🙈

Sounds like he isn’t interested in spending his money on himself and wants to spoil his adult children. Perhaps he’s bought for your son because you are all spending Christmas together and he didn’t want to ‘leave him out’ of the generosity. Can you not just talk to him about it?

the excessiveness is also the sheer number of different flash items

It would be a bit better if it was actually 1 very flash £6k laptop/gaming pc/music set up system.

rather than a laptop AND an ipad AND an iphone AND 2 sets of headphones. thats just excessive.

Of course the OP also now gets to experience the joy of

Here is your present from bob - oh ah how amazing
And here is your present from OP - oh um thanks for the socks

She is totally shown up in this present giving scenario. nothing she gets for anyone will be anything like as good as what he has got for them.

He got rinsed with the apple care

I think its a very clear message and statement of intent. He is demonstrating that he intends to treat your DC as 'his own'. If this fits with your own hopes for the relationship, that it will be serious, long term and will join your families, then lucky you, you've won the relationship lottery. However if you don't feel the same, feel its too soon, or would want to keep your DC as 'seperate' even if it goes the distance, then a conversation needs to be had that goes beyond 'you're too generous'.

I started going out with a guy for a few months. I bought him a nice t shirt for Christmas. He bought me a really expensive camera. Like you, I was mortified. And a bit overwhelmed at the time but 23 years & 2 kids later, I realise he's just a naturally generous person and one of the way he expresses his love through gifts. He doesn't buy much for himself either but he loves the process of buying tech toys. There really were no red flags in his case. Hope it's the same for you.

Same here.

It is too soon, and the emotional dynamics are too wrong, for anyone to be playing at step-families at all, never mind with all this largesse.

OP should take a big step back and spend Christmas morning with her son, then go with him to see her boyfriend and his children.

Someone upthread mentioned everyone obviously liking one another etc. The boyfriend has met the OP's son three times. OP's son has met the boyfriend's children once. OP also appears to have met his children once.

In what other situation would you go and spend an entire week with two young adults whom you don't know, and allow a person who barely knows your child to give them 6k worth of laptops, phones etc?

I can't believe people are so beguiled by "spending lots of money" = "nice man".

If he were a genuinely nice man, he would be taking things more slowly for everyone's sakes. He is rushing OP and her son and his own children here.