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Original poster

I really like a colleague but I'm not single

165 replies

Kelly099 · 24/11/2023 17:17

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

OP posts:
TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 25/11/2023 18:22

Do you rent or are your finances tied up in a mortgage?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/11/2023 18:31

So, you halve his living expenses until Miss Right comes along then?

Coffeeandchristmascake · 25/11/2023 18:32

I would move out op. You don't have to break up with him but just say that as you're not serious yet you feel uncomfortable a ting as though you are and want to take a step back. Why should he get all the perks of marriage without the commitment? Let him see what it's like not having you there all the time. You can live your life and if it's not meant to be it's less messy. It may be the push he needs, and if it's not he was never proposing anyway so it's stage 1 of the band aid coming off. Tbh it sounds like you have doubt about marrying him too.

Ragruggers · 25/11/2023 18:47

Why do you want to marry him?he is not interested in a life with you.You want to move he doesn’t you want a marriage he is not interested.What is the point of this.Why do you stay do you feel he is better than nothing and put up with this ?Move to the area you want and date other men,go on holiday live your life.Stop thinking about getting married and having babies.You are wasting your time with him move on and you will meet someone who cares about you.Be brave.

Original poster
Kelly099 · 25/11/2023 19:06

We rent, tenancy ends in Feb. If I moved out until then I would still pay half until it ends, it's only fair, then it's up to him what he does after that. I just really don't know anymore. I agree he's got the perks of marriage without the commitment and I told him that.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 25/11/2023 19:48

@Kelly099 every post you make I find myself thinking you are way too good for him and way too kind to him.
I personally don't think you owe him anything.

Original poster
Kelly099 · 25/11/2023 22:48

Thank you, I'm trying to find the courage to leave but it is killing me.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 27/11/2023 08:27

How are you @Kelly099 ?
I find your last post really sad. Hope you're ok. Flowers

Original poster
Kelly099 · 27/11/2023 09:33

I'm not great, but I'll be ok eventually, thanks for asking.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 27/11/2023 09:48

Well, keep us posted if you want to. It's easy to let a thread tail off, but there's continuing support if it's helpful.
Take care of yourself.

Original poster
Kelly099 · 27/11/2023 13:19

I've just read through the comments again and somebody has suggested I don't love him enough because I would consider leaving if he didn't want to marry me.. well surely you could say the same for him? And it's not just getting married, it's having children and buying a home. It doesn't mean I don't love him because I don't want to sacrifice everything when he won't commit. I really don't agree with that point of view, sorry.

OP posts:
Fernsfernsferns · 27/11/2023 13:45

Kelly099 · 27/11/2023 13:19

I've just read through the comments again and somebody has suggested I don't love him enough because I would consider leaving if he didn't want to marry me.. well surely you could say the same for him? And it's not just getting married, it's having children and buying a home. It doesn't mean I don't love him because I don't want to sacrifice everything when he won't commit. I really don't agree with that point of view, sorry.

You’ve mentioned a lot being worried about hurting him.

he's not worried about hurting you though, is he?

he’s stringing you along and running down your clock.

i get that he is scared and unsure but he is treating you unfairly.

i actually think marriage is also a risk - he could propose to keep you, and spin out several more years of your thirties in planning / saving for the the ‘right’ wedding and then wanting to ‘be married’ for a while before TTC.

if I were you I’d say ‘I don’t have confidence you want to commit so I’m leaving.’

when he begs you to stay if say ‘ok but we get married a the registry office as soon as we can book it and start TTC straight away.’

that will flush out whether it’s nerves he wants to overcome or if he’ll stall you forever

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 13:52

If you want to marry and have children then stop wasting your time on this current man who is never going to be or give you what you want. He is stringing you along for his own benefit and nothing more. He does not give a shiny shit about your needs, desires and wants. If you ultimatum him into marrying you when he doesn’t really want to it will only breed bitterness and resentment for both of you. And as a pp pointed out, he may propose and then string you along for years more wasting yet more of your time.

Hatty65 · 27/11/2023 14:06

Spend the next couple of months sorting out somewhere else to live in February. Get yourself organised - mentally and physically - and go.

He's wasting your time, and you want marriage and a family. Don't waste any more on him.

gannett · 27/11/2023 14:28

OP you've spent way too much time thinking about what he wants and what he'll do. Time to focus on what you want.

You want marriage and he's not giving it to you.
You want to live in a different location and he's refusing.
You want kids and you're not on the same page about that either.

As someone who doesn't want marriage or kids I completely understand why someone else might not want those things. But even if that's the case you owe it to your partner to be honest with them, not to feed them maybes. He's not giving you anything solid - no good reasons, no real timeframes - just bullshit. I think this has run its course and you know it.

redalex261 · 27/11/2023 14:53

Your crush is understandable, but a red herring. Your current partner is hedging his bets in case he doesn’t meet “the one” in the near future. Sadly, if he is not sure of this feelings a few years into his relationship with you it is likely you are are not “the one” for him, and he is likely to sod off when he realises this or meets someone else. By then you will have been a couple more years in limbo waiting for him to commit. It may actually be partly financial for him - could he afford to live in his current desired location as a singleton? Make a clean break - now. You want different things at present. Be single for a wee while and get your head straight.

5128gap · 27/11/2023 15:04

You should leave OP. He wants the relationship with you, but not the practicalities of marriage and children, while you want those things, but don't seem to be too fussed about the relationship with him. You couldn't be less aligned if you tried.

If I were you, I'd not be dismissing your crush. It's giving you an important message - that before you've even started on the real journey and challenges of life with your current partner, you're interested in someone else. I'm not criticising you for that, it happens. But when it does, its important to take heed. Somewhere along the way through his procrastination and dithering, your partner has lost your 100% commitment to him. Even if he proposed, you'd be mistaken to accept him now.

Toenailz · 27/11/2023 15:06

You said it yourself in your opening post, he's not ready to commit.

He's said he's planning to propose next year to stall you.

Maybe he would propose next year (I doubt it) but the fact is it's too little, too late for you. You're not happy waiting any longer, which is fair if you've been together years.

If you love him you can have a conversation with him, an open conversation where you issue an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be the registry office, but if he wants to do it his way, he needs to get a move on, in an agreed (ie, something you're comfortable with too) amount of time. Be prepared to walk if he can't agree/isn't comfortable with it.

Bare in mind if you're having this much trouble getting married, it's going to be the same or worse for kids.

I don't think this is your guy. And I think you're going to get your heart broken regarding the marriage. Everything you've told us he's said, tells us he's being pushed to do this and isn't comfortable with the idea.

MrFlibblesEyes · 27/11/2023 19:46

Have you been posting about this under other usernames as it sounds very familiar, the details are all pretty much exactly the same? How old is your boyfriend, because if you are the same poster (apologies if it's a coincidence) your boyfriend was only in his mid-late 20s which doesn't change the advice given, but goes someway to explain why he's not as ready to commit as you are. Regardless of this the advice remains the same, he doesn't want to marry you and have babies with you in the near future so it is time to cut ties and find someone who wants what you do now before you miss your chance!

PurplePansy05 · 27/11/2023 19:50

OP, your current partner doesn't sound like a husband and father material, he's not ready. You don't want to feel unsure about him later.

If I were you in my 30s, I'd cut my losses, leave him (it is for the best for you even if it's hard now) and I'd enjoy life best I can. If this leads you towards the other guy, give it a go, if not, move on.

PurplePansy05 · 27/11/2023 19:52

Also 50k joint income is low if you're considering a baby. It's not impossible but in this day and age it's actually not much above NMW level based on the latest figures. Having children is expensive and you are unlikely to be able to pick up overtime once you're a mum.

Quickredfox · 27/11/2023 19:55

Don’t let him talk you round this time or you’ll be doing the same dance around having children in a year or two. You’re allowed to want to be with someone who actively wants a life with you.

Original poster
Kelly099 · 27/11/2023 19:56

Some people will never reach over 50k simply because of the jobs they do. I just don't know what to do in that case. I'm completely lost.

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 27/11/2023 19:57

I think you should break up with your boyfriend and try seeing the guy you like - and maybe others. Start dating and having fun again.