Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

OP I understand your posts and undersrand why you're frustrated

Your SIL might have problems but she has the option to block the abusive contact from her ex and she has the option to distract herself with something/somebody else whilst MIL spends much needed and rare quality time with her grandaughter.

SIL needs to understand that whatever her needs are if she behaves like this and (seemingly deliberately) intrudes on your time with MIL then you're going to choose to distance yourself from this. MIL needs to understand that if she insists on pandering to SIL's immature and needy behaviour to such a degree then that will affect her relationships with your side of the family.

There's no fucking way I'd be travelling up there for Christmas with a young child. Fuck that! You only get a very limited number of Christmasses with your babies, spend them making good memories not pandering to bullshit family dynamics

I totally get how you feel. I also have a SIL who PIL pander to. They are practically second parents to her kids, they have barely seen my dd all year. We all live within walking distance of each other. There's no way at all I'm wasting my time and energy on them at the best time of year when this is how they treat us the rest of the year. I wish them a merry Christmas but they can spend it licking each other's arses and leave me and my dd to spend it with people who do give a shit about us thanks

We have had similar in our family. I'm sure it's not uncommon.
My sister lived next door to our parents. It was a co-dependent, complex relationship.
Whenever she didn't have Mum's attention, whether that was when me or other siblings along with our children were visiting, or when Mum visited us, our sister always found a way to muscle her way in. Some immediate drama would unfurl, or she'd use her children to emotionally challenge Mum.

It was tricky. We would either have to challenge the whole situation, which would have brought up life long issues and risked huge rifts, or just accept it.

I would always tell my Mum how much I valued her spending a little time just with MY children when we visited. She never stood up to my sister.

We distanced ourselves in the end.

She's clearly not well. I don't think it's that unreasonable for MIL to visit and spend a lot of time on the phone - if needed - but it is intrusive that she just answers the phone at SIL will.

I'd possibly speak to MIL and try and get across that whilst you appreciate she needs to take care of her daughter (even if you don't mean it) you're finding it jarring for her to ring at dinner, school run etc and maybe she could have her phone on silent? or create set times to talk to her so you can also set aside time as a family without interruption for the few days she's up.

What @Jamjaris said.^^

@jumpingjackrabbit OP, you've expressed your (justifiable) frustration at the situation but what does your DH say/do when his mum and brother keep disappearing off for lengthy phone conversations? What is discussed when MIL/BIL returns to the room with you all? Does DH complain to them both and say 'you're here to see me/grandaughter/neice so can we mute the phones for at least a few hours?' If he doesn't, he really should speak up. Sounds like he gets less time with his mum that his siblings as it is.

You have a MIL/BIL problem - they need to put their phones on mute or off for a few hours or even days. They are enabling this disruption.

And you’re spot on about Christmas - avoid it like the plague as you will be closer to it all and won’t be able to escape.

I think you've just invented a brother-in-law.

The BIL who drove mil down and also spent ages on the phone to sil?

@Isittimeformynapyet OP's BIL brought the MIL to OP's house as it's a long journey and answered a phone call and made quite a good quip about being Freud. He does exist

Wonder if he's meaning the sils current demanding behaviour with having the crisis during this visit is Freudian?
I.e purposeful to ruin it and have her come home to get all the attention again?

Take MIL out with DH & DD for the day, somewhere with absolutely no mobile phone service, let MIL enjoy a few hours with no interruptions to show her how nice it is, then get DH to say this is what it should be like when your here and we’d appreciate it if your time with us isn’t all about SIL.

So, let’s say that SIL is having a rotten time & needs support.
Were a support professional involved in her care & support, they would be available at agreed times so SIL could have quality focused time addressed her needs.

Boundaries.

MiL needs time for her own relationships independent of a seemingly dependent adult child, & particularly with her own son & his child. Also MiL needs a break from on call 24/7,.

MiL needs to enforce her own boundaries & I think OP may be just the person to help her!

I suggest that MiL offer SIL a designated time slot or two in the day, maybe for a 5 minute catch-up. The line is open for SIL to ring, let her offload & I query if MiL even need listen too hard or discuss much. After 5 minutes, the call ends as MiL has to be somewhere else.

Put the effin’ phone on mute in the kitchen drawer & enjoy the peace. MiL goes out with her son & family & does not take the phone with her. No phones during meal times etc. MiL checks phone twice a day rather than by anxious reflex etc.

SiL needs to manage her distress, pace herself & develop resilience. I can understand if bullying phone calls & texts harassing her cause her distress, but she must find a useful way to block this to maintain her own peace & equilibrium otherwise she passes the abuse baton on to her child, her mother, her brother(s), their children & intimately our OP.

There is a cycle of passing along the shit stick & no doubt the familial roots run deep, but it does not have to be like this for OP’s own family in their own home.

Quite right to have a peaceful Christmas & family break at home.

Sometimes "drama"="mental health crisis"

The OP is very clear, Mil lives seven hours away from her son: OP’s DH, she doesn’t get to see them often due to distance.

OP’s BIL )presumably MILs other son?) drove MIL to OPs house to spend time with op and family.
SIL, divorced and depressed, having a crisis of sorts, rang her mother (OPs MIL) several times during her visit. DH is fed up, Op is pissed off. Driver BIL can only listen to his sisters woes for so long before handing her ( metaphorically) over to his mother.
Meanwhile OP is rethinking Xmas plans(I would too), and wants to stay home.

OP, let your husband sort it out. Tell him what you aren't prepared to accept and let him speak to his mother/other family about it.

No need for you to involve yourself and if it were me in your place, that's exactly what I'd want - to not be involved at all.

It sounds to me from your post that you're constantly 'on alert' and really, that's not your place, you say yourself that it's your husband's time with his mother. For your own sake then, back off and let him manage it.

Sometimes "drama"="being in a really shit place and needing support"

Frankly, yes it is.

OP has a child to think of too.

No one person can be rhe only person to support someone with MH issues without any break and without any boundaries. Its too much. MIL not fit enough to drive herself 7 hours is therefore probably not fit enough to be her daughters main /only support.
MIL needs a rest.
Her sons need proper quality time with her.
Her GC want a proper relationship with her.

The daughter isnt the only one who matters, regardless of whats happening in her life.

It would be kind but I'd bet my house on the SIL coming along too (uninvited) and MIL being unable to refuse.

Exactly! It's as clear as crystal from the original post! I do despair of some people's comprehension or do they only skim through before commenting?

I understand your frustration OP. A SiL with whom I long ago lost touch had the same propensity to make everything some over-intensified brouhaha with her in the middle of it. She simply couldn’t bear not to be the centre of attention for one tiny nanosecond, irrespective of whether others were dealing with severe trauma like miscarriage, the unexpected death of a loved one, or serious injury. Three days after the funeral of my DM, who had died young and unexpectedly, SiL was dumped by her DP and arrived at our home to stay. I was still so in shock I doubt it would have registered if Vlad the Impaler had invited himself for the weekend, but she quickly made her presence felt though her atrocious behaviour. She engaged in endless phone calls – similar to those you describe – with MiL, along the emotional lines of what on earth she’d do without her mother to talk to. Mine was barely cold. I’ve had little to do with SiL ever since.

I have some sympathy with MiL, who sounds as though she’s trying to do her best by everybody but is spreading herself too thinly. It’s frustrating that she insists on picking up SiL’s calls, but unfortunately you have no control over this. What you don’t have to do is allow her lack of boundaries to translate to you. I’d stay firm about Christmas.

If I gave the issue any thought (I only do when I spot a similar scenario on MN) I’d feel sorry for my SiL. She seems unable to cope with the slightest stresses or anxieties, to the extent that this stands in the way of what she wants to achieve. But rather than address this in herself, she drips with resentment of those who do. You might some day come to the same place of equilibrium; in the meantime, you're justified in limiting interaction with negative, energy-draining personalities like this.

In your position I’d cut your MiL some slack but acknowledge that you can’t win with people like your SiL. The only cure is emotional and physical distance.

Sil sounds very controlling. Whilst she may be genuinely struggling she should have enough respect to let her mum spend some time with her sibling and his family without her intruding every 5 mins with phone calls.

Your mil must be exhausted by this too op. Is she ok?

Sounds like SIL is in crisis, poor thing, and needs support. Her mum must feel very divided. Unless there is a back story, I wouldn’t have thought SIL was being awkward.

Again I agree, except that I think the request should come from her DH, the son rather than her.

YANBU unless there is a serious and significant event occuring right now in SIL's life that genuinely requires their input. I think it is entirely fair for you to discuss not going up with your MIL if you are going to be involved in some sort of stressful situation. I would also be letting them both know your views that they should both be allowed to enjoy each other's company in peace without constant demands for communication from SIL. They should tell her that and mute their phones. Sounds like FOMO

I voted YABU

I understand why you’re annoyed and SIL sounds very draining but it could be something important and it’s for your MIL and BIL to choose whether to speak to her or not.

They could tell her they’ll ring her back at a more convenient time or just ignore her call for a bit but because they’re answering and talking to her for so long, they obviously don’t mind.

I don’t know why you’re not more annoyed at MIL/BIL.
If sounds like you have some issues with SIL.