My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

Well the one thing I would say here is if he wants to see them, are you going to go with him?

It would be a good idea to try and get an idea of what the fuck hes playing at.

Get to a solicitor op, today if you can, before he starts concealing more of
his financial assets (they probably are already concealed to a degree). Your children will need financial support. I am so sorry that you are going through this stress, especially when pregnant, what an absolute bastard he is.

Get family and friends on board. Don’t try and protect him. Gather a close ring of friends around you. Only communicate through a lawyer from now on.

I’m sorry, I hate to say it, but you need to check if he is on the sex offender register as well.

I’m glad you know many fit people in their 60s and 70s - I too see plenty in my gym. But they are very much the exception.

On average, if a woman has a baby with a 52 year-old man, he is more likely to be struck with ill health (thus limiting his contribution to child rearing) or die by the time the child is barely into adulthood, than if she had a baby with a younger man. This is a fact. My original post was just highlighting the risk of choosing an older dad for your baby. Perhaps I should have suffixed it with “Not all older dads”.

He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids (odd since he was the one who wanted to be a dad so badly). But generally he’s very loving and supportive

He's loving and supportive but he shouts and takes no interest in the kids?🤔

He's obviously a complete wanker, I'd not let him back, you can't trust him.

there are some men who get off on making women pregnant, having loads of kids and buggering off at the point where the mother/kids get more demanding to start all over again with someone else. Hate to say it but when Jeremy Kyle used to be on, there would be a lot of older blokes like this who had 10 kids from 6 women and just carried on going. Just because he has money makes him no different! He's an utter disgrace and I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation

But @Usia if he's an enraged screamer and shouter when he doesn't get his own way, he is NOT loving and supportive.

I think that if he didn't work away so much (who else does he have on the go?) you would have seen a LOT more of the enraged screamer.

I think it's over. Sorry, it must be a horrible shock.

Get to a solicitor op, today if you can, before he starts concealing more of
his financial assets (they probably are already concealed to a degree)

You know he’s only her boyfriend, right? I doubt he’s particularly concerned about her going after his assets. We don’t even know the housing situation, hopefully that’s an easy split.

The blithe way that four kids are coming over to see their dad makes me wonder whether he's not been an 'absent dad' as we are assuming, but has been very much present in their lives and they are just coming to visit where he lives currently. So he could have been running two families concurrently, rather than abandoning the first family, or being a separated 'dad overseas' who visits the kids as and when he's able, rather than dumping and running.

There is a book called “the Bigamist” by Mary Turner Thomson that might give you some comfort right now OP. By a woman who has 2 kids with a man who said he was childless, turned out he had kids all over the world. She wrote it to show that even intelligent people can be duped. It’s also made into a documentary on ITVX called “the other Mrs Jordan”.

He's a relationship fraudster.

I have experience of this.

He sees women as fulfilling a function in his life, not as people in their own right. That is why he is able to lie to you.

He constructed a false narrative as he felt that was most likely to get you where he wanted you in his life.

You can never believe anything he tells you. The only thing you can ever be sure of about what he tells you, is that he feels it benefits him to tell you that.

As his lies become unstuck he will tell you whatever he feels he has to, to get you on side again. He will give you a little bit extra information to make you feel he is being completely honest with you.

He seemed upset, telling me he regretted walking away...But generally he’s very loving and supportive

Yep, mine was like this too. Could sound so upset, so sincere. All to make you feel he's a nice guy really, a sympathetic guy who made a terrible mistake. And yes, so loving, so supportive.

I'm sorry its all an act from a fraudster.

My bet is that he's still married. What a twat! Sorry, OP.

I would absolutely bet my house that you still don't have anywhere near the full story from him.

This sounds very familiar ( Maltese/danish man) I dated maybe 15/20 years ago now. If he's a dentist I would get money it's the same guy.

You’ve been together 6 years and your oldest is 4? So you got pregnant pretty quickly, and you’re saying he shows little interest in his kids but you had a 2nd and you’re pregnant again? Wow.

The guy is a bad father to your children, it isn’t a surprise he doesn’t see his other “surprise” kids. Sounds like a shit head really.

Good luck with the mess but whatever you do, don’t get back with him.

Well well well, I'm not sure why I'm still updating but I think it is helping me process.
I messaged the eldest two on Facebook and they both replied, they told me they knew I existed as "this is what he does". I asked if they would be willing to meet me for coffee and just give me some truths as I know their dad won't. It was an awkward coffee, eldest 3 showed, 4th didn't want to and youngest in the states.
What I have learnt

• He wasn't living in Denmark immediately before we met, he left Denmark 16 years ago but maintained a relationship with them all.
• There parents never married, they are pretty sure he doesn't marry to protect himself financially
• He has 2 older children (Norway), A child a similar age to the 2nd of these 5 (Canada), 1 who is about 14 (Netherlands). They are pretty sure there are more in the 6-14 age range, living who knows where!!!
• His parents have passed away, as have his siblings
• Their mum passed away in 2021, which is why he is more involved with them
• He has put the 5 Danish kids through uni (The 2nd eldest studied in and lives in London - so she has been here the whole time!!)
• They think he will probably move elsewhere now

I'm perplexed and raging and so upset. My sister came for coffee with me and is raging too. The split should be easy, we aren't married, he isn't on the house or mortgage and It was my house before he moved in. I'm so lost and have no idea what to do with myself. From what I can tell the 5 danish kids don't take too much interest in their half-siblings as there are too many of them.

My god, OP. You must be reeling. And other children elsewhere too. A relationship faker indeed. There've been several TV dramas about men like this over the last few years.

My only thought would be to turn my back on him and pursue every single penny you're entitled to.

(Is he a dentist?)

@Galiana honestly I always wonder about me who are nearing 40 and have no kids.... but 51? The whole thing is bizarre. Why haven't his kids been coming to visit? I disagree with a poster who said it wouldn't of been a deal breaker for them... 4 kids is a lot. Total deal breaker for me!

So that’s 9 excluding yours!? Jesus! One thing that does stand out is that he’s put these 5 kids through uni so he does at least seem to have some sense of responsibility.

My god. This guy is a fantasist.
I'm so sorry for all of these poor children, and for you, as it looks like you've ended up with someone who just wants to personally re-populate the country.
Take care. I hope you have real life support.

I'm sorry to hear that your partner has lied to you so badly but just wanted to say how brave you are being.

You will cope whatever happens

OP I'm not sure everyone on the thread is grasping the seriousness of what he's done.
If he'd married along the way he'd be a bigamist. Which is a criminal offence virtually everywhere in the west.
I really hope you're ok. And the fact that you're pregnant again, too. This is really shocking, and I wish you well, and thank god your sister is there to support you.

Thank you for continuing to update. Yours is possibly the most shocking post I've ever read on Mumsnet. You seem to be an incredibly capable and intelligent person and you will get through this. Well done contacting the kids.

So, 9 confirmed kids elsewhere and suspected more kids in the younger age range. Then your 2 plus another one the way.

Wow.

What do you wonder? Are you not aware it's perfectly normal not to have children?