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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My life has just been flipped on its head

228 replies

Usia · 24/11/2023 01:27

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 24/11/2023 09:18

Merryoldgoat · 24/11/2023 08:41

He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids (odd since he was the one who wanted to be a dad so badly). But generally he’s very loving and supportive

We are our own worst enemies when we believe tripe like this.

A very angry man who shouts and screams when he doesn’t get his way and has no interest in his children is not GENERALLY VERY LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE.

This x1000.

So he's fathered eight humans that we know of. I wonder how many more he's left in his wake.

Mirabai · 24/11/2023 09:23

I don’t think we can be sure he’s married to any of his babymothers.

JFT · 24/11/2023 09:25

YANBU this is massive deception - and why!?!

Did he lead you to believe that when you were giving birth to your own children they were the first that he'd ever had?

I totally get it that you'd be stunned, in shock, mad and angry and questioning everything at this point.

However, bare bones of it is, you're going to have to decide whether you wish to communicate with him sufficient to recovering your relationship and carrying on being a family despite this incredible deception. It could work and it might be nice to have lots of half brothers and sisters for your own children.

If over time you realise there's no way you can ever be with him again (understandable) then there's a lot needs thinking about to whilst you would also be suffering loss / grief / shock and I suggest you try to find some real life support as this is massive.

Floppyelf · 24/11/2023 09:29

I’d say he’s hiding more than he’s letting on. Around that time he came to London, a lot of maltese Gangsters moved to the UK. It was after that anti government journalist was murdered on instruction of the government.

Scruffington · 24/11/2023 09:29

Galiana · 24/11/2023 02:54

You didn't question a 51 year old man's 'childless background'?

Really?

What a bizarre comment. I know loads of 50-somethings who don't have any kids. Nothing unusual about it.

JFT · 24/11/2023 09:33

I wonder if he's abandoned these kids and the mother of his children all these years, maybe with little to no contact? Maybe no support, no money, etc?

Now they're coming to London and they're keen to track him down so he's forced to tell the truth.

Mercurial123 · 24/11/2023 09:37

Galiana · 24/11/2023 02:54

You didn't question a 51 year old man's 'childless background'?

Really?

You do realise having children isn't compulsory?

MsRosley · 24/11/2023 09:39

He sounds like an absolute prince. So sorry, OP. You're going to have a fight on your hands to get financial support from this mendacious, deceitful bastard, so good luck.

Gettingbysomehow · 24/11/2023 09:43

I'm so sorry OP. I've been the victim of a liar too and it's devastating.
I think it would be best if you had nothing more to do with him and just concentrated on your family.
Liars cannot ever be trusted. I doubt he will bust a gut to change your mind. They never do.
I think its a form of mental illness if I'm honest.

Viviennemary · 24/11/2023 09:44

You need to calm down. He lied because he was afraid what your reaction would be. Of course he needs to see his children. You need to decide if you are ending this marriage or working through it.

Gettingbysomehow · 24/11/2023 09:46

Incidentally my liar said he had been in the paras and was cometely infertile so could never have a family.
One abortion later it turns out he's not infertile and had never been in the paras. I was devastated. It turned out there had been a string of women he had food like this all 5 of us had abortions. It was heartbreaking.

Scruffington · 24/11/2023 09:47

Viviennemary · 24/11/2023 09:44

You need to calm down. He lied because he was afraid what your reaction would be. Of course he needs to see his children. You need to decide if you are ending this marriage or working through it.

He lied because he was afraid what your reaction would be.

Awww the poor love. He was afraid, that's all. No big deal omitting to tell your partner that you actually have 5 adult children.

Namerequired · 24/11/2023 09:53

It’s probably just the tip of the iceberg. I would be tempted to contact his eldest and just explain you have just found out about them and the situation. They might be able to fill in more of the blanks. Or if you have a contact for their mother. Good luck

EmptyBoxPyramid · 24/11/2023 10:00

Who said the previous children have the same mother ?

He has lied by omission !

TwoShades1 · 24/11/2023 10:04

How mental! Unfortunately given the extreme level the deception I think it’s likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. It’s quite likely he is already married and there are possibly other children to potentially other women.

Looking way forward, try not to hold it against any of his other children. If they would like a relationship with their half siblings I think it should be supported. None of the children have had any say in this has unfolded.

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 24/11/2023 10:07

EmptyBoxPyramid · 24/11/2023 10:00

Who said the previous children have the same mother ?

He has lied by omission !

Tbf if four of them are all travelling to London together it's more likely that they're full siblings.

Bostonbakedbeans · 24/11/2023 10:09

Was his suggestion that you meet them too, or that he was meeting them alone?
I think you should meet up too. Its unlikely to be a jolly meeting if he's really not seen them in 6 years but you find out more of the truth from them than him!

Quercus5 · 24/11/2023 10:10

I’m also now thinking they may not have been married as all the kids have double-barrelled surnames (though notably the youngest only identifies by the danish one on instagram I think).

I lived in Denmark in the 1990s and many people then had double barrelled surnames. The societal rules for choosing your surnames are a bit different to here, so I wouldn’t assume anything about being married from their surnames.

UniversalAunt · 24/11/2023 10:12

Hmmmm, how tangled can this get?

He’s a liar & manipulator - temper tantrums etc - so how much can you believe what he says? I can doubt that he has said children…

Now you have enough of an insight & information to apply some scrutiny to what has has said & done in the past, so prepare yourself for some rude shocks - maybe more kids, fractured relationships, financial irregularities, illegal activities etc.

You may take a strong proactive stance & employ an investigator here in the UK & abroad.

Until you know better of him, be very wary of what he says & promises.
Anyone can make a mistake, telling a consistent lie over many years is something else.

mamas12 · 24/11/2023 10:20

Why don’t you go along and meet them, if poss with children or at least lots of photos of them
you can find out a lot them

Blinkityblonk · 24/11/2023 10:23

I would get a private investigator in. You won't get the truth out of him.

I've known three people who have had second families. Two of them have run their second family like their first, in one case fairly openly, and have been involved with and care for the children of all the families (e.g. paying for them, being around etc). They are splitting their time and are deceitful but have ended up with two women and two families.

This doesn't sound like a second family case. It's more likely he has several families and may even have one now apart from you and these Danish children. The reason I think that is that he 'works away a lot' (where? doing what?) yet isn't going to see the Danish family, this is the first contact in 6 years, so he's up to something when he's working away. Either back in Malta or somewhere else, there will be another woman or another family, because that's his way of doing things. He also clearly has large families- 5 with her, 3 with you, he sees having children as a question of masculinity and virility, so the chances of this being his first rodeo at it all- nope.

I do know of someone like this, they are very wealthy, set up companies all the time and had a first family plus several mistresses on the go. People like this are amoral and so won't care terribly much about your feelings on the matter, or indeed the children.

I would get all the facts myself and not rely on him as he can't tell the truth to anyone.

I expect the only reason he's told you about the children coming to London is that they have found evidence of you and they want to see him! He's trying to prevent them finding you, as much as he's limiting you finding them.

purplehue · 24/11/2023 10:25

Why? Can't believe someone would go to great lengths to lie about something like this.

Try and meet them asap or at least talk to them in the phone. Ask for their mother's details and contact her.

I can't imagine what you must be going through just now.

purplehue · 24/11/2023 10:27

Blinkityblonk · 24/11/2023 10:23

I would get a private investigator in. You won't get the truth out of him.

I've known three people who have had second families. Two of them have run their second family like their first, in one case fairly openly, and have been involved with and care for the children of all the families (e.g. paying for them, being around etc). They are splitting their time and are deceitful but have ended up with two women and two families.

This doesn't sound like a second family case. It's more likely he has several families and may even have one now apart from you and these Danish children. The reason I think that is that he 'works away a lot' (where? doing what?) yet isn't going to see the Danish family, this is the first contact in 6 years, so he's up to something when he's working away. Either back in Malta or somewhere else, there will be another woman or another family, because that's his way of doing things. He also clearly has large families- 5 with her, 3 with you, he sees having children as a question of masculinity and virility, so the chances of this being his first rodeo at it all- nope.

I do know of someone like this, they are very wealthy, set up companies all the time and had a first family plus several mistresses on the go. People like this are amoral and so won't care terribly much about your feelings on the matter, or indeed the children.

I would get all the facts myself and not rely on him as he can't tell the truth to anyone.

I expect the only reason he's told you about the children coming to London is that they have found evidence of you and they want to see him! He's trying to prevent them finding you, as much as he's limiting you finding them.

Interesting view on the large families. If after the third child the OP said no to more, would he move on to the next woman?

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 24/11/2023 10:30

He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids

When did this start to manifest itself? Before the first child? After the first child? The second? You are pregnant again. Why do you think he'll be any better a partner and father with this one? Men who scream and shout to get their own way - which is psychological abuse done to coerce and manipulate and wear down the other family members - and who take no interest in their children are not good people, let alone good fathers. You can be as shocked as you like about his past, but take some responsibility for the present you have helped to create.

Lulooo · 24/11/2023 10:34

As others have said, this really is a heck of a bombshell revelation and I wouldn’t trust a word coming from his mouth in the future.

I know I would walk. With this much mistrust, I think you have to re-evaluate your relationship and consider if there is anything keeping you with him going forth that is bigger than the lies and mistrust.