Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

Exactly.

Also it's about 'emotional literacy', boundaries, interpersonal dynamics and general intelligence and respect for others. So hang on, even if a bizarre and one off unusual event has occurred that means SIL is in need of sudden vast input and huge secret conversations, then this is no way to go about behaving in a relative stranger's home!

Because decent non drama people would make it OK. For example, say openly, I'm terribly sorry there's been a very unusual incident involving SIL and for various reasons, we can't discuss openly but we're here to spend our time with you all as best we can, unfortunately I'm going to have to duck out and sit in the car for the odd private call now and then and I might seem a bit distracted. I appreciate that's terribly rude but I'll be sure to spend dinner and the rest of the evening with you all.

They certainly don’t have many manners between them all. Understandably in your own home you are owed an explanation as to what this is all about.

I certainly hope you find some kind of explanation from your DH as this really isn’t acceptable behaviour.

I don’t blame you for reconsidering Christmas without all this ridiculous drama.

I wouldn't trust any "reassurances" you may receive re Christmas. I'd be staying at home with DD regardless of whether H decides to go.

So, MIL is enabling the drama and enjoying it. Deep down, it sounds like MIL is enjoying being her DD's crutch.

Why doesn't SIL just block the number or get a court order forbidding contact? Even if there are kids involved, it's fairly easily sorted.

so true!!!!
mil could be handling it so much better.
it sounds downright disastrous.
not fair on anyone including sil who may not be causing any of this drama on purpose. But ya know - lots of unknowns. And I guess if it IS a pattern, then it’s like a boy who cried Wolf situation unfortunately.

Sounds like MIL and SIL have a completely unhealthy codependency with MIL going above and beyond to facilitate SIL’s hysteria. SIL sounds batshit, MIL slightly batshit and your husband beyond rude to indulge the batshit behaviour and then refuse to even tell you what’s going on. Tell them all to fuck off and bring your DD out for a nice hot chocolate and the cinema while MIL packs so she can depart post haste and aid and abet SIL’s behaviour even further.

your dh should have shiut all this down not conspire with them in secret

Do your own Christmas in your own home
don’t pander to relatives who behave like fractious children
happy Christmas x

I think it's more likely to be opposite. Highly controlled husbands would be more likely to keep secrets so they have some control.

I know when I tell someone something I assume it's likely their other half will hear it. Me and DH would definitely share. He's my sounding board in these kind of situations and same the other way around.

Why is he sending her unpleasant messages if he asked for the divorce? Is there any point in your husband talking to his sister about some practical help with stopping this and helping her to move on?

Wow. Dh, it is a shame but your behaviour and acceptance of this behaviour from your
Mum as well as the rudeness to me means that we are not going for Christmas and your mum is not welcome to stay here again.

Your DH should be looking at this situation and telling his mum to set more boundaries and his sister to find another outlet/source of support. Then with that firm advice given he should support you in not going for Christmas. It will be all about SIL drama and your little one should be the focus. She’s such a good age for Christmas.

The fact your DH isn’t doing this is a bit concerning. I would stand your ground over Christmas though, if there is some valid problem that would make your response unreasonable they can tell you what it is. They can’t expect you to put up with it all without even being told what’s going on.

There are some horribly judgemental people on this thread 🙄. I dearly hope none of you ever have severe mental health issues and need support…

People are saying if it's actually mh issues, then the dm should return to the sil to support her.
Do you think if someone has mh difficulties then everyone's life should centre only on them and they can act as they wish with no impunity?

Supporting someone with severe mental health issues is a marathon not a sprint.

If it's not an immediate crisis, it's much healthier for MIL to have some space and be able focus on something else.

Being constantly at the beck and call of someone isn't healthy or sustainable. As evidenced by this thread is it straining MILs other relationships.

Definitely don’t go for Christmas it will be awful.

Your DH is not helping but it sounds like odd family dynamics that are well embedded into their lives.

I've dealt with this before, my partner and I took my stepdaughter to London with my MIL and FIL and my partner's brother and his wife phoned, texted, face timed the in laws constantly. I'm convinced it was jealousy which is bizarre as my partner and I are never invited out with them and the parents.

But I digress...

Ignore it. It's not worth an argument, and the phone calls are clearly annoying your in laws too. You are well within your rights to do Christmas your way.

@Caffeinette
The thing is though - even if there are serious mental health issues (not convinced about that), it’s not reasonable that OPs daughter never gets quality time with their grandparent. It just isn’t.

Op I really feel for you because that sounds like a nightmare, they do need to know that your sil needs help and that she needs to be told she needs help. The only thing is the reason they all stopped talking when you came in is that now on top of your sil they have to try to placate you , maybe try and ease off saying the Christmas thing just for now, your mil doesn’t need that at the moment, she just needs help with the sil and someone said above about this being a dh problem, not really their whole family is trying to figure out an insanely difficult situation

A few factors which seem to be having a big impact here - The fact that sil and op clearly just in general don’t get on well. Just a natural clashing of personalities.
so I think it’s likely that sil has said to her mum and brothers “please don’t tell op what I’m going through, she’s not a friend of mine.” Which isn’t really fair on op seeing as this is currently playing out in her home. And especially awful and unfair for op’s 5 year old daughter who deserves better from her granny. I think sil is in a place of jealousy when it comes to happily married couples especially when that happily married couple happens to be her brother and a lady who she doesn’t click with.
Ultimately, this all could’ve been avoided if handled better by mil.
she needs to be clearer with the sil And set better clearer boundaries.
OR just not have come at all.
but hindsight is tricky and I get that maybe she didn’t know what to do.
sometimes you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
if I was you OP, I’d send a quick message to sil just to say “hi sil - hope you are doing alright today. Please know your family are always here for you.” Leave it at that so she knows she’s got everyone’s support and doesn’t feel forgotten.
then I’d talk to my mil about the disappointment of the trip from my DD’s perspective. And depending on her response would probably just go down to low contact from now on, and would not hold back from sugarcoating anything to DH whom I hope will fully inform you what’s going on once bil and mil have left.

You could be in the same boat as I am unfortunately, I have a covert narcissistic SIL, she can’t stand my MIL spending time with my family and causes a drama every time to get the attention back onto her. It’s exhausting.

@SummerPeach I'm not messaging her. She's not in crisis and I'm not playing into that. I have one very upset little girl this morning who is crying because Grandma is going home and she's not been able to do half the things she wanted to do with her.

I do think it is jealousy. She stayed with us in the summer and just vanished to bed after dinner, confronting me upstairs that I've obviously got a very strong and confident relation with her brother, but she doesn't have that and nor does she have the confidence to sit with us. What is that all about!?! This is after making sure she was v included.

@Familyvalues80 isn't it just. Solidarity!!

No help but this is my brother.
I only live about a half hour drive from my mum and I see her twice a week. By the time I see her I have loads to tell her because I don't really see her in between and I have a young son who is growing and learning all the time.
My brother lives with her and works with her ... (He is 37) and he will leave for work at like 11.30 and he is ringing her again by 12. I am sat there like bugger off, you have her every minute of the day, let her spend time with her grandson and actually have a conversation with her daughter 🙄
I would ask MIL to leave phone in another room for some quality time maybe? Or go out somewhere nice for the day and leave phones in the car? Idk, she should be able to spend time with you all without an adult child demanding of her all the time.
Definitely NBU

@jumpingjackrabbit Thank you, I appreciate your solidarity, it can be very tough and I hope you are okay. I think OP has done the best thing posting here, narcissistic people can make you lose you sense of self and make you doubt yourself!