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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My life has just been flipped on its head

228 replies

Usia · 24/11/2023 01:27

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

OP posts:
TwinkleTwinkleTwinkleTwinkle · 24/11/2023 01:32

My first questions would be why did he lie to you ? What's the point? What happened to the mother of his children? Did you know he was married/ ltr before?

Original poster
Usia · 24/11/2023 01:33

I have no idea why he’d bloody lie?!! Who lies about having children?!!
He mentioned he’d been with someone for a while but they grew apart. If asked more he’d get cagey but I knew her name etc, nothing else seemed relevant.

OP posts:
Aphroditee · 24/11/2023 01:34

Wow that’s an awful lot for you to take in. You must be in shock.

Has he given a reason from keeping this from you?

Charliecatpaws · 24/11/2023 01:37

Bloody hell OP, I really don't know what to say. Do you have any support IRL? You must be reeling from this. Sending you most unmumsnetty hugs

RantyAnty · 24/11/2023 01:43

That's insane! How long have you been with him?

Could he still be married too?

blettedmedlar · 24/11/2023 01:45

I'm wondering if he's still married.

Original poster
Usia · 24/11/2023 01:46

Definitely possible - who knows !!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 24/11/2023 01:51

He's probably still married. There may be other families too.

Novelhelp · 24/11/2023 02:04

You can't believe anything he has told you now tbh.

Its too much to take in. I think if it was me, I would leave him and fight for full custody of the children. Regardless of your income, he should support them financially. From the children's point of view, they have rights to see him and may wish to stay in contact with him and even be with him when they are older.

You must be reeling. Do you have anybody that could be with you tomorrow?

junbean · 24/11/2023 02:14

My DD's father is doing this right now. He went to great lengths to conceal her existence. I still have no idea why. It's horrible and really hurtful! I can't imagine lying to everyone and living a lie. One should be proud of their children, what could possibly get in the way of that, I cannot understand.

Blueink · 24/11/2023 02:18

Oh no this is awful.

Of course, you can’t trust him as a partner and seems like he’s been a crap parent to his older DC, but unless there have been other red flags, better if he can maintain a relationship with your DC.

Delphinium20 · 24/11/2023 02:21

Dating a financially secure man who has children - especially kids who are teens and young adults and don't live in the same country - would not be a dealbreaker for a lot of women. I can't see any reason why he never mentioned this? It's absolutely insane! I would most definitely start a separation and get your financial ducks in a row. I'd also hire a private investigator to look more into his background. Can you call his ex-wife in Denmark? Surely, she may have some information to share!

lemmein · 24/11/2023 02:26

Delphinium20 · 24/11/2023 02:21

Dating a financially secure man who has children - especially kids who are teens and young adults and don't live in the same country - would not be a dealbreaker for a lot of women. I can't see any reason why he never mentioned this? It's absolutely insane! I would most definitely start a separation and get your financial ducks in a row. I'd also hire a private investigator to look more into his background. Can you call his ex-wife in Denmark? Surely, she may have some information to share!

I agree with this - it's more unusual for a man to reach his 50s without children, he's hid them for a reason- most likely married. Do you know any of their names? Have you checked social media?

Firefly2009 · 24/11/2023 02:26

I'm so glad you sent him to a hotel. You should be furious.
Don't worry about the future with access to the DC right now. Focus on the here and now and on yourself. If it were me, I'd chuck all of his stuff out, take his key/change the locks, take any joint money and spend it, and don't speak to him. Any future communication can be done via a solicitor.

The adult children's ages are quite close so maybe they are not even from one relationship. You can't trust another word he says so don't communicate with him. Revenge is a dish served cold. Having said that, if it were me I'd chuck his stuff onto the street or take it to the rubbish dump, or worse.

But I'm a bitch.

QueenCamilla · 24/11/2023 02:34

I once went all-out detective on a fresh date (something just didn't sit right with his grandiose self). Amongst all deceitful things the one that actually surprised me was this - he invented two kids he actually didn't have! Mind boggles.
Was probably lining me up for some future sob story?

OP, I'd definitely say that this sort of deceit would be characteristic of psychopaths - there are so many emotional levels to ignore to get there. So much empathy not felt.

I'm sorry he did this to you💐

user1492757084 · 24/11/2023 02:37

You can change nothing of the past but you can choose your future.
The only way you will learn more is if you meet up with him.
You need to go through the discomfort of speaking about everything in his past. He owes you hours of explanation, documentation, bank accounts details, passport proof etc .. until you are satisfied that he has left no stone unturned.

Consider meeting the kids and keeping their contact details in case your partner disappears.

How shocking and utterly terrible for you.

flexigirl · 24/11/2023 02:46

Oh god that's beyond crazy! How will you ever believe a word he says again? You must feel like your whole relationship is based on lies . It will be very hard to overcome I think. Sorry you are going through such an awful hurtful mess

Galiana · 24/11/2023 02:54

You didn't question a 51 year old man's 'childless background'?

Really?

WandaWonder · 24/11/2023 02:58

Galiana · 24/11/2023 02:54

You didn't question a 51 year old man's 'childless background'?

Really?

and this!

Duckingella · 24/11/2023 02:59

So he basically abandoned 5 kids who were then aged 12-18 when they were at a difficult stage in their lives as teenagers and needed a dad who has "reinvented" himself with a new young family.

Is he one of these men who get off on impregnating women?

My nieces mum ended up with a man like this;it wasn't until she was pregnant with their child that she discovered her "fiancé" had 4 children by 3 different women that he didn't see nor support with tales of the mothers of said children being evil harlots who kept his children from him.

He didn't quite move countries but did move counties; my nieces mum foolishly forgave him and married him then fell pregnant for a second time by him;he then had an affair and had a child with his new girlfriend when his youngest child with my nieces mum (who was in the process of divorcing this prince among men) was only 11 months old.

Don't be like my nieces mum who had the chance to ditch her lying shit of a then partner but didn't and ended up in an even worse situation.

WandaWonder · 24/11/2023 03:05

Duckingella · 24/11/2023 02:59

So he basically abandoned 5 kids who were then aged 12-18 when they were at a difficult stage in their lives as teenagers and needed a dad who has "reinvented" himself with a new young family.

Is he one of these men who get off on impregnating women?

My nieces mum ended up with a man like this;it wasn't until she was pregnant with their child that she discovered her "fiancé" had 4 children by 3 different women that he didn't see nor support with tales of the mothers of said children being evil harlots who kept his children from him.

He didn't quite move countries but did move counties; my nieces mum foolishly forgave him and married him then fell pregnant for a second time by him;he then had an affair and had a child with his new girlfriend when his youngest child with my nieces mum (who was in the process of divorcing this prince among men) was only 11 months old.

Don't be like my nieces mum who had the chance to ditch her lying shit of a then partner but didn't and ended up in an even worse situation.

Impregnating women? what they did not have a choice?

Choux · 24/11/2023 03:08

Think back to when you met him. If he had told you then that he had 5 kids age 12-18 that he had moved across Europe from because 'he just loved London' would you have seen him as long term relationship and father of your children material? I doubt it.

That's why he lied.

Has he really never seen them in those six years? Has he had weekends away from you when he could have been there to see them? Do they know they have two more siblings? Why are they coming to visit him now?

Firefly2009 · 24/11/2023 03:40

It's very odd that he decides to just tell you now. Unless he is completely deluded, he must have known you would lose it and kick him out. And why are they all visiting all of a sudden? The problem is that any explanation he gives will be difficult to believe. So I'd be going full-on detective. In a detached-what-the-hell-am-I-dealing-with kind of a way.

Grendell · 24/11/2023 03:42

Wow - that is a lot to take in!

I would be tempted to meet up with his adult children with him to obtain more information. You are going to be tied to him for years due to your children (unless he does the deadbeat dad thing again), so you might as well fill in the blanks.

thebestinterest · 24/11/2023 04:19

😭😳 op that’s mad. What an insanely bizarre thing to lie about… that’s something that follows
you.. your blood.. your offspring’s. How and why would you want to hide that? What?

I like to focus on the silver linings… the children having many siblings, but I know that’s likely hard for you, as you are in real pain right now.

I’m so sorry Xx

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