My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

You poor girl I am so sorry; I have been through something similar, entirely different lies but essentially finding out that my husband of 25 years had told a huge lie about something very important (and awful) and had withheld other information about something that hugely affected us as a family, except I didn't know that it was happening.

The loss of trust is dreadful, and impossible to come back from - I cannot now believe a word he says, ever. I divorced him as there was no way we could patch any of it up, and I don't think he even realises that I know about the first thing, it's something I have worked out/realised over time.

You are doing the right thing, look after you and the children first, last and everywhere in-between. If you can, I wouldn't agonise too much over what the "truth" about him actually is, he has lied so comprehensively that you can't believe anything any more, and what he has lied about is so bad that more of it won't actually matter, it'll just add to your incredulity.

Good solicitor, Women's Aid for help getting away from him (my ex is also abusive, and threatened all sorts when he realised I was serious about him leaving), and try not to give a moment's thought to what your partner says or appears to need now, he is not your problem any more.

You will get through this, use the shock, anger and adrenaline to keep you going for the next little while, and try and take care of yourself as much as you can. xx

Well you can't believe a thing he says sadly. Some men are very good at lying. I suspect he's still married, hence the 'it's only a piece of paper'. Focus on counselling for you as this is a massive thing to deal with, and your children.

I know you want answers, but you won't be able to believe anything he says so I'm afraid its about looking at what sort of maintenance he can pay. You also need to be prepared for him to fuck off back to Denmark or Malta to avoid paying anything. So a lawyer would be a good staring point.

OP you need some serious professional support here. You're in a potentially very vulnerable position if he owns the house.

Agree re PP to get a private investigator in - you need to find out if he's still married or not.

Speak with Women's Aid.

Get a solicitor.

He's lied to you about the kids and his life in general; he is not a nice man and he does not have your best interests at heart, nor that of your children. You need to protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry, what an awful situation.

I agree with this. Having three kids with someone you barely knew before the first was conceived was quite a risk.

Having 3 children with a much older man you hardly know is an even bigger risk. He will be, what, 52 when OP’s youngest is born? How involved in child rearing do you think he is going to be (especially given his track record of abandoning children)?

Is he one of these men who get off on impregnating women?

This.
Some men really do scatter kids around like mad.
The women obviously want them, ( the children) but a “ Secret “ family- I bet he’s still married.

So potentially a bigamist.

What a charmer.

It sounds to me like he's telling you now as he's preparing you for other things that might come out or be about to happen!

The deal breaker for me is what sort of man denies or avoids the existence of his children for 6 years. Not a genuine loving one.

Be thankful for small mercies. You are financially independent from him.

This is why it's so important to meet people's long term friends and family before making any sort of commitment to them. People's history is important.

All you can do is pick yourself up and dust yourself down. I feel for you.

Why have you kept having kids with a father who has no interest in them?

Is he often on "business trips" by any chance?

I may be way out of line here, but if a woman is a certain age or above she will go all in with a man she would normally take it slowly with, if they say they want kids.

I guess if you get ' child promise bombed' by a man and you feel time is running out to start a family, then certain red flags may be missed.

I'm really not victim blaming honestly, the mans actions are despicable and psychotic, but maybe there is a cautionary tale somewhere here?

He sounds horrendous. Why would he not tell you he had children?

Eh!?! I started a relationship with a 47 year old man with no children. I didn’t “question it”.

So every man in his 50s has kids? What a load of shit.

@Wilkolampshade think you’re totally right. Also, like you say, he lied about OPs place in her life. Like when they had their first kid together, did he pretend he was new to it? They shared that first foray into parenthood together but actually he’s already done it - FIVE times?! So it’s not just the original lie…it’s the acting skills he’s needed to keep this up.

unless he was not at all involved with the other kids, he had changed nappies, done all those firsts before. It’s hard to pretend you have no knowledge of kids if you actually do.

plus he has temper tantrums, secret kids and works away a lot. Really isn’t the basis for a good relationship.

Yeah don’t worry, just the typical ageist crap. All older men without kids must be evil and actually have hidden kids out there.

society expects everyone to fit a neat little box and some buy into it big time

The significant number of women on here acting like this isn’t a massive issue is why as a sex this will keep happening to us.

Such a low fucking bar.

This is an awful thing to sweepingly say. I have an older dad. Had kids with an older dad. And have plenty of friends who have had kids as “older dads” and they so good and involved. They don’t fuck around going out and drinking with their mates. They absolutely appreciate their kids on a level younger dads just don’t.

plus they’re 50 not 100! Running around, playing football and all the rest but with the added benefit that they have something precious they feel they almost missed out on so cherish it deeply.

Run.

Just in addition to everyone pointing out how stupid this comment is, the OP literally said "he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy".

So she did.

It isn’t an awful thing to say. It is a fact that the risk of ill health and death increases with age. Not many 65 year-olds will be fit and healthy enough to play football with their 13 year-old son. Men have a lower life expectancy as well, so the chances of him seeing his younger children get married and have their own children is slim. Of course he could live to 100 and stay in good nick his whole life etc. but unfortunately that is just not very likely, statistically speaking.

I can't imagine how you hurt and betrayed and angry and discombobulated you must be feeling right now. What a weird situation. I would definitely NEED to know why he lied and what else he's hiding if I was you. I'd be tempted to meet up with the kids and get their side of the story.

I hope you've got friends and family around who can support you as nobody needs this level of stress at any time, let alone while pregnant.

How old are you? You speak like a 18 year old who thinks they’ll never age.

That’s just a bit much isn’t it… looking out at the street right now there are literally tonnes of over 60s who are striding down it happily. I mean I literally just did an exercise class this morning with 20 women, most of who are in their 70s, who are doing just fine.

even if you do die off before a kid gets married (which less and less people are doing nowadays so don’t see why this is the unmissable event) I’d SO much rather that they had a loving engaged dad. My dad is both loving and engaged. He’s well into his 70s and is now carrying my children around on his back and doing projects with them. And he’s never exercised particularly and loves too much cake.

you don’t get to pick how old your dad is, but you also don’t get to pick how loving your dad is. So I’m a big supporter of choosing good men, regardless of their age or “statistical likelihood” of turning into a haggard old immovable zombie at the age of 65.

It's strange why they are all suddenly coming to meet him, have they lost their mother or something along those lines? Surely, financially it would make sense for him to go see them. Unless there are reasons he would be unwelcome there.

Either way, I'd seriously have my guard up. If he isn't that close with your little ones, I'd have no problem with cutting things off even just for now and telling him to do some soul searching build bridges with his other kids. They must have felt abandoned and have held onto issues with him leaving.

Look out for yourself and your kids, that's too big a mess to even begin to deal with right now. Get some space and some family/support around you. Wishing you all the best!

Forget about the holiday and start removing this man from your life.

I hope you are safe op and you have someone with you in RL to support you.