To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

Some of these answers 🤦🏻‍♀️

Of course it's problematic, on multiple levels.

It's way too much money, for well,anyone someone in his position - mum's boyfriend.

It's completely outside the norms for what OP would usually gift

It's a whole heap of tech, some duplicated - does DS even want these items?

It may well be done with good intentions, but it's still making certain assumptions about the relationship & how serious it is.

I would absolutely be talking to him, explaining your concerns & limiting these gifts - just the AirPods are an amazing gift.

@JonnaMam I would be uncomfortable too- apart from anything else what's he going to give you! And I think your son might find it difficult to get so much from a virtual stranger. If I were you l, I would give him a heads up. I know it will spoil the the surprise, and he'll have to pretend he didn't know. But I don't think it's fair not to warn him.

He is well off, his wife has passed, his mortgage has presumably been paid off by insurance, he may have had other insurance pay out too

This was my thought too, he probably has money and is happy to spend it on stuff he knows will be well recieved (LOL at the PPs claiming an 18 year old will feel awkward about receiving a tonne of Apple products).

The crux is that it's probably too soon to be mixing Christmasses but it is different as they're a bit older and live away, they're not small children. I suspect he just thought it would be hideously savage to have Xmas together and to have his children open a tonne of expensive gifts and for your son to be sat watching. Unless there are other red flags it seems thoughtful to me.

This has to be one of the daftest responses I've seen

So many assumptions about the cost & affordability.

And then - he knows it's for life and because you haven't said otherwise he assumes you feel the same? Dear. God.

What a lovely, kind and generous man you have OP.
Take a moment to read through some of the multiple posts on here from women who have chosen partners who don’t treat their children well or refuse to contribute as they don’t want to provide for their child.
Then you may see how lucky you are to have a partner who has thought about including your son in his lovely generous gifts
Dont put your son at a detriment just because you feel uncomfortable. Apple tech will be useful for him for university.

LOL at the PPs claiming an 18 year old will feel awkward about receiving a tonne of Apple products

Why LOL?

I have teens. Sure they'd like some of these items. Not a whole heap of them.

One has just got a new phone following a relative's upgrade - they don't need a new phone, it would be pointless.

Gifts aren't about 'loads of expensive stuff'. They should be about what someone needs or wants, or will see as valuable to them.

Yes it’s a lot but he’s treating your son the same as his kids which is lovely

Are you serious?

You can be 'lovely & thoughtful' for less than £6k - for your girlfriend's son, in a new relationship.

The idea he has to do it because he is doing it for his own DC is nuts.

@wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain has said exactly what I was thinking. This makes me uncomfortable, let alone you.

I agree.

He's steamrolled the entire tone of the Christmas, it's really very weird.

Many of my twat detectors are going off:
-unilateral decisions
-excessive largesse
-symmetry of gift despite relationship difference
-overstepping boundaries

He sounds very generous, OP.

It is lovely he has included your son, too. Yes, it's extravagant, but they are all useful for university students, and I personally think it's very thoughtful.

Maybe say something like

That is a lot of money, and you really didn't need to do that, but thank you so much. He will love them.

Don't offend by telling him to return. He will likely feel good that he has purchased them.

Is it lovely for an adult child who has lost his father?

It runs counter to all advice on how to merge families.

The assumptions about affordability are based on the OP saying he is well off and his wife has passed. Anyone sensible with their finances would have insurance covering mortgage and life assurance. It is not therefore that much of a jump to assume he did.

I am not saying he knows it is for life but that I did so PERHAPS he feels like this.

Yours us one of the grumpiest responses I have seen. Dear God yourself 🤣

I thought it was going to be that he'd got all that just for his kids and yours would be left out but he's included your son which is really nice.
It's a lot but I bet your son will appreciate it. Maybe you can tell your partner you don't spend that much normally but you appreciate him treating your son like his own children.

I bet it is. All those items for 3 people.

I think it's really generous that he's including your son I take this that he really wants him to feel included. If there are no red flags and your relationship is great I would just say a very big thank you and hopefully your son will to!

He will likely feel good that he has purchased them

I mean, as long as he feels good, that's the main thing 🙄

How would you feel if his children opened all those presents and your son has nothing? Or how would your son feel? At 18, I might be quite embarrassed if I was him and they had significantly so much more then me.

Peoples incomes and expenses can be drastically different, I think it’s so nice he’s considered your son and his feelings. I’m not sure why you’re so upset by it, is it because you’re unable to do it yourself?

He can afford it and he wants to, perhaps it’s just not that much to him. A lot of men wouldn’t give a shit and exclude your son. He sounds thoughtful and kind.

I suspect he just thought it would be hideously savage to have Xmas together and to have his children open a tonne of expensive gifts and for your son to be sat watching

Then the obvious thing would be for the OP and her boyfriend to spend the present-opening time in their own homes, and then get together for Christmas lunch.

Part of this problem has arisen because they're trying to play at families when both sets of children have lost a parent. It would be better to take it all much more gradually, and it would be a red flag to me if a man didn't see that.

Yours us one of the grumpiest responses I have seen.

You think? Because I think it's common sense.

In terms of affordability, I'm sure he can - but actually, OP says he did it based on a bonus he received. So no need for your invented narrative - she says exactly how it was afforded.

It doesn't matter if PERHAPS he thinks it's for life and if PERHAPS he assumes she feels the same - there's no indication that's the case, and if it is, she has a lot more to worry about. You don't go assuming someone has made a life decision about you.

Exactly this.

Plenty of reasonable solutions here that don't involve this excess.

This behaviour is itself a red flag.

The Max are big fully over the ear traditional headphones, so a lot different to the in ear small buds. Not that I would have both myself (If I even had one 🤣)

This behaviour is itself a red flag.

Exactly. Even if well-meant, which it very possibly is.

Accept and be grateful. It is a generous, kind gift. If he can afford to do this then let him and be grateful.