Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

FFS just called on the school run as well!

Whats the issue with the SIL?

What does she want when she calls?

Oh god there's no way I'd be going for Christmas it sounds like you'll just be extras in the SIL show.

Of course it's not unreasonable to want your MIL and BIL to want to be present in spending time with your DH and DD when here and of course SILs drama is unreasonable and rude but to be honest so are they in answering the phone so often when they are supposed to be socialing with you.

What does she want when she calls? If it’s a complaint about a manicure then fair enough, but has she got a serious illness or something else going on?

Is SIL in trouble or is she troubled?

Her husband asked for a divorce 3 years ago. They're divorced, but he sends her a lot of horrid messages etc. She is depressed as a result. There might be other stuff going on but if there is, I am not told. She was foisted upon us in the summer holidays with problems, which I was not told about, and it made for a very awkward and tricky week. She shot me down for every little thing I said.

I said to MIL this morning that I do not wish to know what is going on, but if there were problems that were going to impact on walking on eggshells at Christmas, I'd rather know now so we can make other plans.

I’m really confused.

Whats the breakdown about? Surely she didn’t just phone you and scream down the phone - she must have given context?

Also she rang you and MIL was with her but then you’re all in the same house?

I don’t really understand your post

Also she rang you and MIL was with her but then you’re all in the same house?
It doesn't say that anywhere. Post is perfectly clear.

Well no because SIL rang OP and MIL was in the background.

Then they’re all in the same house having dinner.

Who is staying where OP? Is SIL living near you?

I have a friend whose neurotic adult daughter calls her several times with some ‘drama’ each time she has the temerity to be out enjoying herself. I swear she does it on purpose to ruin her mother’s day.

Where does it say anything about MIL being in the background? It says BIL has driven MIL to OP's house. Presumably a decent distance. SIL has called a number of times since MIL's arrival.

This depends entirely on what’s happened with SIL, I guess

Was the thread about you not being supportive of sil's mh yours? Step away and give dc a Christmas at home.

I feel for MIL who is in a difficult situation. Put yourself in her shoes and it being your daughter calling. Would you be able to just ignore the call or hang up? I'm sure she doesn't WANT to be stuck on the phone all the time, but with a depressed daughter what can she do?

Right so SIL lives near MIL and MIL has come away to OP’s for a visit and SIL is constantly calling to speak to her?

Riiiiight.

OP I’d kidnap MIL and keep her with you. SIL sounds like a pain.

Don’t answer her calls. Invite MIL and MIL only to yours for Christmas. Which might seem mean but the poor woman sounds like she could do with it

She sounds like my sil; DH has had to be quite brutal with his mum about how it makes him feel when things like this happen and that he deserved her time too.
When we have family events we make sure that if things go wrong we have an exit strategy and our time is limited. It was bad enough to cope with as adults but with now having DC I won’t expose them to it

I would get your husband to ask MIL to turn her phone off for a couple of hours a day while she is visiting to allow you some time together, then all go out for an uninterrupted lunch or to the park and for cake. SIL can manage for a short while.

Sounds like SIL needs some professional help.

I don’t blame you re Christmas, go another time.

So confusing OP.
Anyway, how old is your DD? It sounds as if whatever is going on with SIL both DH &MIL are fed up of it. So no YANBU to not spend Christmas with her, set an example that this isn't on and your DD deserves a Christmas where mum and dad are not stressed or being put down. While you sound very respectful of her privacy, you still have the right to be respected not pushed out and treated like shit.

Also the only reason SIL is getting to ruin MIL time with you guys is because the phone is being answered, text her and say "we are having some time will speak to you later on" don't answer the phone until it's convenient.

Right so SIL lives near MIL and MIL has come away to OP’s for a visit and SIL is constantly calling to speak to her?

Riiiiight.
Yes. That seemed perfectly clear to me from the OP.

I think given the fact your MIL is taking every call alongside her son, I would assume your SIL is possibly suicidal. Otherwise most people would refuse the calls when they are excessive. With that in mind there’s no chance in hell I’d be travelling seven hours with a baby to ruin my Christmas.

I’m guessing it’s her daughter, and she’s having some signficant issues, as well as the fact you dislike her, making it harder. It’s hard to say without knowing the issue.

This is a very unsympathetic approach.

Your SIL is depressed and the victim of harassment from her ex. Your MIL is presumably affected by this difficult situation.

It'd be better for your SIL and MIL not to have to tiptoe round you perhaps.

Feel sorry for your DH, as you're not able to just ignore for short periods.

I assumed SIL called her mother on her (mother's) mobile.

MIL is staying with OP and DH. SIL is wherever she lives. I think that's it...

If this was someone’s dh calling every five minutes nobody would assume that it was anything but controlling behaviour.

OP I’d be suggesting that MIL go home to be with SIL and then I’d be telling her you won’t be coming for Christmas.

Mil needs to grow a pair and stop pandering to SIL. Otherwise she stands to lose her relationship with other members of her family including her grandchild.