Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

@Familyvalues80 absolutely this. It is v tough as I'm obviously the outsider. I'm happy to remain the outsider if it means I'm not tangled up with the drama.

@jumpingjackrabbit yes I think that’s the right attitude to take, I wore my heart on my sleeve and ended up getting hurt. Good luck with it all x

Does SIL have an issue with you OP? Your recent update about her visit to you earlier this year would suggest yes she does. Do you know what this might be?

I wouldn't be able to just accept their behaviour and would be asking DH to tell me exactly what's going on and why SIL is in constant contact. They've all been extremely rude.

Its unbelievably rude to be excluding you and having hushed whispered conversations in your own home- thats rude AF.

I suspect the reason they arent telling you what it is , is because they all admit its "ridiculous" and are therefore too embarrassed to admit she's making a huge drama out of nothing.

Do NOT go up there for Christmas, the entire stay you'll be relegated alone to the lounge whilst they all have drama llama hushed conversations in another room excluding you yet again. It will be a miserable christmas where yet again, you are made to feel like an outsider and as if your time (and your DD) isnt important or valuable. You cannot control their behaviour but you absolutely do not have to engage with it. You know exactly how Christmas will go if you do go up. I would be drawing this line loud and clear now. Actions have consequences and they have shown they dont give a toss about your feelings or that of your DD. Let them make their choices and you can make your choices too as a result.

@Projectme yes, I think so. She once said to me did I know men have sexual needs as it was obvs her brother (DH) was frustrated in this department and I should be upstairs with him seimging from the chandeliers. That was a turning point for me.

She sounds completely unhinged- bit weird she's giving you marriage advice when hers crumbled isnt it? besides, who comments on their brother's sex life to their wife?

WTAF- this is utterly bonkers

@walkingintothefuture I know. Overstepped the mark there.

I wouldn't be going for Christmas.
I would tell MIL you will be stay at home as your DD doesn't understand all the drama, and Sil obviously still needs a lot of support . Christmas for your DD shouldn't be overshadowed by an attention seeking adult.

I hope you told her to sod off with her marriage guidance!! How bloody rude is she?!

I'd definitely be demanding to be told everything now. Otherwise DH can leave with his own mother and brother today!

Poor MIL! Sounds like she needs to accidentally leave her phone at yours and go out for the day with you. It sounds very draining

What has been your DH’s reaction to your upset daughter?

When they have left I would be having serious words with him that this never happens again. You will not be made to feel like a stranger in your own home and most importantly nobody makes your DD feel insignificant in her home (or anywhere actually)

You have put up with MIL, BIL and DH having secret conferences about SIL; you are not invited to these conferences because of confidentiality about a non-issue.. Yet the woman herself seems to have no trouble over-sharing.
It doesn't square up.

@jumpingjackrabbit Your poor daughter.

Is there any point in calmly but clearly pointing out to your MiL just how upset your daughter is? if she can't hear for herself. And how you had hoped to see more of her yourself, and that it has been difficult to be excluded from so much of what's going on for so long each day, in your own home.

No obligation to answer at all of course, but out of curiosity and some sympathy for your poor daughter do you have plans to tackle this with your husband/MiL?

Yep- so SIL's business is apparently shrouded in confidentiality and yet she feels she has the right to lecture you about your sex life? why is her privacy to be respected and yet you apparently deserve none at all?

Getting very strong narc vibes here: no respect for your boundaries, control, attention seeking, haughty behaviour, jealousy, lack of empathy for others etc etc. Something is very wrong with her.

Sorry but this is every kind of ick and urgh and just wtaf.

Is there any point in calmly but clearly pointing out to your MiL just how upset your daughter is? if she can't hear for herself. And how you had hoped to see more of her yourself, and that it has been difficult to be excluded from so much of what's going on for so long each day, in your own home.
Hmm, I think that I would phrase it a bit differently. Telling MIL how upset DD is, is falling into SIL-type territory. Seeing how much MIL seems to enjoy drama, I wouldn't be giving her new ideas to play with ....
Instead, it might be better to tell MIL that DD has worked out that MIL's actions show quite clearly that she is not interested in spending time with DD. So you'll stay at home for Christmas tyvm.

Meanwhile, I hope that you and DD go out for a nice excursion today and leave them all to it.

Having seen the updates about the summer visit from SIL I think that OP could be the problem in SILs eyes. She's threatened by you and can't stand that you currently have her 'slot' in the family as her siblings and mother are with you.

SIL is an only daughter with two brothers and a mum who is... shall we say accommodating. She's probably been a bit mollycoddled and protected by them all her life. Now her brother has a wife and child, she can't get the same attention from him. She can't handle that so so goes off to bed to avoid feeling second best to OP and OPs DD.

A few months later MIL is excited to be spending time with her son, his wife and her sweet GD. SIL fears that her mum too will have a great time with OP. When the flight gets cancelled and her other brother says 'no problem mum - I'll drive you'. SIL is now further triggered by this as her brother is also going to be with OP.

In SIL eyes, for these 72 hours, she has been replaced in her family by OP. Her mum and both brothers are now with SIL who in the summer she was jealous of. This has triggered massive insecurity in her and lead to constant phone calls to find out what is happening, check you aren't having too good a time and that they all still love her.

No one will tell OP what the problem is because the problem is that SIL is acting ridiculously immaturely about OP. In their desperation to resolve it, they had a kitchen chat with DH to try to get him to speak to his sister and tell her she had got it all wrong and she is still the special one so she would calm down.

@jumpingjackrabbit is DH going to be on board with you saying the Christmas plans are now off?

I have one very upset little girl this morning who is crying because Grandma is going home and she's not been able to do half the things she wanted to do with her.

What was MIL's reaction to this?

I wouldn't make a drama by saying your daughter's upset, that's just more of the whole circus.

Maybe you could pointedly say 1:1 to MIL that it's been an uncomfortable time and a bit disturbing and that you hope whatever's going on gets resolved.

Then you've got an issue with your DH. He needs to be on your side or your marriage is wobbly.

DH told me it is just to do with his DS EXH who has asked if his DD can stay an extra night. She's flipped. Called at 2am this morning and on the phone until 4am. MIL looked exhausted this morning. Theyve just left.

Good grief! Woods fail me.

same, i would also be telling DH that he would be staying with me or he could go up to Dramaville and stay there.

Then you definitely have a MIL/BIL/DH problem as they should be telling her to grow up and realise that the world doesn’t revolve around her. More importantly there are other people in the family besides her

What a pathetic creature SIL is! She needs to get a grip.