I really like a colleague but I'm not single

[Kelly099]

And I'm aware of how horrible this is. Fortunately I don't see him all the time due to hybrid working patterns, and I never communicate with him outside work, nor do I ever flirt in any way.
I've been in a relationship/living together for a few years now and I'm in my 30s, it's the usual story of he's not ready to commit.
We've had a few conversations about it over the last 1.5 years. I admit I tried to tie him down to a wedding date because I was sick of it all being so vague.
I asked him if I was his 'one' and he said 'I think so'. We also can't agree on the right circumstances to have children sadly. He doesn't think that 50k joint salary is sufficient, I do, and I'm doing a lot of overtime to save, we don't have a lot of debt etc.
Anyway after yet another conversation in which he'd changed his mind yet again and admitted his hesitancy, and after a week of insomnia and no appetite, I packed my bags and found another place to live.
It was so hard to get the words out and I felt like the biggest monster on the planet but I told him I had to leave. He was begging me not to go, and I said, please, I'm in my 30s, it's not fair to keep me if you're not 100% sure, please let me go.
He then told me he'd been planning to propose next year. He left for work and I had a day of thinking it over. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stayed. Things have been good between us but I'm scared he just said that to stall things. He says he wants to propose to me, I wasn't bothered about a proposal at all and would happily just book a registry office.
Anyway.. yeah, the bloke at work is lovely and seems to have similar values. He's aware I'm in a relationship and I know he's single atm (heard him tell someone).
I'll probably end up with neither man which will be what I deserve. I think affairs of any sort are horrid. Equally, I feel like it'd be rubbish of me to leave my partner and then tell this other guy I like him. You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm just scared that my current partner won't actually propose next year, and I feel so guilty about the other man even though nothing will happen. I'm so lost.

Who gives a fuck if you ruin his Christmas and make him upset, he’s literally wasting your life!! He has no intention of proposing and only said that to keep you hanging on. This other bloke is a red herring, disregard that for now, focus on the fact that your current relationship has no future and doesn’t give you what you want.

He isn't going to propose. He's keeping you around.

Nobody needs to WAIT to propose

Throw him back, you can do better OP

So you fancy a single work colleague, you’ve left your partner but gone back just incase he proposes next year? Why?
If he wants to marry you he doesn’t need to wait until next year to ask. He doesn’t want to get married.

You've all been very understanding and I appreciate it. He said his hesitation is because marriage seems so 'final' and it's like a 'loss of youth.'
I said that we've been living essentially as a married couple for years just without the title.

He's telling you how he feels and you really need to listen. To translate: he might want to marry at some point – but he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he'd have got down on one knee and begged you to marry him when you said you were going to leave.

How old are you, OP? Do you want children?

Really - sit down with your DP as soon as possible and ask a few straightforward questions like:
“Do you want to marry me?”
“If so, when?”
“When will we buy a ring and tell people?”

If you don’t get a positive answer and a quick and definite timetable, dump him. Your office crush might just be a crush or he might be a chance for long term happiness.

I got married in the 1970s. I sat with my partner and discussed whether we should get married and when. I am absolutely bewildered by all the threads of women, often in their thirties, waiting on long-term indecisive partners to propose. It seems like the clock has been wound back decades, or even centuries.

A 'loss of youth'?!?! Yeah he's an immature dickhead who doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.

End it now and move on, fuck his Christmas, he can go out and enjoy his youth.

Then see what you think of the work colleague once your options and your future is opened up again.

I just don't understand why he begged me not to go? He could very well meet another (probably younger) woman and won't have to worry about marriage for many years. He could've very easily said, I'm sorry it's not for me, we should end things.

It's time to move on. If he wanted to commit he would have. Find someone whose 100% in it with you. You deserve better

Sweetheart he's bullshitting you.
I sincerely (whilst fully understanding that this is your life and to be living it is not easy) suggest that you leave again, and turn a deaf ear to his pleas.
As for being upset that you might make him hurt before xmas - put yourself first, please don't worry about him, he'll be fine.
Give yourself the gift of hope and autonomy and see what happens.

@Kelly099 Does he want kids?

Did you check my post @Kelly099 ?

Much love,

JVD.

He's also worried what the 'expectations' of marriage are, but I told him it wouldn't be any different to now, except the official commitment and plus greater financial protection and so on when having children.

Sorry I must've missed it. He does, but not ready for them yet. He can't tell me when he will be, however I made it clear it would need to be in the next couple of years.

Maybe for the same reason my friends marriage lasted 2 months (been together years). She was desperate to get married and he eventually gave in because it was probably just easier than starting over again.

He didn’t even tell her she looked beautiful on their wedding day.

I'm so sorry for your poor friend.

He begged you not to go because it's an easy life for him. He's got all the perks of living with someone without having to make a serious commitment. He's having his cake and eating yours too.

But look, if you really need more proof that he's never going to propose, tell him that your head has been turned by someone else. You don't have to go into details, just say you've met someone and it's sparked something in you, and part of you wants to pursue it because you don't believe he's ever going to propose, because if he really loved you, he'd just do it. If that little speech doesn't make him drop to the floor on bended knee, nothing will!

Your current partner is saying whatever he thinks needs to be said to keep you dangling. He will almost certainly not propose next year, just postpone again. So right now you are in a stalemate - up to you to break it.

I just don't understand why he begged me not to go

He doesn't want you to go but he doesn't want to be fully committed either.

You've told him what you want, and why you want to be married sooner rather than later. And he's told you that he wants something else.

So essentially the problem you have is that he isn't interested in what you want. He's prioritising what he wants, even knowing that you're unhappy.

Leave.

To be honest, I deeply feel that mixed signals are always negative signals.

How is sexual intimacy going on?

Sometimes men show their true colours in bed.

We women have that advantage of finding the signs.

If he is not clear on his commitment to you,he will never be sure of his commitment to you becoming a mother.

He looks like a lost wanderer in the Masaai Maara Jungle.

I don't feel that I could tell him that. I know attraction to others is normal and he's surely had it too, but I don't think I could bring myself to tell him about that.

The sexual intimacy seems ok, no changes really. He went out with a female colleague drinking until 2am (just recently started working with her). He does have platonic female friends so was likely nothing, but who knows.

Why not? He doesn't care about trampling over your feelings.

Okay.

The last question is - amidst of all this chaos, how is sexual intimacy?

The last dot,is like a dessert to the entire feast.

Sometimes,they reveal somethings, other aspects of relationship won't reveal.

Personally I have experienced this.

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did - he would.
He's wanting to keep you hanging on.
Probably until it's too late for you to have children.
Then he'll leave for someone ten years younger and six months after that she'll be pregnant and they'll be married.

Don't let him waste your life.

"Seems okay " Do you feel not happy ?

You are not tied to him @Kelly099 .

Who takes the initiative?

It looks like for him,being with you is like having housemaid to do all household chores.