I really like a colleague but I'm not single

[Kelly099]

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

The other day he shushed me twice which I found disrespectful. Once was because I asked a question when a show was coming on, and he said 'shush, just watch!' the other time it was when a song he liked came on so he shushed me. I told him I found it disrespectful but he didn't see why.

Hmmmm

I used to say to people “Hey, men never suggest marriage until pressure is put on them in some way, my man took nearly a decade to propose etc etc if I’d stormed off impatiently we wouldn’t be together…”

But… I had to nag him into buying our first house, and I had to organise (and pay for) every detail of our wedding, and then it was years until he agreed to try for kids…

And he didn’t come to the NCT classes, did absolutely nothing for the kids, does no housework either, is totally focused on work/himself… So obvs I ended up SAHM… At events for parents and sports days etc everyone else comes as couples and I’m always there alone…

And I wonder: what would it have been like to marry someone who wanted to marry me? Who actually wanted to be a dad and appreciated and enjoys children for the magical joy they are? Who came to the online parents’ evening instead of saying he’s too tired and watching TV instead of having a 5min zoom call with our child’s teacher? Who plays with the kids at weekends instead of gaming in his study?

None of us can tell you what to do. But…

Maybe don’t turn into me. 😔

Honestly I think you know that you can't trust this man to build a life with you. I'm sorry you went through all the furore of breaking up and then got back together. He wants you as his girlfriend, not his wife and mother of his children - or at least, if he comes to want that it'll be too late for you and the timetable during which you want to get things done.

Forget the colleague, dump the boyfriend. He needs the clarity of realising he's really really lost you. If he comes back in 6 months apologising and wanting to book the registry office, well you're not heading to Mars are you you'll be around (if he's quick).

I think we've all had the colleague crush but it is really a symptom not an answer, funnily enough I had one at a similar point in relationship (now married to the boyfriend which answers that question!)

Good luck x

Oh dump him, he sounds so weak and limp. Go out with the bloke who might have something between his legs.

You absolutely can have cake!

The BF is lying. Whether or not you date the work guy, don't let yourself be tied down to something that's not going anywhere and doesn't treat you well. He's the one who can't have his cake.

This is starting to feel like a bit of a dripfeed, OP. Why don't you just tell us what he's really said about his new colleague and other awful stuff he's said. Because it really does feel like you're holding something significant back.

To me, it sounds like you're placing all the importance on making your partner commit to marrying you, rather than whether you actually love him. Very recently, you felt you'd be better off without him if he wasn't going to marry you. All this stuff about asking 'Am I the one?' and all that feels very much like you're in love with the idea of being married rather than in love with him as a person.

And he very clearly doesn't want to get married. If he wanted to get married, he would have asked you. Maybe he will agree to get married, but it will because you gave him an ultimatum, not because it's what he wants.

Personally, if someone was the right man for me and I loved them, I would rather be with them (and unmarried) than without them. But very recently you felt you'd rather be without your partner entirely. That, to me, doesn't sound like the great basis for a relationship (or indeed a marriage). Plus, I'm pretty sure that even if he does agree to get married, you will spend the entire marriage wondering, and probably asking him, if he only married you because you gave him no other option.

I suspect your crush on your colleague is a bit of red herring, actually. Lots of people have a bit of a crush on a colleague but if they're happy with their partner, they don't consider acting on it and are fully aware that it's no more than a little crush of the same kind you might have on your favourite actor and it doesn't develop. I think that in your case it's developing into an attraction that's deeper than a crush simply because deep down you don't have the same feelings for your partner that you once did.

I don't mean to drip feed, he's never mentioned anything about her, just said they went out until 2am. If I'm honest, generally he's great but occasionally he speaks to me or acts in a disrespectful manner, his Mum said the same apparently.

Oh wow yes this is a hard one but it really is time for your partner to shit or get off the pot - unpleasant but very clear saying!

He says he wants to do it the “rigjt way” which would have been fine years ago but he knows that his hesitation and reluctance is now causing you significant doubt and is pushing you to the point of leaving the relationship, if he knew he definitely wanted to marry you then he’d be down on one knee within the week to repair the doubt he’s caused.
The reality is, he doesn’t want to. For whatever reason and maybe it is valid to him - fine. Hes entitled to not want to get married but he’s not entitled to keep promising something he probably knows deep down he won’t deliver on.

Ive been in your shoes (although about children and not marriage) and I saw through Christmas, gave it one final push in the new year and once I saw nothing had changed I left. Married and two kids with the love of my life within 18 months.

sometimes it’s just not meant to be OP, and that’s OK. Best of luck!

That's partially why I said I was leaving initially. I didn't want it to seem like he'd only said yes because he'd felt pressured, I wanted it to come from him.

I said to him we can book a registry office and he can also do his proposal when he wants, but he wouldn't agree to that.

To be honest who knows what he did with her.?

He is not honest to you in first place.

Will he be honest about his colleague/that girl with whom he spent till 2am?

To be honest a quickie takes 5 to 8 minutes on average.

It's just that if I stay with him I risk never being married or having children, and I don't think it is losing those things. Plus, what if you stay then he dumps you once you're past being able to have children?

It seems he's just not that into you. Not fussed about getting married, thinks it'll be the end of the best days of his life rather than the start, likes going out on the piss, doesn't really give you much respect.
But gets a bit scared when you take charge and want to end it. So acts the coward.

Just take control of your life OP, don't waste any more time.

Next year is a Leap Year. Maybe you should joke to him that you're now planning to propose to save him doing it. His reaction should tell you everything.

"men are kind of simple"

Imgaine if a man had said that about a woman 🤔

Urghhh just leave him. He’s not that into you. And then you’re single and see where it goes with work guy?

You've asked to set a date but he hasnt proposed yet? You asked him if you were the one and he said I think so. Hes not messing you around because hes not ready for what you want yet. Let's face it you're checking out guys at work and making excuses why it's ok, and why hed be a better match for you, but you've not even had a conversation outside of work. Your bf isnt the one for you either.

If I told him I was planning to propose, he'd probably just laugh nervously. I know if I say again I'm leaving, I will have to go this time, it's not fair to mess him like that.

I think that poster means simple as in straightforward. And I think it's true. When a man meets the woman he wants to marry, there's no game playing or messing around, they just crack on and make it happen.

I think the reason your head has been turned is because you're not getting what you need in your current relationship.

It may or may not work out with man 2. But you know for sure that your current one isn't working.

He's stalling for time and leading you on. You deserve better than this! I kicked out my exH aged 33 and spent 2 fabulous years single before I met my now DH of 10 years.

Move on. Try dating the other one. If it doesn't work out, move on. There are more than 2 men in the world, dont settle...take your pick...

I know if I say again I'm leaving, I will have to go this time, it's not fair to mess him like that.

Oh lovely, can you not see the irony in that statement?! What about him not being fair messing you around? Where's his consideration for you?

I never said he'd be a better match for me, I hardly know him. I understand if he's not ready, that's why I said I was leaving, but he told me he'd propose next year.

And my point was he's not ready yet, that is fine, but as a woman in my 30s I cannot wait around indefinitely, when he's already had years.