Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

@jumpingjackrabbit that's absolutely outrageous and out of order.

Since these issues have emerged, you have things to confront within your relationship so it seems. Your personal safety and wellbeing and that of your small child are paramount, as you know.

but op did he apologise for whispering with his family in your own home

100% this - imagine what this circus is like on its own territory if this is how it behaves in other people's homes?

Oh bore off, plenty of us have got our own mental health problems but we don't hold hostages.

Omg, what a loser. Sil sounds like an ass

Huddled over your table discussing SIL among themselves but excluding you from the conversation in your own home is downright rude. SIL sounds like a drama Queen, jealous of any attention not directed at her, she makes sure that attention directed back at her by creating a drama out of a normal request by her ex.

@Daffodilsandtuplips precisely. This is drama is likely to still be lingering at Christmas so I just don't want any part of it. My focus is DD and having a HAPPY and HEALTHY Christmas. I do want to speak to MIL though as she also failed to tell DH how unwell SIL was when she came down in the summer. We let her take DD out for days on her own. DD wants a sleepover at SIL's house at Christmas, but I've already said to MIL that this would 100% not be happening. The whole thing is just a complete farce.

SIL should have zero unsupervised time with your DD. Be glad that this recent visit has revealed this and allows you to keep DD safer going forward. Any sleepovers or the like would either compromise your DD directly or her relationship with you - which is still harmful to her but could take longer to emerge because it would involve the same secrecy as the shenanigans this weekend.

I know it may be too early to see it this way yet because you’re human and it seemed so personal (yet isn’t really) but what was revealed to you during this visit is a true gift

Oh and forget trying to appeal to MIL here. She’s just not available for a healthy grandparent/grandchild relationship at this time. It’s excruciating, I know. But it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

Sounds harsh, but I’m only saying it because I’ve been where you are now. I sooo wanted my DC to have what I had with my GM

OP, it abundantly clear that your daughter is absolutely collateral damage in all of this.

I never understand on MN why posters desperately persue relationships for their children with people whom have little regard real for them.

Your husband has allowed you to be hugely disrespected in your home, and has participated in this disrespect of you.

Your SIL has serious MH issues and yet was given the sole care of your child.

I can't believe the disregard for a small child.

You need to find your steel and keep your child safe from them all.

I wouldn't be going near them for Christmas and I would be taking a good hard look at what you married and his complete lack of respect for you in your own home.

What @billy1966 has put it's ridiculous members of your family (well your husbands) knew sil was unwell, or at least are saying she is in order to excuse her behaviour yet were willing to use dd as collateral damage to placate/entertain/distract sil!

Part of the problem is DH didn't see it as an issue and just rolled his eyes when he told me as to say here we go again with SIL. To be fair to him, I think he is just as exacerbated with it all too.

I think what really came to light this weekend is the lack of respect shown to me over the summer by allowing SIL to come and stay and care for my child. I am fuming about this and I don't think I will ever forgive them for this. Any relationship SIL or I may have had, is now not salvageable as her visit was incredibly difficult and awkward and I never want to be made to feel like that again in my own home.

MIL has been home now for 24 hours and no message to say sorry for the drama of the weekend. Any communication now can come via DH. I am literally done.

Agree with @billy1966 and @WhereIsBebèsChambre

Collateral damage is the expression. Your MIL could have had the wake up call when a little girl asked why she was always on the phone, but now, MIL chose SIL again.

@jumpingjackrabbit definitely have a word with MIL and be clear that there won't be any visits/overnights or indeed invitations for any of them after what you have just been put through. Tell your H too that this ends now and that you won't allow DD to be treated so poorly by the adults in her life, nor will you sit by while secret conversations are being held at your kitchen table.

They should all be very ashamed of themselves.

Hold steady with your view @jumpingjackrabbit I can imagine the guilting from mil to commence at some point like some of the self centred stuff here
"You're sooo uncaaaring/what was she meant to doooo/imagine it was your little girrrlll" wailing etc.
They (inc dh) have made it clear you have no part to play in their shit, well, as they wish. Neither will dd!

OP, your DH is not simply a passive victim here, he is part of the problem. I think you need to wake up to that.

I think you need to make it clear to your DH that you will no longer put up with any nonsense that is coming from his side of the family. If MiL is to visit again, she gets reminded that she is here to see his part of the family, including your DD and that she leaves SiL and BiL and their issues at the door. If SiL wants to phone, she gets 1 hr with MiL. SiL needs to find a therapist as someone else upthread suggested her mental health will play into her ex-husband's hands in relation to their child(ren).

But all of this needs to come from your DH to his mum, his sister and anyone related to them.

You will have to take a massive step back (with your DD) and let this all play out.

. SiL needs to find a therapist as someone else upthread suggested her mental health will play into her ex-husband's hands in relation to their child(ren).
Maybe rightly so if she's currently as unwell as her family are saying she is, until she's well again? Or do people think the sil's dd should be collateral damage in the sil's me show as well?

Part of the problem is DH didn't see it as an issue and just rolled his eyes when he told me as to say here we go again with SIL.
It might be an idea to have a sit-down chat with him about MIL's and SIL's behaviour. He needs to work out where his loyalties lie. It is time to re-define his family: is he primarily son / brother or is he husband / father? Because, unfortunately, this set-up means that he can't be all. He has to make a choice.

This is so true. And OP, you aren’t making him choose, they are. Their behavior, including MIL’s, has sent a clear message that they expect everyone and everything to revolve around SIL, with no regard for your DD or you. MIL’s lack of involvement with DD, when that was the point of her visit, shows that you need to protect DD from the lot of them. Set boundaries with your DH and let him deal with his relatives, as long as is doesn’t involve or interfere with your DD or you.

All that the op can really do is say no your mum cannot stay. She ignored our daughter nonstop and upset her, I won’t have that in my house. She was also extremely rude to me along with you, and I won’t have that in the house anymore. If you insisted on some basic manners and concern for dd it would have been manageable but you didn’t, it’s not, and she can’t stay.

it would be a mistake to say she can stay but she has to stay off her phone and you may not have secret discussions in front of me… it just won’t happen. The op needs to establish any visits are only happening if these are the rules, and refuse visits for the next year to make it clear to Dh that this isn’t a joke and she and their child are not going to be treated like this.

DH def needs to confirm that his loyalties are with you, DD, and sanity itself.

I understand he may feel weary of it all and also maybe that he's slightly betraying his family of origin when speaking about them but he has to make a declaration of allegiance.

I wouldn't provoke MIL and co by making any strong statements, just keep them at arms length and if pressed say you're 'not up to' visiting for xmas or 'got other commitments to attend to' or suchlike. Grey rock.

I'd suggest that any future visits are 'controlled experiments' and involve neither party staying at each other's homes, just a visit for a few hours or days out. Stay in hotels.

I'm not going to appeal or reach out to any of them. I will leave DH to navigate his family. After this weekend, it highlighted just how much of an outside DD and I are. I have no interest in being part of this circus with SIL and I also have no desire to want to spend any "quality" time with her following the dramatics over the weekend. I am literally done. I've had years of comments directed at me which were dressed up as "humour" when the reality was they were digs. Comments around how upset the in-laws were that DD looked like me and even at her Christening, one aunt coming over and saying oh dear she does look like you and to not say that in front of PIL. Being told I looked like a corpse when I was dressed up and thought I looked nice for a Christmas party, being told I didn't understand mens needs etc. It goes on. When challenged, all I ever get back is I am a soft southerner and don't get their sense of humour! I will be polite and I will be civil but I won't be sharing anything about us as a family now going forward.

Sounds like you've put up with too much for too long OP. To be honest, even polite and civil would be too much for me after all this. I'd cut them out completely.

That's good, OP. Putting boundaries in place. Just make sure that DH is on the same page.
What tricks do you think that they will come up with if they see DH trying to break free? If you give him advance warning then it will help him to see the drama for what it is and avoid being reeled back in.

@senua I think DH deep down gets it, especially in relation to SIL. For him he was astounded when she asked just him if she could have £20k of our savings. No message or request made to me. Our visits up have become less and less since DD started school. Any opportunity on the family WhatsAPp chat SIL is always reminding DH to remember his roots and where he comes from and who his family are, but we are happy, have a good life together and after this weekend I think he is glad he is just away from it all. He is in agreement that SIL is not to have any unsupervised time with DD given her mental state so he does get it, but hard to admit that when it HIS family.