Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

There's a lack of respect and care for your DD too. Their behaviour not only put her in a risky situation with SIL but they're also hurting her emotionally with the way they're treating her. I'd be telling MIL if she can't focus on DD when she visits then she's not welcome in my home again. Your DD needs to be protected from all of this.

Well done again @jumpingjackrabbit , although having read the stately homes thread, I wouldn't be surprised if there is soon an escalation of sil drama and something 'big' happens to coerce dh back to help and lays guilt on you to support/feel sorry for MIL.

Well done! I know it's dismaying and hard to come to terms with but this is the most healthy stance.

When people start trying to negotiate their way around dysfunction, they've already taken one step into the maze. The solution is stay clear of the maze.

Also, the passive aggression and the disparaging comments you've received - it's all part of what comes with the circus. You'll feel much healthier and happier now you've realised your position, held your own power, and made a decision not to try and engage with the crazymakers.

a message for JFT…
thank you for your input. Op probably needs to see your points, as they are so helpful and clarifying.
but although this is not my thread, I want you to know your words are helping me through something really difficult and painful I’m going through with my own family right now.
thank you.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre I haven't read this thread. Is there any chance you could put a link to it? Please?

Why all the secrecy over that?

I'd have told MIL and BIL to go home if they insisted on being so rude to me & DD in my own home.

@DollyPartonsLeftTit there are many many of them! Here's a recentish one! https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4902615-september-2023-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

@WhereIsBebèsChambre Many, many thanks! 🙃

@jumpingjackrabbit how does BIL behave towards you?

The overt stuff seems to all be from females, SIL MIL and an aunt at the christening. Is this some territorial thing?

@jumpingjackrabbit
Wait, your SIL tried to coerce 20K from your DH? Without involving you in the decision? No wonder she keeps up with the "Your family and roots" crap.
Why did she "need/want" the money? PLEASE tell me your WDH did not give it to her.
Your WDH's family is a perfect example of dysfunction and how there is nothing "fun" about it. You are wise to stay far, far away. The way they make digs at you and try to turn it into humor shows the utter disregard and disrespect they have for you AND your DD.

Did DH ever tell you what's going on with SIL?

I'd be not only taking Xmas off the table, I'd be retreating with DD from his whole family. They sounds batshit, selfish and pathetic.

@StaunchMomma yes, her EXH wants to have their kid an extra night a month.

@Nanaof1 no, we most certainly did not cough up £20k. DH told her that she was not his priority and his priority was myself and DD and she should look at properties within her budget. I made it very clear that I was appalled at this request.

@YesIDoJudge I know! Even MIL said it was "ridiculous," but still embraced the drama surrounding it.

@JFT sound advice. Thank you.

@SummerPeach Sorry you're experiencing your own difficulties. I hope all is okay.

I’m sure other people have said this, but your problem here is your husband, not your MIL.

yes, her EXH wants to have their kid an extra night a month.

If that caused all this bullshit there is no way on earth I'd be spending Christmas with these people. And I'd tell them I wouldn't want our presence distracting from the SIL show. But I'm not adverse to a bit of conflict.

That means a lot thank you.
and the same to you.
families can be A LOT.
don’t get me started on my own in-laws.
deary me!
I think this time of year adds a little bit more stress and anxiety too when there is dysfunction.
There is suddenly so much expectation and the stress and pressure and the forced jollity and good cheer and generosity. I love Christmas, we went away for Christmas last year it was the best Christmas we’ve ever had!! No expectation to see anyone and the whole week was all just focused on the 5 of us.
proper quality time. And no anxiety.
Thinking of anyone struggling with all the drama right now, it’s not easy at all. Sending all my empathy. Thinking of you and your DD who clearly has the most wonderful mother.

@SummerPeach this time of the year certainly adds much more pressure. There are way too many expectations and we feel disappointed if these expectations fall short. My DH's family like Christmas to be like it was in the 80s, but I've been a bit of a rebel pointing out that they need to move on and have a 21st Christmas. It is hard to have to share the day with somebody or people who just make you feel miserable and put your down. Is getting away again this year not an option for you?

Why does MIL keep picking up when SIL rings? When my phone rings and I don’t want to speak to the person who has rung or it’s an inconvenient time, I don’t pick up. I don’t understand why people drop everything and say ‘Oh no!’ Then pick up… 🤷‍♀️

@Ilovecleaning I think MIL continues to pick up because she loves her daughter and there is the fear something bad will happen if she is not there to console/help her. Which is an awful situation. It's easier for someone with less familial ties to take the chance that nothing bad will happen if the phone goes unanswered. However, realistically, MIL can't be there always / forever to answer so SIL needs to be encouraged not to lean so heavily on MIL. Not an easy task, though. And I don't blame OP for wanting a better solution for everyone involved.

@Ilovecleaning because part of her enjoys playing this role of being needed and the other part is she has enabled this behaviour and has become the emotional crutch and is now being held hostage to all of this. It is a sad state of affairs.

Yes, I think you’re right. When DH and I first met his DD ( age 30+ and a pain) would ring frequently when we were away for a weekend or an overnighter. He would leap to the phone every time until I said I’d had enough. I told him not to pick up but to ring her later at a more convenient time. He did eventually.

You’re right and I agree, but the picking up has got to stop otherwise things will never get better. Had a similar problem years ago with DHs adult PITA DD until I convinced him to stop l leaping to the phone. Things did improve 😊

I think it's a balance we all have to find as parents. My Dad still offers unsolicited advice and obviously worries and I'm in my 50s 😁. I have to be careful telling him about anything that has broken or gone wrong. And myself, I'm having to let go and let my DC solve their own problems and they're at university. I do engage with their message and phone calls as much as pos but always remind them it's only ever 'best endeavours' as I'm not perfect myself. 😁

I have seen, through a family friend, how this sort of thing eventually devolves.

The DD, whose mother can't, EVER, leave her to manage her own problems, now sits down all day on her phone, while her mother cleans her house, does her gardening and cooks her meals. The DD has learned helplessness to the max, having been taught that mother always knows best and that she can't possibly manage without her mother. All started because mother couldn't cope with her child growing up and being independent and mother no longer being needed. So she cultivated her DD to not be able to function without her opinion and help.

DD lives in her own home, close to her mother, who is round there every day 'helping' and won't go away too far or for too long in case her DD needs her. Well, of course her DD now needs her all the time, because she doesn't want to clean her own house or cook her own dinner.

And mother has no life because between managing her own home and her DDs home, she's exhausted and loves to complain about 'all the work'.

Perfect description of this dysfunctional family.

Bingo! agree this is a very likely scenario as I'm reading down the thread, I got the exact same vibe.