To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

[JonnaMam]

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

I think this is important. I imagine it will make him feel very uncomfortable.

I wonder how his children feel - that they are no more important to their dad than someone else's child? Will his children now be expecting big gifts from you?

And what if you decide in the new year ghe relationship isn't working? How would you feel about breaking up with him.

Did he talk to you about this or just decide this was what he was doing

This would make me very uncomfortable to the point of reconsidering compatibility.

I'd feel weird about this if I was one of his kids, that my dad was spending the same money on someone he's known 8 months.

Yup

Odd behaviour, even if he’s very well off. You’ve only been dating 9 months!

If you decide against asking him to give DS something smaller (one item from the list would still be a lot!) would talk to DS before xmas as a lot of people would find it challenging to handle being given such an expensive set of tech by their parent’s new boyfriend!

I think it’s lovely personally and I don’t understand your gripe. It’s great he included your DS like this, he really didn’t have to. It’s his money to spend.

It’s too soon to talk of step DC and blended families. OP has said the plan was to take it slow.

Best case scenario, which seems likely, that he’s wealthy (so isn’t spending money he can’t afford) generous and kind, into OP and wanting to be kind to DS, but hasn’t thought it through.

Just one of those items would have been a generous present.

Can he afford all of that?

😂😂😂

It's very nice and generous he included your son. Your son is already 18, is up to him to accept the gift or not.

He honestly sounds dreamy - if you don't want him, I will!

Do the DC even like/use Apple stuff ? Isn’t some of it a bit of duplication? (iPad and the laptop). Personally I would hate it because it’s all just one big pile of the same type of stuff to me and it’s ridiculously over the top.

Couldn’t they have each just been given one type of computer and some ear pods? That would be plenty. What the hell will he get them next year ? 🤣

I would be really happy tbh. If he had just got your son these things I would be nervous but it’s all three kids.

unlikely Apple would easily refund these

It really depends on context. If he eg. has a big mortgage and is tight financially elsewhere/struggles paying for stuff at other times, this could be An indication of a spend thrift and a worrying sign for the future where you might find that he soends his cash as soon as it arrives and has no saving or assets.

If however he is just very wealthy and wants to treat your joint children this one time when they have just left home then its a lovely gesture.

I would voice some of your concerns that while you are grateful, you are uncomfortable at the disparity in income and spending and discuss it maturely. As long as this won't cause resentment on either side then it isn't an issue.

Context is everything.

For some people, dropping £7k on apple kit would be like spending £50 on a nice meal out for others.

As I said earlier you do need to talk about finances and how he spends money to see if you are financially compatible

If he can afford it then it's up to him how he spends his money and I think it's lovely that he's included your son.
I wonder what you'll be getting for Christmas from him?!

that made me laugh. I really want to know what he has bought you for Christmas too OP.

It’s not lovely it’s gross. Who needs all that tech for university? An Apple Watch is not an essential for any student. Im not one of those people who gives their kids a book and a lump of coal but I have an aversion to those kinds of OTT displays of wealth. It’s not even a thoughtful OTT gift. I also think his own kids may potentially be put out the OPs son is getting exactly the same - a laptop would have been a very generous gift on its own.

Yes, because it is weird.

It is a bit over the top, but £20k for him is probably like ‘us’ spending £100.
However, I think it is lovely that he has included your son in this. He sounds genuinely lovely and thoughtful.
For now, I would say to enjoy it! Don’t feel bad that someone wants to spend some money on you all.

We're well off and try to give the kids nice presents but their main gift would be one of those items.

It would make me uncomfortable. Firstly because it seems excessive and sets a precedent that you won't be able to match (and makes it harder next time as they have everything). I also think it's important that kids understand the value of money and not have everything given to them on a plate.

I can also sense possible tension going forward if you're being careful with money and, if you were living together, you'd rather use the money on a bigger house or car etc than extreme amounts of presents.

As a different point, I think that’s way too overwhelming a number of tech gifts for anyone. There isn’t time to appreciate each one. I genuinely wouldn’t like to receive all that in one go. Maybe due to the hassle of packaging removal and setting up ;-)

Does your son want this stuff? Does he prefer Microsoft laptops to Apple products?

It just feels too much to me to get at once. For any of his kids.

You think he has an income 200 times the average?? If so, he would have been able to afford these gifts in summer as he wanted rather than waiting for his bonus.

It sounds like he wants all DC to have the same exciting things to open for Christmas, I would say this is very kind and thoughtful but can also see why you might feel uncomfortable a little bit. Perhaps have the conversation about it around how much you’d normally spend and how generous it is but that you’d like to chat it over.

As you have both lost spouses (and the children’s other parent?) he might be doing all he can for that reason. Uni is a big milestone, especially as a young person who has lost a parent too. Perhaps he feels he wants to bridge a gap (even if you feel there isn’t one!)

I wonder if he’s paying back in kind, in his own way? Did you support his DC or him during the Uni transition, emotionally etc?

I think it’s ok he wants to treat all the kids the same in terms of presents, it shows character. As long this is a general pattern of thoughtful and generous behaviour

I would feel very uncomfortable about this on every possible count.

He's a relatively new boyfriend and isn't playing a step-parent role in your son's life, so this all seems excessive to me.

Losing a parent is bad enough without someone else's parent steaming in. I have experience of this and if I were the son in this scenario I would feel very weird and wrong and overwhelmed by receiving gifts of this value from a man I'd only met a few times and who means nothing to me. I'd also find it weird if I were one of the man's own children. How come he's treating a young man he barely knows in the same way as he's treating them?

In the OP's position, I'd have wanted to have discussed it together before he did this (and I'd probably have said no, as it sets up expectations and also highlights the disparity in income and, possibly, priorities).

I actually think it's too soon to be playing at blended families over Christmas. I would say that there's no need to 'blend families' at all when all the children are technically adults. It might be nice to spend the day together, but this is all too much, too soon.

He is well off, his wife has passed, his mortgage has presumably been paid off by insurance, he may have had other insurance pay out too and it may be his chance to do a one off gesture for the kids at the time where decent tech may be useful to them. Perhaps Apple did him a deal buying that much at once. He may have even used his kids student numbers to get the apple student discount so he wouldn't have paid full retail price anyway.

By all means have a conversation with him but it is a 10 month relationship and I know I knew within 3 months that I was going to be with my husband. Perhaps he feels the same and you haven't indicated otherwise so he assumes you do too.