My life has just been flipped on its head

[Usia]

Im so bloody mad I don’t even know what to do!

My partner isn’t from the UK, he’s from Malta, but for most of his adult life lived in Norway and Denmark, always tells me he just loved London and that’s why he moved here 6 years ago. He’s 51, we have 2 children (4 and 22 months) and I’m 18 weeks pregnant, he says he always wanted a big family and never had kids as work was so busy - well what a whole load of stupid lies!!!
Tonight he sat me down and told me he had to confess - right ok? HE HAS 5 CHILDREN. Yes that’s right - he has 5 kids back in Denmark, ages 24, 22, 21, 20 and 18. Apparently the 4 eldest are in London this weekend and want to see him for the first time in 6 years!!!!! WHAT.
Im so so mad. I’ve never met his family, claims he is an only child (who knows) and his parents are dead (are they).
He said he’s kept in touch with them, they’ve all moved abroad for uni/work, his youngest can’t come as she goes to uni in America?!!
He has money and I work so we’ve never pooled money there was no need, so he claims he’s been sending them money too.
I’ve sent him to a bloody hotel I never want to see his face again - why would he do this?!!
I don’t even want him near our kids - what’s he going to do not see them for 6 years and traumatise them too??
What do I do now? We can’t recover from this right? He is psychotic? Can I keep my kids from him or do I just hope he jets off elsewhere and leaves us to it??!
AIBU to feel like the world has just imploded on itself and wonder what the actual fuck is wrong with him!?
Why would he lie?!!

I don't think they are married.

I'm glad you kicked him out, but I would really want to talk to those children.

There are 51 year old men who don't have kids - I know a few! That isn't a red flag.

All very strange. I wonder why he's told you now? He could have met them without telling you, or claimed they were his nephews/nieces. I'm not sure of I'd even believe him about this to be honest.

Hi @Usia,

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. This sounds awful and very difficult.

You cannot lie about the absence of 5 children without a lot of other supporting lies. You are right to question his other family relationships - siblings / parents / etc as he lied to stop you finding out more about his life.

I would suggest immediate counselling for you - so you have someone neutral who can reflect the truth back to you when he inevitably starts lying to you again. I would ask him to provide details of his children- as your own will want to know about those relationships later in life. I would take legal advice so you know how you can survive if you choose to split up.

I would not consider resuming any relationship with him until there is full complete disclosure including death certificates of parents (my husbands parents died - he keeps them as a significant document as he’s not even an only child), marriage certificates, birth certificates etc. He is a trained and convincing liar and keeping in your life without dealing with this head on will harm your children.

Im really sorry you’re having to face this. Best wishes for your pregnancy.

He sounds a player. I also wonder if he uses contraception often. You might need an STI check.

Good god this is dreadful.

If he's capable of abandoning his children like that, and lying about their existence then unfortunately this isn't the only lie. Sadly I would suspect he's still married.

Something has made him tell you now but I doubt it's that he feels guilty. Something else is up.

Sorry OP, that's such a shock! You were right to kick him out!

My dad did this. He and my mum were married for 20 years (horrible relationship tbh and they should have split sooner as he was abusive and violent to her). Anyway, they split when I went to uni, and a little while after that he wrote her a letter to tell her he actually had 4 older kids who he'd basically abandoned when he moved from up north. My mum literally had no idea, and he kept it from her for 20 years! Imagine lying for all that time, day in, day out!
And the PP which mentioned the psychopath characteristics, that's spot on. Years later I was reading a book about psychopaths and it included the Hare's checklist of 20 personality traits, and my dad ticked most of the boxes. Obvs I'm NC with him and my life is far happier for it.

I hope you find a way through this OP and come out of it stronger. Xx

I'm so sorry. This is absolutely shocking and I hope you have some real life support. I'm not sure what else to say other than you and your children deserve better.

He lied to you because when you met he was 45 with 5 teenage kids and you wouldn't have settled down with him. I think you need to be at this meet - its the only way to get the truth and find out why they are all coming to see him and why he is telling you now. And then walk away.

Yes I also thought this - does he actually have FIVE kids? Their ages are so close together too?! Or is this a lie?

how was he when he told you? Like how did he approach it? And was he asking you permission to see them or if you fancied coming along? Or what?! Did he want them to stay at your place?

how is he other than this? Red flags?

my Lord. You’ll get through this. Find out everything so your kids know exactly who their dad is.

also don’t let him guilt you in anyway - men like this will often twist it ie try make you look like some wicked step mother who won’t welcome his poor children from a previous marriage or something similar. Just be prepared for his guilt to wear off quicker than you’d imagine and be replaced with gaslightiness where he tries to paint you as the villain.

look after yourself love - we’ve all made mistakes and trusted liars.

I’ve got nothing of any added value to say other than to offer you a virtual hand hold. You’ve got every right to be fucking apoplectic.

Thank you everyone. I’ve sat up all night trying to investigate some more.
He gave me their names (well I asked when I was in a state of shock). I couldn’t find them just using his surname, eventually I found one of them on LinkedIn (I think it’s her as the name is double-barrelled with a distinctly Danish surname and she is the first with his surname that wasn’t from Italy or Malta). Using her full name I found 3 of them on Facebook and all of them on Instagram.
What I have noted is they are all friends with two people on Facebook who have the same surname as my partner - a popular surname in Malta but not so much the nordics. They have their home city as where he lived in Norway before moving to Copenhagen. The dates don’t quite add up (one of them is younger than his eldest 2 I think). I’m thinking they are probably 2 other hidden children from before/while he was with his partner in Copenhagen. I’m also now thinking they may not have been married as all the kids have double-barrelled surnames (though notably the youngest only identifies by the danish one on instagram I think).
If I’ve uncovered this then what the hell else is there to uncover?!!!!! How many siblings do my children have ??
I’m wondering if the mother of these newly uncovered children is even the mother he was telling me about or is there someone/several others filling in the gap between him moving here and the 18 year old??!!
Im half tempted to message his children but what would I even say? I tried to type a message and just couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t your father is a dirty sleazy lying pig - and I think they already know that !!!!

I do hope you’ve managed a rest and have family or friends to support you.

I think you need to ensure legally you are most defo financially ok. Whose name is the house under? Have you a will.

Sadly I don’t think you can come back from this. You’d never trust him and you would always be asking why, why, why.

He most definitely owes you an explanation. Although be prepared for him to be believing his own lies. He actually will. Remember he has lived his lie/ story for so long it’s near on true for him.

To ask to meet the older children I think would be good as these are also siblings of your children. Would be interesting to see their reaction if you explain you knew nothing of them. These individuals may well end up sources of support to you in the future.

please take care of yourself as best you can.

More importantly, are you married to him?

No I’m not - he was always “what does it matter only a piece of paper at the end of the day”. I’d been married before when I was younger (we never had kids together) so wasn’t too bothered about that.

Perhaps you could message them to say you know they are coming to London to see their father, and you are a friend of his and would like to meet with them? You might get the opportunity to speak to them on the phone or in person.

He seemed upset, telling me he regretted walking away … never actually telling me why he lied!!! Pretty sure he only told me as we are meant to be going on holiday tomorrow but that would interrupt his dinner!
He’s a very angry man if he doesn’t get his way, not physically abusive but a screamer/shouter. He takes almost no interest in the kids (odd since he was the one who wanted to be a dad so badly). But generally he’s very loving and supportive. He works a lot which I guess makes it easy to keep up a lie !!

I agree it’s very likely he is still married.
And there’s probably more. I don’t see why he would lie only about that- it’s such a big one and an unnecessary one that I expect he is lying about something else possibly a bigger thing. You absolutely cannot trust him now- sorry you have gone through this what a huge shock. I would be inclined to hire a private detective and see what he finds out, or even speak to the police. Are you certain of his name etc? Seems daft but I think given the situation it’s possible there are many lies and you don’t know who he is at all. I might be inclined to meet his kids and get their contact details at least.

Wow, what a prick. But I don't think it justifies trying to keep him from seeing his kids. He's still their Dad.

Doesn’t look like she’d have to try very hard.

A good friend was around 13 when she discovered her father had multiple children in different countries. It has taken her many years to make sense of her family, connections and has struggled with her identity since. Its a very difficult process to comprehend that you have siblings, it raises so many questions and complications. I'd recommend getting lots of support around your children so they can try to absorb this news. I don't recommend meeting them en masse or some sort of fake happy family situation. Support your kids and what they need whilst they navigate having been lied to etc. It's awful to have your whole life been lied to and for you to have poured your effort, hopes and dreams into someone who hid their true self

Definitely meet them and as hard as this is for you let them have a relationship with their siblings. All the children/young adults are innocent victims in this. Don’t punish them because their dad is an arsehole.
I am sorry this has happened to you.
I have been on the other side (my children were the secret children) and their so called ‘dad’ hid them from his first partner and she had a baby.
He then had a baby with someone else and she knew about all his children but he still didn’t see them and she was happy with that.
Now all the children are older I do everything I can to encourage a positive relationship between them. Yes, it’s tough but they are all such sweet children.

OP, in your shoes I would be getting a private investigator, a good councellor and also giving Women's Aid a call for advice on how to safely leave. The bit about his temper and the lie are worrying, and ending a relationship can be a vulnerable time.

Anything else, intros between children etc can wait.

Before this, what was your relationship like, where you generally happy? You've had an awful shock, but if I had a good relationship, I'd be asking to meet to discuss it - you'll have time to work out what you really want to know, especially why he didn't feel able to tell you - as said previously, could have been he was worried you wouldn't be interested in a man with a few children.

What a bastard. What a shock for you. I would definitely want to dig further.