I really like a colleague but I'm not single

[Kelly099]

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

Leave him. Why wait any longer when you know that's what you're going to have to do eventually anyway. You deserve someone enthusiastic about a future with you.

If he wanted to propose, he could do it right this moment. No reason not to. He is stringing you along.

Why are you waiting for him to propose lovely?

The goal should be a wonderful satisfying mutually beneficial relationship, not an engagement dangled on a string like the proverbial carrot.

He's showing you very clearly hes not ready to commit, to YOU. I'm sorry. Don't waste more time on wondering what he feels, or wants. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have done it already. Talk is cheap, actions are what matter.

Go out there and find someone who DOES want to be with you.

This was me too. I had a shitty on-off boyfriend I finally kicked into the long grass when I was 31. Met my DH at 33, had our DD at 37.

You deserve so much more than you’ve settled for.

How old are you exactly?

I am 32.

I know you say you are in your 30s but which end? I wouldn’t wait a whole year for him to propose if that’s what he means either.

He's a horrible person. You are already in your 30s and living together for years you say. He def won't have kids with you and unlikely to marry you. Bit cuntish tbh. Dump him and ask the work guy out.

Kelly, your bf is a selfish shit. And every single one of my gut bacteria is telling me that his 'I was going to propose' excuse is BS. He's lying, and hedging his bets. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have dicked you around for so many years, using up your patience and fertility.

Oh cross post.

Right. So say you give it another year for him to propose, that'll make you 33. Then, presuming you leave when he doesn't, you'll be pushing 34. Still time to meet someone else and settle down and have the family you want, but if you left now, you'd have it a lot sooner.

Oh, Kwer. I'm so sorry.

Do you really want to marry someone who you've had to persuade to marry you?

@Treacletoots Can I ask you something,which I am going through by a message ?

I am on similar lines .

If you are okay.

What you said is right.

Kudos.

@Kwer That's really sad to read.

I just don't understand why he begged me not to go?

Because he has a cushy life and he wants that to continue. He is dangling the carrot that he may propose to keep the status quo.

I am sorry to be harsh OP but if he wanted to marry you, he would. Actions speak louder than words. He is future faking you, what is the difference in proposing next year, which is only a few months away, versus now? Nothing. He is stringing you along.

@Kwer makes a very good point and there are lots of men who act like they don’t actually want to be married or have kids.

You were desperate enough to pack and arrange to move out. Even that didn't make him commit. From the outside it couldn't be clearer that he is stringing you along. Don't waste another second on him. You can't afford to give him another of your few remaining fertile years. Move out now so you can both start 2024 afresh.

The man at work is irrelevant here. He's a crush. We all have crushes occasionally (even after decades of happy marriage). You've behaved impeccably , you haven't cheated or flirted at all so you have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to tell your current boyfriend about.

Get out now. Then your options are open. It might bring your current partner to his senses and he will pursue you, date you, propose and set a date but somehow I doubt it. I think it's more likely he'll start seeing the new colleague and marry her pretty damn quick.

You need to be free to date other people and find someone who wants the same things you do. One of those people might be your crush but you might also find that once you are free his allure fades!

Because until he meets someone else he still gets sex on tap and someone doing stuff around the house for him.

If he wanted to marry you , he would have set a date. He doesn't need to propose 'next year' it's bull.
Never mind about his Christmas, if you want children he's costing you time.

Kelly, I've been in your situation. Several times. You need to leave, and create space to be with someone who actually deserves you and wants you as half of a team - for life!

I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve.

This, but not in the way you think. Your actual partner is stringing you along, and you’re letting him. It’s not up to him to “keep you” or “let you go”. It’s up to you to take control of your own destiny and walk away from a relationship that is never going to be good enough.

And as others have said, the guy at work is a distraction. Work isn’t the right environment for a rebound fling. Download an app and work it out that way, don’t trash your work life on this.

I find your attitude of it'll ruin his Xmas when he's literally wasting your life quite ridiculous. Where's your rage? Fuck him deciding if you are worth it while living like you are married. How dare he? Where's your self worth? You should be angry not worrying about his Xmas, worry about your future!

He doesn't seem scared of hurting you by this constant vacillation, though

Oh, and btw- every single man I ever dumped said “but I was going to propose…” they’re just words. They cost nothing to say, and they mean nothing.