To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

Have you seen the things people on here begrudge their step children? I'd rather it this way round.

May be he wants to treat his children and your son equally so whatever he gets for his children, he gets the same for yours.

I would feel uncomfortable too but some are used to spending so I wouldn't worry about it if he earns well.

Well I imagine he doesn’t want to gift his kids all of that and nothing for your son, so I see why he’s done it. I’d just let him spend that, what are you going to do, give your son a few bits worth £100 and his kids get all that? At the end of the day it’s his money and if he wants to spend some on your son then let him.

I agree with every point @wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain has made. I'm a complete Apple tech user, and would say if you have an iPhone you don't need an iPad, and unless you are seriously into CAD/gaming, the MacBook Pro is overkill for uni work. The red flag is the profligate spending (aftercare for every item, seriously?) How is he as a saver?

You guys have been together a year in a couple months, I would be concerned about love bombing if this was a few weeks or months in but it's not.

Have you discussed moving in together? Maybe your partner has thought about you and your son moving in with him, with the spare room being made up for your son over Xmas and maybe this is just a gesture that he thinks of your son as an equal to his own children.

Personally I would talk to him and say that you're not used to big spends like this and I'm sure the chat will help. I have a partner who is very generous with his time and money but I don't worry it's coming from a bad place, it's coming from love

How would it work? You return all the stuff he got for your son and on Christmas morning he opens a Linx Safari set and a packet of socks?
It sounds a bit over the top but it's all things they'll use I'm sure.

Call me shallow but I'd be looking forward to my Christmas present.

I would mention you are overwhelmed and it's not your usual approach to gifts.

But, I would also applaud the fact he included your son, bought tech which though expensive is a very practical gift.

That's insane. I'd be extremely uncomfortable with such a ridiculous excess!

OP it’s a really generous gesture from someone who seems like a decent person. You’ve had a lot of sadness in your life that lead you to meet him and I urge you to just cease the joy and generosity of spirit and enjoy Christmas together. Perhaps you could do Christmas stockings for everyone on Christmas morning as opening those will be special too and appreciated just as much. I really do hope that you have a wonderful Christmas together.

I'm surprised so many people are totally ok with this. I'd say it's so generous, but too generous and give him just part of it. So like the iPad, watch and airpods only, of just the Mac

Your uncomfortable because it's too much money Op, you've not being seeing him very long and your DS hardly knows him. I know teenagers love tech and it would be useful for Uni but it's over generous of your DP, one gift would be fine.

Can he afford it?

Yes, it is a lot of money but if he is in a highly paid job and can afford it, then all the apple kit is very useful.

It is very nice that he is including your son like this.

It might be that you and DP need to have the money chat. See what he earns and how he spends it - is he a spendthrift? You will need to have this chat at some point to see if you are long term compatible.

OP how will your son react to getting this haul of gifts from your newish partner?

This is too much too quickly, I would feel uncomfortable too.

I think you should talk to him and try to dial it down. If he can't listen without getting offended, it's a useful warning.

This is all very full on for a first Christmas, you're not a family.

I think returning the gift would be rude and ungrateful. You will make him feel awful and rejected. He didn't want your child left out.

A macbook pro can be up to 4/5k i think if you get the best stats on it. But that 3x and youre already pretty close to 20k. Then 3x new phones for 1k 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think its nice he included your son and like pp said its all useful items. You can maybe have a conversation about it, but i think your son would be over the moon if hes included like that.

I want to add @JonnaMam I would see this as a big red flag tbh - you say he wanted to do this before uni started - so you got together in Feb and by summer he wanted to spend £7k on your son??!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'd be backing out the door. This gift feels weird.

Even if he was loaded that's still insane to buy that much brand new tech for anyone let alone a teenager.
however he's done it now and you can't ask him to return it. What kind of expectations is he setting up though??

I’m assuming as he is a widow he is trying to make Christmas very special for his children and yours. Even if his wife died some time ago, he may be so delighted that he will be having an enjoyable Christmas again he has gone ‘all out’.
Grief can make you take less rational decisions - I booked a lot of holidays. I could afford it but it was completely irrational and that live for the moment mentality. I should say I enjoyed them though, and wouldn’t have changed it. With grief I’ve generally become more generous and less nervous on spending. Is he financially solvent? I’d assume so as he was waiting for his bonus to pay out.
It may be worth having a chat with him, but gently, and checking he is sure about the gifts. Tread carefully though, at the end of the days it’s his money, express your gratitude and that you are really pleased he has included your son but say the most important thing for you is the day being enjoyable.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas together x

It's a huge amount of money but he obviously wants to do it, what's the issue? I'd be delighted.

Well it's a lot, but it's lovely for your DS, if he's a good man then graciously accept the gift.

I bet they loved him in the Apple shop!

Money turns heads. People overlook emotional weirdness from rich people.

If this is coming from previous grief, that's not great.

I agree that it's a lot but I think it's a sign of generosity that he wanted to include your child as he is in the same position as his two. Maybe he is trying to make your first Christmas as a family a very special one and wants to show your son he is very much a part of it. Or it could just be an indication of how serious he is about you.

He sounds very generous and lovely.

However, having been married to an initially generous and kind man who later would use prior generosity as an excuse to behave badly and then bring the generosity up as evidence of what a great guy he was and what a shrewish, ungrateful nag I was, I would feel slightly wary. I’d also be worried that when he didn’t have quite so much money to hand - he had to wait for a bonus to do this so it’s not like he’s consistently wealthy - he might feel resentful of the money he spent if things weren’t going well between you. I wouldn’t like the obligation this kind of spending on your child creates.