Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

@MayThe4th yep, this is what I was trying to say in my post. You put it much clearer here

Your DH needs to ask MIL what the current problem is and why it can't wait until MIL is back? Then you'll know whether it's a real crisis or something SIL has manufactured because her MIL is not on call for her. SIL sounds very needy and MIL must be worn out with dealing with it.
If the issue is likely to still be around at Xmas I'd swerve a xmas get together as it sounds messy, and not very festive!

Oh give it a rest. Being a victim doesn’t give you the right to transmit your pain onto everyone around you and disrupt everyone’s lives. You have a responsibility to work on yourself, with support from family and friends but not to make them walk around on eggshells.

Where's the ops request for tiptoes?
She's pragmatically stated if sil is not in the right place, they won't come for Christmas, given last time she was like this it was a miserable time for all.
@jumpingjackrabbit if you can disengage with the drama, it sounds like whatever happens she'll need attention and create drama

Exactly. Calling so often is very over the top. If she was genuinely suicidal or struggling to that extent then they should have prosponed the trip.

She's obviously got a lot going on but it not even been 24 hours and she's called multiple times for a prolonged period of time. It's rude to spend the little time they have with distant family answering SILs calls and I can imagine Christmas will be more for the same if they make the effort to travel to MILs.

I think the kind thing to do would be to encourage your MIL to come to you for Xmas on her own. It sounds like she could do with the break.

How exhausting must this be for your MIL? Is SIL like this at home, constantly ringing & texting?

They both need help. One to deal with their own emotions in a healthy way, and the other to reclaim their life. Has SIL.sought professional help?

Your DH is well within his rights to be pissed off that his very limited time to see his mum and for her to bond with her GD is being sucked up by someone who clearly dominates his Mum's time & energy on a regular basis.

My sister is like this every time my mum visits me, constant phonecalls and drama. Some people are just dramatic, MiL needs to put her phone on silent and leave it in another room, it's the only way to deal with someone like this.

So weirdly written. Hard to work out where or who the protagonists are. If SIL is the daughter of MIL then I don't think you can ask MIL to ignore her calls.

If the grand daughter MIL is visiting (who lives the standard John O' Groats distance away) is the OPs little girl then try to imagine your little girl being in need and ringing you up, while your DIL tuts about how much attention you give her.

OP ignore the “I don’t understand” comments, your post was clear from the start

You are not asking for constant attention, you are wanting you SIL to respect her mother’s time and for her to spend time with wider family that is not her, for a couple of days. Not an unreasonable request

The MIL is being slightly unreasonable by not putting her foot down and saying “look Jane I am with Dan and Sarah for the weekend, we can catch up when I am back”. If she keeps putting up with SIL drama outbursts then nothing is ever going to change

you're Not wrong to not want to go there at Christmas.. that’s entirely up to you what you do with your time.

but..

why on earth do you and DH not know, or want to know, what’s going on with SIL? Does your DH not give a shit that his sister is going through a really hard time? A bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss, maybe your MIL feels responsible for SIL emotional well-being, because no one else in the family seems to give a toss?

bizarre.

Indeed. I'm always surprised when people say something is hard to comprehend it was very clear who was who and where everyone was in your post.

You've hit the nail on the head with your comment that if she keeps answering the SIL will keep calling. She needs to put her foot down or nothing is going to change.

@sandyhappypeople given that everyone has spent hours on the phone with the sil today, she got to fully dominate last Christmas and seems to spend all the time at home dominating her mothers time, why do you think 'no-one gives a toss'?
Unless you mean sil should always be the only focus of the entire family, and not jumping to respond to her, or spending time with someone else= not giving a toss?

What's MIL's view? Is she happy to support SIL or does she need some help withdrawing a little?

I think you wrote a post about your sil visiting/staying with you earlier this year and your mil calling you afterwards to complain sil hadn't felt supported by you and dh??

The woman obviously has emotional wellbeing issues, exacerbated by mil walking on eggshells around her and feeling the need to be there 23/7 for her. I feel for them both to some extent. However, I would spending christmas there for your own sanity. Until the cycle is broken (which is unlikely) I'm afraid your dh and dd are always going to come second.

I'm not unsympathetic, but it is the same thing and has been the same thing for the past 3 years. If there is other stuff going on, I won't be privy to it. I never am. I am not part of the inner circle and married into the family. I'd rather not know what the drama is to be honest because sometimes it is just better not to know and not to get involved. What I do mind, however, is DD has been so excited for her grandma to visit that her quality time is being taken away from her. Perhaps I am being selfish, but after a jolly miserableChristmas I'd rather not put it on repeat.

Mr Viper has a friend like that.

His two adult kids are on the phone to him almost constantly when he goes out for a meal/ pint. Both have partners and families, but . . .

It's either some drama, or ringing for a "catch-up" (having not spoken to him for 3 minutes), or texting a joke they've found on the internet, or can he pick up X from the shops for them if he thinks on about it tomorrow, or "you'll never guess what the dog has done" - it's a PITA.

Mr Viper suggested that he turn his phone off for the two hours they are having a pint - "But what if there's an emergency?" Meanwhile, on his non-nights out, he complains that he sits in the house on his own (he's divorced) and has no-one to speak to. If he rings them, they're busy with the kids and don't have time.

It's definitely a method of control.

If SIL is the daughter of MIL
She is

If the grand daughter MIL is visiting (who lives the standard John O' Groats distance away) is the OPs little girl
She is.

Both of these relationships were perfectly clearly set out.

I think it’s absolutely fine to decide that you don’t want the burden of other people’s MH problems. That’s not unsympathetic. I think messaging in recent years about ‘help each other’ can result in going too far. I’ve been someone’s crutch for MH issues. It’s fucking draining - and if I ever, ever made any comments about MY state of mind it just got circled back round to then again.

That doesn’t sound like a fun Christmas.

As much as you can feel sorry for someone having a hard time there is a point when it’s enough. My SIL dominated every family get together with the woes about her love life. The times of huge extended family get togethers are over as people fell out over an inheritance. But I remember one where she had us all up till 4am wailing like a banshee on Boxing Day night. All the adult women her Mum, myself, her two Aunts and her two cousins plus DH was there as the solitary male as the rest had gone to bed and I have never seen him look so bewildered as at that time.

Does SIL have children?

Mr Viper. I'm dying, @Emotionalsupportviper - thanks for making me laugh this morning!

Yes, SIL has 1 child. 12 years old.

Your posts are all perfectly clear OP. I really sympathise with your situation and I do sympathise with your MIL too. She should be able to have clearer boundaries but it’s very hard when it’s her daughter, sounds like a codependent relationship between them (sorry for the armchair psychology). You were not wrong to suggest to MIL that a Christmas visit might not work if things are this bad with SIL right now.

You and your husband can choose to spend Christmas how you like, if being with SIL is exhausting then absolutely don't do it.

What I do mind, however, is DD has been so excited for her grandma to visit that her quality time is being taken away from her. Perhaps I am being selfish, but after a jolly miserable Christmas I'd rather not put it on repeat.

It's not selfish at all and of course you're disappointed that your daughter and husband's very brief amount of time with MIL is being dominated by SILs drama. I definitely wouldn't be going for Christmas it will be much harder to shield your daughter from the drama in person than it is over the phone.

Out of curiosity what happens if you suggest she turn her phone off for a bit and actually be present in the moment?