Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

Loved this. I have come to suspect we might have an ASW in our family, rather than a MH crisis.

My sister does this to my mum - she can't bear it if Mum's attention is on anything but her. Every time Mum goes away, she has some kind of 'drama' which means Mum's attention has to be focused on her/she has to leave early. Means my mum has barely spent any time with my kids (her grandkids obvs) but has looked after sister's children endlessly. It's a massive pain in the arse. Sister is a narcissist.

I don't have any solutions - just sending sympathy/empathy!

Yep!

I can see both sides but I will say, calling your sister in law's mental health as 'drama' is utterly mean. I lost a friend to suicide last year. It was heartbreaking. I'd rather my adult child call me when having low times (no matter how often) than feel they can't due to fear of being judged. You don't know whats going on, because you've made it clear you don't want to know.

Well, if the MIL hasnt managed to "cure" this MH crisis over the last three years I doubt she's going to be able to now in a day or two is she?- clearly she's not able to fix it so the SIL needs professional help. OR, the more likely option is that she cant stand others getting attention.

That should read I would NOT be spending christmas with them.

Depends if it really is a mental health crisis. My sister is still also obsessed with her failed marriage that ended over 10 years ago, blames it for everything (although recently she has started blaming other family members too, including me) and talks of little else. It's just an excuse to guilt people into focusing on her, and also for extracting money from family members, friends and acquaintances but that's another story.

It's still possible to enjoy Christmas day with people like her though

I think it's fair enough to say you'll not go at Christmas. There's no need for you, your husband and your daughter to be involved in this drama -whether it's a mental health crisis or attention seeking wanker.
Whatever the reasons for it, it is not good for you and your child and why should your Christmas be ruined because of it?
What does your DH say about having Christmas at home this year?

It's a very long way to travel to have a shit Christmas and your child barely gets time with her Grandma because of SIL's issues.

My SIL is like this too. We went on a family holiday with Pils. They had done a similar trip with SIL and her kids 4 times previously.
SIL was massively offended that her parents did the exact same trip with our kids.
Wailing and crying as if she had been abandoned. She is late 40s. And cannot cope without at least 3 long calls to parents a day.
Whereas if her brother my DH so much as sends a text to his parents whilst they are with her, she calls him selfish.
It is bizarre.

Families are messy, most have their dramas, I wouldn't break away because of one unstable individual

They didn't before. OP doesn't want a repeat

I mean of course it is but given the OPs been there, done that and didn't enjoy it and nothing has changed since last time I'd be sceptical in thinking they would have an enjoyable time.

OP wants to skip Christmas with them this year not break away. Doubtful she or DH would think/do that from the sound of her posts.

Fuck that. Stay home for Christmas. Life is too short.

My SiL is like this whenever MiL visits us.

Within seconds of MiL arriving, she’s on the phone having a drama about something.

MiL has got quite firm with her the last few visits and shuts her down.

It’s attention seeking and jealousy. She doesn’t like MiL spending time with us.

DH was always the family scapegoat and his sister the golden child until a few years ago when MiL unexpectedly apologised for her behaviour over the years and has been much more involved. SiL took it badly.

She doesn't want to break away.
She's talking about not going there for Christmas as that happened previously and they didn't enjoy it due to the sister's mood swings.
There's no reason for them to have a miserable Christmas because of it.

Simple answer is for them all to stop answering the phone. Send a message saying they're busy if necessary and that they'll talk when they're free.
Your MIL and DH are providing a fantastic listening service, bespoke and 24/7. SIL is not going to give that up, why would she? She's dependent on their service. Time to cut the apron strings otherwise it will continue.
My friends husband does this...to the point where it's impossible to be friends now.
You're in an awful position OP and I truly hope you get the Christmas you deserve.

My partners sister can be a bit like this. She lives miles away from us and MIL (her choice to move). However, if she finds out MIL is spending time with DP of the kids she seems to get jealous. She’ll ring and be me, me, me! We don’t see MIL that often despite living close so she had plenty of other time to make contact!

This!
I would say as a population we suffer from far too many ASW's at the moment.
Not everyone is in crisis just because they are having a tough time.
In fact, those that go through the tough times quietly without seeking attention probably need more support than the ASW as they will just breakdown with no warning.
I remember doing a first aid course years ago, one of the first things we were told about a situation with multiple casualties was to ignore the ones screaming the loudest and go and check the quiet ones as they probably had less time left.
I absolutely would not be spending Christmas anywhere near SIL.

Oh, I see you've met my sister. Lots of people who seem to have the good fortune of not knowing someone like this won't understand how draining it is.

Not the same I know, but my Nana used to say that she didn't realise how popular she was until she came to stay with my parents (who lived at other end of the country) when all my aunts would be ringing her constantly.

Have you considered, OP, that there is a large element of narcissism and jealousy in your SIL’s behaviour? She wants to be at the centre of her DM’s world and resents your family unit as an interloper. I suspect that if you did live closer to MIL that SIL would monopolise her time to the exclusion of her brother (DH).
You probably can’t win in a situation like this because really MIL and other family members need to impose boundaries. This is infantile behaviour — you wouldn’t allow a child to constantly interrupt meals and conversations without intervention
I suspect that if there is a fear of self harm that this is being used as a form of blackmail and an attention seeking gambit.
Do whatever you need to do to give your own nuclear family a great and relaxed Christmas.
At sometime maybe take MIL away for a holiday (somewhere picturesque and remote with poor mobile reception)

Don't wait for MiL to say something. You already know what it's going to be like if you visit, so take the bull by the horns and make other xmas plans now.

I had a SIL line this. She had real problems in her life , but like yours she could not stand MILs attention being directed to anyone other than herself, especially+++,the grandchildren.
It went on for years like you, 3 years wasn't it?.

Eventually the kids got old enough to start commenting on it.
In the end we came to an agreement that when MIL came to our house, one afternoon a week, then the phone would be off