I really like a colleague but I'm not single

[Kelly099]

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

Apologies for the length of that

I know crushes as such as normal but it's how you deal with it.

I think yer man is stalling! If you hadn’t packed to go he would have continued with the vagueness. He owes you a totally honest chat. Any chance?

and u don’t need to apologise ..

I wouldn’t wait. Why does he have to ‘wait to propose’?

I told my DH I wanted to get married, he agreed, we were married within a year. I don’t understand these (mostly men) who have to plan to plan something.

The issue here isn't the colleague, it's your current relationship- the crush is just that, because you're feeling lost in your situation and are looking for a way out.

I sympathise, I have been there, and ended up acting on my feelings with my colleague (after my relationship was finished). Now I'm well out of the other side (was several years ago) I see my feelings for my colleague for what they were- a desperation to get out of a relationship that wasn't working, and projecting what I wanted on someone else.

You say you've been with your partner 'a few years'- if he doesn't know now that he wants to marry you and have children, he never will I'm afraid. Leave him and find someone who wants what you want.

Good luck.

I tried to get him to commit to a wedding date, but he kept changing his mind. I've tried soo many times to chat with him about it, I'm sick of having the conversation. I'm scared I will ruin his Christmas and hurt him a lot.

Your boyfriend is stalling. You were planning to leave and all he could give you was "I swear I'm going to propose next year?" In that situation, if he wanted to commit to you, he should have proposed immediately.

Get out! Regardless of what happens with this other guy.

Leave your partner and see what happens with the other guy. Clean break. If you’re going to marry the man you live with he’d have proposed by now. Rip off the sticking plaster and set yourself free. Be very clear about what you want in life and love when you get into a new relationship and make sure you’re on the same page.

In your shoes, I would have a decisive converstation with your partner over the weekend. My DH proposed after 1.5 months, we have been together for 25 years. When a man knows he likes you and he knows he can lose you he acts fast. Tell him you need a proposal and a ring on your finger or you are gone (be prepared to follow words with action). You are losing your best fertile years on someone who might never going to commit. Your need to shake your current partner out of his slumber or pursue this new guy ASAP.

He's said he's been talking it over with some friends and family. Maybe he would actually propose next year, but I have no idea. However part of me thinks, why next year?

I agree - your crush is more about your relationship with a vague, wishy washy boyfriend.

It sounds as though he has left you hanging for too long. Leave.

Your DP is stringing you along. If he wanted to marry you, he'd ask you. If he thought you were The One, he'd say so. It's one thing being unsure, it's quite another hedging his bets until someone better comes along.

You didn't leave last time time, this time you should. I think it's only once you're single that you can consider whether what you feel for your colleague is more than a crush and not just a symptom of you feeling fed up with your DP.

Bollocks to his Christmas, he's not a child.

Leave man 1
See if man 2 fancies a drink
Marry man 2/3/4...

He won't propose, what's so special about next year? Why not this year? Today even ?
Split permanently from him , then you'll be free to pursue other relationships.

Why next year? What is going to different then?

I wouldn't worry about the guy at work but I would leave your current boyfriend.

Then you can date whoever you fancy who is free at the time.

Your boyfriend isn't 8 you don't need to wait until after Christmas unless you think that he might propose over Christmas NY?

He's ruining your life...

Arghhh. Your crush is because you know your current partner isn't the one.

Whether anything happens with your crush or not, your "D"P is the one having his cake and eating it. It might be different if you hadn't voiced your desire to marry, start a family etc but he's hanging on. Probably, and sorry, waiting for something better to come along.
Get rid. Be single. Pursue this work crush IF you still feel you like them after some alone time. But leave your DP.
Men who know, know. Boys don't know and play games.

When I asked him to commit to booking a registry office with me he said 'This wasn't the way I imagined it'. He's said 'I wanted to do it the proper way." Which I do understand.

The guy you’re with is stalling and you are not his one, if you was he would have atleast proposed by now. Why is he waiting for next year? Just stalling.

Dump him and try your luck with the work guy but if not so what, the guy your with now certainly won’t be changing anytime soon so you have nothing to loose

He should have taken risk to get it down with you.

I have seen opposite happen too.

You are unreasonable now because you are in a relationship with someone and thinking of someone else.

Are you happy in your current relationship?

Are you just physically present with current guy and mentally longing for the single guy who is shy and afraid ?

Sorry to be honest.

How is your sexual and emotional connection with the existing one?

Lacking something?hiding something?

Feel some thing else?

Much love,

JVD.

Aside from not being married, how's your relationship with your bloke? Does he pay his way? Treat you with kindness and respect? Share the household chores? What is it about getting married that will make a difference? Ask yourself all that and then decide whether you're going to be happy with him without marriage. If not, leave.

Stop thinking about ruining HIS Christmas and hurting HIS feeling and start thining about yourself. No one will care for you if you end up 40, single and childless. I agree with others, if your current partner wanted to commit he would have done so by now. Give him this weekend. Time to be decisive. If he is still stalling, just pack up and go. What you don't want him to do is to commit and then to walk out on you on the day of wedding. If you sense any hesitancy on his part, just have a clean break. Don't waste your best fertile years on someone like him.

Faced with the prospect of losing you, your partner isn't even ready to propose until next year? That is stringing you along. Also when asked whether you were the one, "I think so" is not the right answer. Not after several years!

I don't think your crush should be a factor. It's just a crush. But you do need to jettison your partner so you can be free to get on with your life and hopefully meet the right guy.

I agree with the others, he got scared you would leave and is stalling. If he knows he's ready to propose next year then why not now? When next year, like Jan or next Dec? Tell him if he's waiting a year to propose you'll plan a wedding very soon after, just registry office or something and see what he says. If he's not happy with that plan then he's trying to buy a few years, one until he proposes and another couple to save and plan for a wedding. What's his plan around kids as in what's acceptable earnings?
The issue here isn't the other guy, you're looking around as you're not happy with your partner

Being honest men are kind of simple, as in if he wanted to he would.

I’d have hated to push someone into marrying me, there shouldn’t be hesitation.

It’s your life, just don’t waste time on someone who’s going to hurt you in the long run.