My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

He totally fits the description mentioned by a PP of ‘going round impregnating women’!

I’m sorry, OP. This must feel horrendous!

So if one of them has been living in London for the last 5-6 years then the bit where he told you he hasn't seen them for 6 years is also a lie?

I wonder why he hasn't told them about the other likely half siblings thar are more recent.

Is it possible that he is still seeing their mother as well as you.

That would explain why he lied about being in Denmark 'just' before meeting you. I'd bet he's actually got another family right on your doorstep. He may even be married to her.

Thats why I'm thinking a private investigator might prove useful.

Are you certain there is not another current mother and kids nearby?

I can't imagine how you're going to process this series of bombshells.

All I can suggest in the short term is to tell him he mustn't try to contact you directly. He can arrange seeing the DC you share via a friend. You'll be in touch in a week

On the meantime, get some legal advice and maybe talk to a professional to work out how to tell your DC.

So there are the 5 he told you about, that you met 3 of , 4th didn't want to, 5th abroad, and they are from Denmark.

Then there are 2 older ones from Norway, 1 in Canada and 1 in the Netherlands.

9 so far.

Plus your 2 and pregnancy in London, so soon to be 12. And possible others in the 10 year gat between the 14yo and your 4yo...

Is he trying to create a United Nations of offspring? What the actual hell?? I can't believe this. OP, you must be reeling!

Good grief @Usia , this is so shocking.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Good on you for making contact with the children and meeting with them. At least you've got some of the truth now.
I'm pleased that you have been able to tell your sister and that she's close enough to meet up with.
What a dreadful situation. I wish you strength.

Kick him out. Seriously just boot him of the door.

Even if you think there is a chance that you will stay with him

You really, really need some time to process this, away from him. It’s huge.

It just seems strange he didn't just tell you the truth in the first place. I HATE being lied to. Why on earth wouldn't he have told you in the beginning of your relationship? I can only think he's still married that's the only thing that makes any sense. I'd make him prove he's divorced.

I agree with @caringcarer I would really, really like to meet the ex wife. This isn’t normal behaviour.

He's a psychopath

He's not blond, overweight, and called Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is he?

I can easily understand why he's hidden that he's got at least 9 children by 4 different mothers. It's hardly an attractive proposition to get involved with. Especially when he doesn't seem to be in routine contact with them.
Massive red flag don't you think?!

Ugh I’m sorry OP it’s all so awful.

maybe he’s one of those men whose really into ‘spreading his seed’ (sorry) and having children as a status symbol/proof of his virility but has no interest in actually child rearing. I knew a man like this once and he was into the Quiverfull thing.

As you are not married to this man, you have automatic parental rights in respect of the children.

But, if he is named on their Birth Certificate so as the father, he does have some rights.

You do need legal advice ASAP.

TBH it doesn't sound as if he would be particularly bothered, given the trail of offspring he has left behind him.

However as he has put these other children through University, you need to know what financial support you can get from him.

Which takes you back to obtaining legal advice ASAP.

Personally, I would have already changed the locks.

Someone who can lie about something so fundamental cannot be given an inch. He couldn’t lie straight in bed! You must take control of your life now!

I wish you all the best.

JJ

I think you'd absolutely have to be a psychopath or similar to do as he has.

You should give netflix a shout. Dirty John doesn't get a look in with this guy.

Good god. It's shocking that the kids are so matter of fact about it. I had a friend with two half-siblings whose dad was a serial monogamist, but not like this.

I think I would be wondering: where are his children aged between 5 and 17?

Two of my friends (now adults) had similar dads to your partner, without the foreign countries element. Their dads have had nothing to do with them since they were children but with the power of Facebook and Ancestry DNA etc they have traced many half siblings, some with similar ages to them or their full siblings.

It is so sad that there are so many men like this out there

@Usia

Holy shit!! I've known some irresponsible shitheads in my life, but he takes, if not the whole cake, at least huge piece of it!

As far as his other children and your children and a relationship between them (if you want that), it's out of your control. I suppose you'll just have to make peace with that. And with having to guide your DC through this when the time is right.

As far as he goes, I'd be changing the locks, today. And filing for CMS, although he'll probably skip the country now he's been rumbled. Hopefully you have no joint financial entanglements, but if you do I'd be moving my share of the money to an account in your sole name. Preferably at a different bank!

TBH, unless he's left some valuable items at yours, I wonder if you'll even hear from him again.

If a man wants to treat women so badly, why does he have to include procreating with all of them? It's not like he actively wanted that many children (I assume). I guess it's simply because he's always been able to just walk away.

Oh my fucking God op.
How can you go forward from this,,? How can you trust or believe him.?

Was he contrite when you told him to leave,?

I'm wondering what traits this guy has that make women want to repeatedly allow impregnation by him on very short acquaintance???

Oh my god. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through something like this. Get rid of him asap. This guy is weird and will find a new woman to have kids with when you are done with him.

I'm watching the programme suggested on this thread which is 'The Other Mrs Jordan' on ITVx and it's very very similar- the guy on there had 5 children with one woman whilst feeding the second one who had three a pack of lies about his job/whereabouts, and of course there turned out to be more children and more lies. People who lie about this will also lie about their jobs and money because it's rare to be a risk-taking pathological lier in one area of your life and not in another, plus they do always seem to have money (partly because of their con-man ways). I hope you are ok, OP.

The reason some liars and manipulators don't give people the full facts in the first place is to deprived them of 'informed consent' and control the outcome.

So, Male X thinks 'hmmm I like this woman but if she finds out I have 6 children she may not wish to be involved with me... oh... I know, I won't tell her, that's the way to handle this difficulty. To think like this shows the highest level of deceit and coercion -but- also is worringly lacking in forethought and concern about consequences in the furture.

Another scenario is, Male X thinks 'hmmm I like this woman and she's a soft touch, she'll do for the next few years, she'll keep me in a good standard of living and she's caring and supportive'. Likewise with zero consideration for long term outcome -or- worse zero care.

People who cannot comprehend cause and effect, action and consequence, and flee the outcomes of their dishonesty with no care or just eff off when things become awkward are really antisocially personality disordered IMO and quite dangerous.