I really like a colleague but I'm not single

[Kelly099]

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

No... he's stalling. Any man who is to lose someone he loves will marry them or commit...sooner than the date he said. Tbh if it was me, itd be straight away

There was a very similar post on Mumsnet a week ago. Very similar - living together for years, no committment whatsoever. Partner won't commit to TTC within the year, do I leave. Check it out becouse it could be you in 2 years.

That doesn't surprise me, this seems to be so common. I know if I leave he'll just say the same 'i was going to propose next year", and what if that's true?

If it is true then what you know is that he isn't prepared to flexible or to put your wants first. So he isn't going to be a easy life partner.

I voted yabu because I think you're wrong to think you can't leave this guy and then go date you're colleague. Why not! Sounds like you need some fun and someone to help make a fuss of you /remind you that you're a catch (if he likes you!).

I agree with the others that current bf sadly sounds like he's wasting your time. Don't sell yourself short love.

My best friend stayed with an awful man for 5.5 years. Then he dumped her for another woman. She was heartbroken. Fast forward 3 months and she is in a lovely new relationship. If this guy wanted to propose he would have done so by now. It seems to me (from your posts) you are gentle and caring soul who underestimates herself. If you don't have enough courage to force the issue this weekend, at least have some counselling sessions booked to help you work out the way forward. Better still, dump your BF and get yourself a nice outfit for the upcoming Christmas party. I honestly don't think you BF will propose next year.

Ask yourself 'why not propose now'? What enormous difference will a few months make? Nothing. That's what.

Actions speak louder than words. His actions say he doesn't want to marry you.

He is future faking. If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now

It’s entirely possible to be with someone a while before marriage and kids, but you need to both be on the same page.

He hasn’t engaged in a dialogue, he’s delaying you.

Stay but you’ll be back here in a year.

You’ve been together multiple years - what is going to change to make him ready?

Darling he should of been on his knee begging you to marry him then. Not some vague promise of a proposal next year. It is all about him and his needs. He cannot give you commitment. To a timeline of marriage and babies.

Also he views marriage as a loss of youth? So he feels like marrying you would be losing his youth? Romantic.

I understand the what ifs. If you don't meet someone else or he will suddenly magically turn into a man who is able to make decisions (which align with your wants).

Only you can control your life. Stop letting him rule it with his non-committal. The whole "proper" proposal thing is nonsense. What is a proper proposal? Surely two people declaring their love and decision to marry after a deep and meaningful conversation classes as a proposal. Would class it as very powerful myself. Both taking charge of the situation and relationship. Moving to the next step together. But he can't do this because he doesn't want to.

Your worth so much more xx

Or you've wasted another year and youll still not be any closer to being engaged. It's actually totally fine for him not to want to get married etc but it's not what you want and he's not being upfront. You shouldn't have to force someone to choose you

If he really wanted marriage he would have dropped to one knee as soon as you were going to go. Not a half arsed next year

And I never said you did say that. But it's clearly what you are eluding to- guy at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. Yeah on a superficial level. My postman is lovely, he might beat his wife every night but hes lovely to chat to for 5 mins at the door. You say you dont need a proposal and are happy with tjust the registry office. But he still hasnt proposed and you arent getting married. He doesnt want to get married at this moment in time. Which is it, the bloke at work is the one or your bf isnt ready for marriage quickly enough? You know you can end this relationship without setting up a new one first?

He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year

OP, seriously what are you doing?!

If he loved you he would have proposed the day he was begging you to not go.

Dump him.

Tell work guy you’re single.

I really hope in 6 months/a year/some point in the future, you're going to be in a really happy respectfully relationship with someone who thinks you're the bee's knees, and you look back and think, 'thank fuck I ended that '.

It's really harsh to hear, but ultimately you just don't mean all that to him otherwise he would be tripping over himself for you.

It's not your failing AT ALL.

Save yourself a lifetime of heartache/divorce/absent and resentful father to your kids. Just leave.
You don't need to make it about propsing. Just say it isn't working out for you anymore, and you wish him all the best with someone who makes him happy.

Absolutely don't prioritise his happy Christmas over your happy life. It's completely nuts. And if this is how you prioritise yourself in a relationship with him then I find it a major red flag on your relationship. A partner should build you up not get you to the point where you feel your own agency and emotions are secondary.

I know it's not easy. I was in a relationship like this in my 20s. I met DH at 29, he proposed after 3 months, married within a year of meeting. Have 3 DC and are very happy.
Your crush might mount to nothing, but your assessment of similar values is huge, that absolutely means everything in a successful relationship.

Good luck, keep us posted.

I would never set up a new relationship before ending a prior one and never have done. He isn't ready yet and that's fine, but the point is will he be ready ever? Maybe he has no intention of marrying me, I really have no idea. And yes, superficially, I barely know him, it's probably just a crush.

It’s up to you if you decide to leave. I will say that it sounds as though you are giving him wifely devotion without actually being his wife. You are fretting that you’ll wreck his Christmas? Stop.

From now on, you won’t be doing any wife work. His sister wants to know what to get him for Christmas? You haven’t the faintest, she’ll need to talk to him. You are expected to spend a dull weekend at his parents’? He’ll have to go on his own, you aren’t his wife and you have other things you’d rather do. You are offered a work placement that means spending half the week away? Take it! Your career is important.

I remember having several crushes at work right before i left my ex husband. I think I was looking around and noticing how much better I could really do in life.

Don't waste your life on this man. At 32 you have time to date, really take your time, find a good man. Wait until you're 35 and you'll be absolutely desperate which leads to bad bad decisions.

he ‘thinks’ you’re the one? After years of dating? This is not someone who is intending to spend the rest of his life with you.

He doesn’t want to cope with the upheaval of breaking up and the downsides of being single again, but he doesn’t want to commit, he’s just throwing you a few scraps to keep you hoping more is coming. I would leave.

Think about a year from now and then two scenarios- one where he’s reluctantly proposed and you’re trying to plan a wedding and wanting to feel all the excitement of that, but actually have that horrible deep down feeling that it isn’t right- and I guarantee he will come up with obstacles along the way. Or you’re out of there, either single or maybe in the early stages of a new exciting relationship with someone, with your whole life ahead of you.

Don’t let him string you along for another few years.

Very good advice

No, he’s never going to be ready. My dh proposed the first week we were together.

Men who are going to marry you don’t act like this.

Another thing is that we live in an expensive city, he absolutely refuses to budge about where we could live. He currently lives 1 mile from work, I live around 30 miles, luckily I am only in 2-3 times a week. We could get such better value housing by moving elsewhere, even in another city, just a (very slightly) smaller one, however he's just not willing to. I've no interest in living in this city anymore.
I know compromise is essential but he won't compromise on this, the proposal, etc.

We live in a studio flat which is expensive because of the area it's in. We could get a 2-bedroom property for the same price if not less, by moving.

So you basically have no say over how anything goes. Live where he says and wants to live. Wait for him to possibly be ready to propose. Nevermind the wedding date. Hang around hoping for a baby one day. All the big things in life he controls and you have no say other than waiting for him to possibly be ready one day...

The places I'm suggesting are literally 30-45 mins away, I'd understand if I were asking him to move to the other side of the world. That's how I feel ATM sadly.

Sounds like he doesn't want to break up because he doesn't want to pay expensive solo rent.
He doesn't listen to your needs and wants, and has you living in a small place and commuting 30 miles so he doesn't have to. Charming.
Do you pay for everything too? Get crap presents? Have to go along with his holiday choices? Etc