My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

I'd get a private investigator on this ASAP. See how many more lies he's been telling.

And tell him you want to go along to meet them. Even if it means pretending you are forgiving him. Because you need to find out who they are for your children's sake.

Ps: I bet he only told you this now so that you wpuld kick him out and not want to meet them this weekend. That way he can prevent you from learning whatever other lies he is telling. Or about how he treated them.

Tell him you need to meet them when they show up or he can forget about having any part in your life in future.

@Usia i have been in your position unfortunately. This will only be the tip of the lying iceberg. And he probably has other families elsewhere. Run for the hills with your kids. That’s what I’ve had to do.

1 in 5 women in the UK over 40 don't have children. Both of my brothers- in their 50s don't. It's not that unusual to be childless/free

Have you never met/talked to his family? Surely they knew about his other children

I would agree with this. There'll be a whole mass of tangled lies, half truths and bullshit

Hes a mixed up self absorbed unpleasant narcissistic wanker

@WandaWonder not an informed choice, no.

I remember my mum finding out on the bus that her dh had a child that he had never told her about on top of the 3 to ex wife. She was so hurt and felt a fool. But if a person can not mention 5 kids until he has too there will be more to uncover.
So the trust has gone but you still have 3 children to think about financially and hands on support? Is he on the birth certificates?

This is a good point, you need to meet them, they are your children’s siblings after all.

its up to you if about how many actual facts you need to know, but you need to think very carefully how you go forward. He’s covered up / lied big time this isn’t something you can get away from, I would be always watching and waiting for another skeleton to jump out.

the first big question is why are they all coming over now ?, it could be something as simple as they all have the time and money now, but it’s probably something more.

Oh my god. Are you a lot younger than him? Honestly that is unforgivable. You were badly deceived and need to cut him out completely. Yes, he is mad to keep this from you. Poor you three kids. I really hope you have some family or friends support.

Why has he told you now? Because he can't come up with a reason to disappear for a weekend?

He definitely won't have told you the full story. Liars, like this, only own up when they have and only own up to the bits they need to.

The fact is the relationship is dead. Even if you take him back, you won't ever be able to trust him or relax without expecting something else life changing to come out. Or for him to decide to he wants anogher new life and leave you and your kids. How old are you?

He has proved he is happy to lie to manipulate you into a relationship and into having children with him, without full knowledge of the situation. I think you would have been less happy to have 3 children with a man who left 5 teenage children because he really liked a city in a different country.

My dad did this - he worked away a lot and for years he told people his wife had died and he had no children. All while married to my mother, who was very much alive. I have 2 half siblings that I know of, and probably a few more scattered across the world I’ll never meet or know about.

i am so sorry this is happening to you.

If he had the oldest of these kids at 29, there's a good chance he had more kids before then. He could have a 32 year old!!

He lied because he is a selfish shit who wanted to hide the fact that he is a useless father who has no relationship with his children. He abandoned them. He is a horrible human being and he tried to cover that up.

Just take it one day at a time.

Abandoning his kids and lying about them is one of the worst things you can do and it’s very likely he has lied about many other things too.
Obviously you can never trust him again.

I wouldn’t stop him seeing his kids because that would be unfair to them but be prepared that once he finds someone new, he will probably do the exact same thing as his other kids.

I would try and get their names and so in the future if you want to contact them on SM you can but you won’t be their priority right now and you may not feel up to talking to them until you’ve got your head round it all.
Nothing they can say will make this situation better.

An ex mine of lied about the number of children he had. It also turned out he was still married to the mother of the middle three - he had, at the last count, seven kids with three different women. We were together three years and engaged when I found out - and that was only because I found some CSA paperwork about what he was paying her!

Luckily I didn't have children with him myself. None of his kids speak to him now (the eldest is in her twenties and has children of her own that he's never met).

This won't be all he's kept from you.

Absolutely this.
I know a large amount of 50-60 year olds who never had children.
Very narrow minded to assume childless middle aged people are unusual/lying.. Though obviously in this case he was.

@Galiana You must live a small life to not know lots of childless men, about 20% never have kids. Also why be so mean to the OP do you get a kick out of knocking a pregnant woman when she's in shock?!

Don’t be an arsehole. My brother is 53 and has never had kids. Never wanted to. My best friend, 52 has never wanted kids either. She has dogs and her partner has never had kids either and he’s 56. It does happen.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry.

Given the age gap between the newly disclosed 5 and the gaps between your 3, I sense the impregnator has some more children somewhere.

If interested, I’d be looking for the missing children in the third country he lived in.

As @Pinkbonbon says, he’s dropped this bomb now to cover the rest of his mess.

I'm so sorry. That's insane.

Its not unusual for people in their 50s not to have kids. That's a ridiculous comment.

On a brighter note, if you can prove that he’s married to someone else, you can charge him with bigamy and your marriage will be invalid. No need to drag out a complicated divorce.

She can’t cut him out completely, they have children together.

How old are you OP?