My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

I think this is quite common actually. Plenty of men don’t see their kids, and when they meet a new partner they know they’ll be judged for it. So they either say the ex is a psycho who blocks contact, or they pretend the kids don’t exist. Because let’s face it, even the stupidest men know that it’s not a great chat-up line - “hey babe, I really like you, let’s start a family, oh and by the way I’ve abandoned my existing kids and have no contact with them”. Most women are put off by that.

He may already be married but he may not have married any of the previous women which would make it easier to walk away from his kids.

If he’s been with OP for 6 years, this kids would have been so young when he fucked off. It’s really sad.

Im so sorry OP. It’s weird this pattern if wanting kids then taking no responsibility for them.

But it's a relationship based completely on lies? Lies about his history, lies about her place in his life, lies about why he lived where he did when he did, lies about his children - ALL of them! Doesn't matter whether he bought her flowers or took her to dinner ffs, - he's a pathological liar and quite probably psychopathic. The temper tantrums OP mentions and the fact he's not very interested in the children now they're here, plus the 'working away' AND, very significantly, won't get married points rather clearly to him winding up to starting yet another family, if he hasn't already done so.

I may be naïve, but I would like to think there are more 51 year old men who just don't have children than there are 51 year old men with at least five secret children and an ex wife in Sweden.

Not an informed choice, probably, no.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What an absolute arse.

There's no need to make any decisions yet - you take all the time you need, to ask all the questions and work out your feelings. But don't let him just run off. Make him accountable for what he's done and don't let him squirm out of any questions. A kind of self-preservation can take over where you might resist asking the questions and hearing the real answers - be as brave as you can be. You need the truth. And he will lie and lie at first so that it doesn't all seem so awful. He needs to understand that you can't contemplate a future without knowing the whole truth.

I'd bet 100k he's still married, otherwise why the reluctance to marry you?

I think I'd definitely try to contact the children or the wife, just for clarity.

"He works away a lot" is often a cover for these types of men, god knows what he's up to. So sorry for you OP.

Why would OP challenge a 51 year old man who said he had no children? How would she have done that without looking batshit herself?

He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids

So a shit partner & father really!

If he's lying about his kids what else is he lying about ? Annnddd of all the idiotic lies that men (it's mainly men) tell, I have no idea why he would like about them.

I couldn't be with someone that lied about having children. Absolute deal breaker.

I know lots of adults without children

Wow what a shock

Please don’t tell he claims to work for the government or similar on secret work he can’t talk about

He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids (odd since he was the one who wanted to be a dad so badly). But generally he’s very loving and supportive

We are our own worst enemies when we believe tripe like this.

A very angry man who shouts and screams when he doesn’t get his way and has no interest in his children is not GENERALLY VERY LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE.

Jeez OP that's a whole web of lies. I'm so sorry. I suspect you may never know the whys and wherefores of this which will be very hard to deal with.

Just put of curiosity, was your first child an accident or planned? Just if he's only been in the country 6 years and your eldest is 4, if you met him immediately on arrival you would have only been together just over a year when you conceived. Which is fairly fucking nuts to do with someone in a new country anyway, at his age - what was he thinking, to not tell you then?? Or at least before any subsequent pregnancies??

I don’t think that’s odd at all. I know lots of men in their 50s without children.

He’s a pathological liar.

How old are you?

I’m not sure what I would do with three young kids to support.

It is a story worthy of an Oscar.

The first thing I would do is meet his children without him and ask them how they feel about their Dad.

He's only told you because his two worlds are colliding now his kids are coming to London. And he is supposed to be going on holiday with you.

The only way to get out of leaving town so he can see them is to tell you about them. And he's told you 24 hours before they arrive to max the chances that you are too shocked to meet them.

I would put money on these 5 kids knowing nothing of you and your children. He won't let you meet them. You have said that he has kept in touch with these kids but not seen them for six years but he shows hardly any interest in your kids despite living with them.

When he works a lot does this involve trips away from London? Could he possibly still be very much in this family's lives but Dad / husband?has to work away from Scandinavia only visit sporadically? It would not surprise me if you are the secret side family and this man is still married / living in the family home over there.

Sorry but you've been very foolish. Starting a family with an old man, unmarried, angry, and takes no interest your dc and you're pregnant again. What's to stop him going back to his home country and you being left to support 3dc?

I understand this advice is well intentioned. But someone who has told and lived a lie every single day for 5 years is not going to come clean overnight .

Even if he pretends to be telling you everything, it will just be a new set of lies.

For people like this, there is no such thing as “ the truth “. There is just whatever they think will serve them best at that time.

I was married with three kids when I discovered a similar magnitude of lie from my then Husband. like you Op I had small children but I was foolish enough to be financially dependent on him .

So I believed all his apologies and accepted that he had now come clean “ I feel so much better now I’ve told you everything “. I stayed with him for the sake of keeping a roof over my kids heads and a father in their life.

Second worst decision I have ever made.

I then went through it all again. It was just more lies and deceptions that came out over the next few years . Sunken costs fallacy - so I stayed.

When I eventually left it took me YEARS to divorce him and I found out even more lies, theft and deceptions. My children are now adults and have some very limited contact with him ( their choice ). And he’s still lying, cheating and conning women.

My advice is get the hell out of these and never see him again. Men like that don’t bring anything good into their children’s lives.

My kids now have nothing but pain. They have never had a penny in child maintenance from him.

He’s a liar and a con man .

im sorry you are going through something similar, I know what a shock it is.

People here will tell you that you need to find out why he did it ( as if there is a good reason ) . I can tell you right now what the reasons was - because he’s a liar and a deceiver.

Because the lies and the deceit and the abandonment worked for him.

And yes he will do it to your kids as well, whenever he wants to. It’s just a matter of time. it’s who he is.

OP. So very sorry this had happened to you. IME he will continue to lie, even now. You're beginning to find some cracks in his story already I think? It'll be a close enough story to cover the worst of his behaviour, but it'll miss significant chunks out. It'll be layer on layer of lies. You'll feel you can never trust him again and I think you're probably right.
I'm not sure I could meet the other children, you're very brave here I think, although they may be able to fill in the blanks for you?
A similar thing happened to a friend and she found it incredibly hard because he hadn't just taken away their future, he'd taken away their past - it suddenly seemed nothing she remembered of their time together could be real. What kept her together, I think, was the love and strength of bond she had with her children. That's real.
All the unmumsnetty hugs in the world.

I think you need to take your time but when you have a chance to think I would consider talking to him and his family members. It sounds like he kept them a secret from you and you from them. Maybe it’s due to him not wanting to put you off in the early days. Maybe it’s more than that. Going forward you need honesty. Maybe there is some kind of fall out or secret. It could be that because of whatever reason he doesn’t see them he doesn’t like himself. Maybe he didn’t want that from you either. The only way you will get the answers is by talking to him and his children but take your time.

I think you need to play a long game here, and find out where the mother(s) is/are. And why he has not been in his kids' lives through their teen years.
His lies are not going to stop him being entitled to see your children, so you need to find out if he is actually a danger to them or 'just' a monumental shit.

Reading further posts, has made me think.

he is obviously still married to the children’s mother which will leave you and your children in a difficult position if anything happens to him. Does he own the house. Or is it in joint names ? Either way his wife/children will have a claim.

I personally would contact the children, just an up beat hi, looking forward to be able to finally meet you message don’t go into any details, just literally hi. Give the impression you knew about them , and see what they say.

as for him, get legal advice fast, today, keep him at arms length whilst softly getting info from the children and sorting your legal position. Tell him you need time.

I know of someone who has multiple children and they don’t know about each other. I know the youngest who is in his 20s now. The dad has children from previous marriages in the US, UK & Australia then had another child (the one I know) later in life. Apparently none of his children know about each other even though he’s in all their lives, they are all different ages and scattered around the globe. I’m friends with a family member of his, all his family know but don’t see it as their place to tell any of the children about each other. There is very much a cultural aspect to this case. The reason the children all lived in different countries is because he paid for a private western education for them all.

My Ex H had a child I knew nothing about until years after we divorced. The mother of his DD who I was step-mum to had no idea either.