Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

@Soontobe60 the problem is this "crisis" is on going, at least since last Christmas and likely before that going back to SIL divorce. It says controlling to me rather than crisis.

So how long do you expect OP, her DH and DD to sideline their time and bond with the MIL? The grand daughter will grow up and that relationship won't be there/as good as it should be, due to SIL taking up ALL the time.

2nd and 3rd paragraphs seem contradictory. The 2nd is telling MIL to go home, suffer the drama-llama sister in law alone over Christmas, the 3rd is saying stop pandering to SIL and stand on her own two feet,.

I'm with 3 by the way.

Bloody hell!

She’s a grown woman who is allowed to take a phone call whenever she wants, for as long as she wants.

YANBU to choose to safeguard your dc’s Christmas and spend it calmly at home.

Except that’s not really what you’re doing here - if it was, you’d talk to your dh, come to a decision and let your mil know your plans in as kind a way as possible.

Instead it sounds like (and apologies if I gave the wrong end of the stick) you’re putting yet another burden on your mil because of some sort of misplaced sibling jealousy by proxy. The woman obviously has a major issue with your sil. She’s gone out of her way to visit you and of course it’s frustrating but punishing her won’t fix the issue.

Make a decision and stick to it. But don’t add to the drama, by holding your family’s presence over the woman’s head. She’s doing her best in a dreadful situation. By all means protect your dc from the nonsense but respect the fact that she is trying, to whatever extent she can, to protect hers too,

Unending support no matter what or however it affects other relationships?

And those are words you don't often see on MN!

Yep! I see him now!

Sorry, I had AOB (acronym overload blindness).

I used to have issues with SILs both causing issues within the family and at family gatherings. I just took a massive step back and let DH deal with his familys side of things. I still see PILs but try to avoid any family gatherings. Its sad but im just saying no to the drama now. They do not have my mobile number and they are not on my SM. Its so lovely on the other side when you put boundaries in place and live peacefully 🙃

I agree make your own plans. Your MIL could turn her phone off. It's rude to have it at the table anyway. So ban phones.

Your MIL is kind of enjoying the drama I think. Mine certainly did. Mother and daughter cut from the same cloth.

Have yourself a merry Christmas away from them. Like you my mother ruined Christmas, weddings, christenings, parties, family gatherings.

My own DIL has a sister like this. I do feel for her.

Everything is escalated to mental health crisis when in reality she has gone through a break-up and is pissed off at what she says is her ex's behaviour when all she needs to do is block any contact.

It sounds like MIL needs help and support from her sons and OP to put some boundaries in place around SIL. That must be quite hard to do if you are a nice person, good parent and your 'child' says she needs you.

But really if SIL is so constantly needing propping up, talking round and whatever else from her mum and siblings (and who knows how many friends) when SIL must be 30 plus then what she really needs is professional help in the form of counselling or therapy.

If you daren't buy SIL a self help book for Christmas buy MIL one about boundaries instead.

Yabu so a woman who is depressed and struggling who gets abusive messages off her ex and her mental health rings her own mother flsuw to a mental health crisis? You don't at all seem very compassion about her struggles you come across as rather cold. Is she potentiallya suicidal op?

Is she doing anything to help herself with this?

Eg Blocking the ex and having a third party pass on messages re access to child etc
Getting antidepressants, therapy etc to deal with depression and learn coping mechanisms.

I would have sympathy for someone trying to get out of a hole life has put them in but, if they don't take any action or don't take advice they are given my sympathy reserves would be running dry after 3 years. Especially if my DD's limited time with DGM was being ruined.

I'm not convinced about the 'sibling jealousy' suggestion. Any jealousy seems to be on the part of the SiL, who is doing her damndest to interrupt MiL's time with her DS because (for once) it doesn't place her at front and centre. Whatever her issues may be, this is extremely self-centred - emotionally vampiric, I'd go as far as to say - and doesn't acknowledge anyone else's needs other than her own. I've met these types before. Tha pages of Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws - I'd recommend this BTW OP, as it's brilliant - are full of them. If they're not the centre of any given situation, their consistent MO is to spoil it.

I agree about all the observations you make of MiL. This bombardment sounds like punishment on SiL's part because her mother's dared to do something independently of her. It sounds like a not-uncommon, although deeply enmeshed, family dynamic. People who behave in this way often do so because they've been enabled, and when someone asserts their own inclination the pushback can be heavy. IME, It's not a thing that can be easily unpicked.

MiL has probably made significant sacrifices to be with you. I can imagine SiL's behaviour to her at home before she made the journey. Now the poor woman's facing this exhausting onslaught of phone calls. She's in an impossible position, and I agree that it's fine to safeguard your Christmas, but don't punish MiL twice. The poor woman has already had it with both barrels from her overbearing DD.

I agree with this. Yes, it sucks when you have horrible circumstances but its very frustrating when someone wont take any advice or action to help themselves and just wants to whine constantly. You can still be supportive of family without being at their constant beck and call, people have their own lives too and their own problems. All of us have issues we are dealing with- but some people only want to take and never give support back which is very selfish.

Is she potentiallya suicidal op?

I doubt MIL would have come away if she suspected she was or would have pointedly asked SIL if she remembered that she was currently away with her son and grandchild. Or for BIL to become exasperated with her.

I would say you are being unreasonable by making other plans. It's not pleasant to deal with SIL but your husband's mother is not getting any younger and for all you know this Christmas can be the last one. People don't live forever.

Don't deny your husband and child this. Find some way to suck it up and let your husband deal with it.

Is she having a mental health crisis or kicking off for not being centre of attention?
If suicidal and in crisis, what can the dm do 7 hrs away? Family should call 999 for her.

OP isn’t it your DHs responsibility to sort out his (and thus your) relationship with his mother and his sister?

This. If she is suicidal she needs to speak to a mental health professional, her mother cant exactly do much from that far away. Even if she was near, she still needs a doctor/professional who have the skills/expertise to deal with suicidal ideation.

Sounds like my dsis . I’m NC now so I assume she’s had to find someone to take my place in her audience

Sometimes it's a mental health crisis. Sometimes someone is just an attention seeking wanker.

☝🏼This

Tbh this is a MIL problem. She should tell SIL she will be out and about with you lot and might not be contactable all day. Then she puts phone on silent.

I definitely wouldn’t say anything to her, I would leave that to DH, but YANBU to not want to spend your Christmas facilitating this shitshow

I can understand OP's frustration @takeonme on behalf of her DH, MIL and BIL and her not wanting her family to spend a second miserable Christmas due to SIL