Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

You need to advise MIL that the more she panders to the drama the more it will happen. She needs to miss a couple of calls every so often. Just not be so available. Sounds like shes her own worse enemy.

That sounds fucking exhausting. Ops home to be used as a wailing wall for sil and the entire focus to be only on her and how everyone needs to pull together and focus on her?

I can't believe your dh! Who keeps secrets from their dw?

You have a husband problem. Why is he facilitating these private conversations in your own home and alienating you from them. He is very disrespectful to you. That’s clearly why MIL has no respect for you.

Apologies, if that seems really blunt or upsetting but it’s completely unacceptable how you’re being treated. I hope you’re okay.

Wow rock on! Well done you!

I'd be effing furious if this happened to me and I'd be saying don't use my home, my sanctuary, and my family safe space as the next location for the filming of your family's travelling circus. Pack up your props and re-locate elsewhere.

Also the whole 'we can't tell you' thing. Yep. That whole exclusion and ownership of information bollox - it's all part of the drama and language and currency of histrionic people who live on the drama triangle. Don't actually want to know, don't care, just stop, make it go away.

If I were you, I'd be going nowhere near them for Christmas. I'd be asking your other half 'have they always been like this'? 'is this how you grew up?' and making contingency plans for having a highly theatrical branch of family whilst not wanting to purchase a seat at the latest show or god forbid being dragged on stage as an unwitting bit part player.

I recommend researching 'Games People Play' E Berne and I'm OK You're OK and Transactional Analysis and the drama triangle. With a view to not accidentally being anywhere in the game.

MiL and to be frank your husband have behaved awfully. The writing is very much on the wall.

You have to protect your daughter here. If she was looking forward to seeing her grandmother and instead had nothing but a figure talking into the phone for over six hours, all hush hush but 'no crisis' - there's not much of a relationship going on and your daughter might be very disappointed.

Again, your husband has behaved really badly here, shutting you out like this and allowing his daughter to be shut out too.

I know - I’m so sad for op’s daughter :(

@MidnightOnceMore Your SIL is depressed and the victim of harassment from her ex. Your MIL is presumably affected by this difficult situation.

It'd be better for your SIL and MIL not to have to tiptoe round you perhaps.
Being depressed doesn't absolve you from behaving either way civility to other people. OP has said SIL is horrible to her. Sympathy doesn't extend to being a doormat

I think this too. These are sick and dysfunctional people. It's a family dis-ease as they say. Daughter needs keeping safe from thinking any of this is normal. Also, hate to say it but Xmas is already ruined, it's done and dusted. Any time spent will be wasted time. Might as well book a beach holiday overseas and have fun or go skiing or hey just stay home and be nice and civil to one another for starts. Imagine.

What utter bs from the mil. Clearly the dh hasn't told her and if mil thinks it's OK she can tell her herself. Weird family. I'd call them all out or go low / no contact.

Curiosity about what's going on is the weak spot for an average sane and rational person. Never be curious about what's going on with highly dramatic and histrionic people is my best advice. Even cults use 'curiosity' as their final selling point to resistant potential recruits. They say well just come and see our presentation, you might find something of interest. And then the open minded, liberal, fair person says huh OK well let's go looksee what all this is about. False move. No. Stay ignorant. There's nothing you need to know. Ever.

In this situation, I'd be like 'I don't want to know what's going on but on a need to know basis if there's something that's about to affect me, my home, my family, my business, my income, then I'd expect to be notified, thank you kindly'.

Make no mistake, OP, the reason you aren’t being told what’s going on is because the carry on is over absolutely nothing and if you know that for certain, you would be able to challenge you SIL on her behaviour. The reason I know this is that I’ve been stuck in this position with my SIL more times than I can count over the years - creating whatever drama is needed to ensure that all the attention remains on her, all the time, no matter what is going on in our lives.
Take a firm stance on Christmas. There is nothing you will do to change her behaviour but you can protect your DD from the carry on and being made to feel like a permanent afterthought.

that is true. Ignorance is bliss.
if it were me, I would want to know so that I could perhaps contribute to finding a solution.
and try and understand why this is enough of a priority that it gets placed above time with op’s daughter who she has not had quality time with in 3 years!

Who keeps secrets from their dw?

Men who don't have unreasonably controlling wives maybe? The use of the word 'secret' implies wrong doing, maybe the use of private or confidential would be better. I certainly kept some things from my now late OH for a variety of reasons.

I think MIL, BIL and your DH are being incredibly rude and disrespectful. Who goes visiting and ignores their host/in laws and their grandchild/necessary to anything like this degree?

I wouldn't go visiting at Christmas, they could enjoy their nonsense in peace. Dicks.

Nail on the head. Excellent advice.

Oh I agree, who wouldn't want to know and who wouldn't want a solution? But it's the achilles heel of the sane right minded person. Then you're 'in' the game and game has its own rules that you don't know and the rules are designed to render you impotent and powerless at all turns. Then you're a prop on the stage of crazymaking. The game is designed to perpetuate the drama at all cost. Just like EastEnders has three episodes per week since 20 years ago and there's gonna be 20 years more to come.

The only way OP could be assured this isn't the permanent 'language' and style of the family is if her DH were to say my gosh I don't know what's going on here but they've never been like this before, I'm really unsettled, and it's very serious and unusual and quite frankly everyone's acting out of character, they're not normally like this I can assure you. Until those words get said, I'm gona say this travelling circus bring their mobile phones and their secret conversations and their locking selves in conference in the kitchen to every place they go. How boring.

after all the updates, you do not have a SIL problem, you have a massive MIL problem, I hope you give your DH a round of fucks about his behaviour too, how utterly disrespectful.

selfishness definitely runs in their family.

Interesting. So it’s all about identifying patterns.

If a whole bunch of family members (including my husband) were shutting themselves in a room in my house for a long chat about another family member's drama and then refusing to do me the courtesy of telling me what it is about, then I would be absolutely livid.

Absolutely no way on earth I would put up with this BS in my home, or my DH colluding in excluding me from conversations and keeping secrets. It's beyond rude and disrespectful. I would go nuclear, and tell all three of them that if they ever behaved like this in my house again, all three would never be under the same roof with me again. Never mind what the whole ridiculous drama is about, focus on this disgraceful behaviour, OP, and make it clear you won't tolerate it in future.

Then MIL will have to be mature enough to deal with the consequences; which in this case, will be not spending Christmas with OP's family. Then SIL can have all the attention, all the time, and OP's family can celebrate the holiday the way it should be celebrated.

Gosh, me too !!!!
like livid livid.

more I think about it, the more I think mil is massively at fault and making the situation loads harder than it ever needed to be.
im sure she’s not doing it on purpose - hopefully!!!!!!!! But still completely unacceptable.

Because blocking that person (EX), ignoring that person (EX) and deciding that one person is not going to run/ruin my behavior (EX) is above the capacity of the SIL?
Sorry, but it sounds to me like the SIL enjoys the drama and abuse or she would have stopped it. He's an EX, block and ignore.

Dear me agree with everyone else. Flipping cheek! My in laws are mildly annoying but this thread makes me appreciate my low key non dramatic SIL.