DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

Also it's a £500k house not a fucking luxury palace.

He nedds to stop going on like Lord Bountiful because he permits the mother of his child and his son to live in his £500k house.

The massive fucking bellend.

Still no answer on why he's paying 2.5k a month school fees AND maintenance.

That really makes no sense given his financial attitude.
Could he be married Op or have something in his past he’s anxious to pay her hush money to hide.
The amount he says he’s paying in fees seem very high for a day school up north eg Stonyhurst full boarding is that price.
You don’t appear to know much about him despite length of time together.

Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
You will end up with nothing.
You really would be better off leaving this non relationship

And this is why you should never trust anyone else to "take care" of your financial future. Educate yourself, research options, get independent advice, have frank discussions about contributions in relationships and what is fair.

This is so important.

@wibblewobblequack This is your ghost of Christmas future if you stay with this man.

But it's not too late to change things. You're not yet 40. You still have time to move out, rent a property you can actually afford to live in with your child and boost your income by claiming child benefit and child maintenance. In time you will be able to clear your debts and start building up savings again. You'll be able to buy your own place eventually and save for your own retirement. When you're not doing school drop offs and pick ups for his daughter you'll have more time to spend on your son, your masters, your career.

If you stay with this man you won't be able to do any of these things. You'll be scrimping and saving to enable him to build his nest egg at your expense.

This can't be said too many times.

If he refuses to pay towards to cost of raising the child that you share when you are living under his roof, you need to live under your own roof and then the CMS will force him to pay towards the cost of raising his child.

If you don't move out you will be trapped in a relationship with this horrible man until such time as he decides he wants to move on. And then you will be homeless and penniless.

This is no life, OP. Not for you, not for your son.

Spell it out to him.

"We're not a family. If we were a family my name would be on the deeds of the house that I enabled you to buy and all our shared costs including the mortgage, bills and childcare for OUR child would be paid for out of a joint account that we would both have full access to. If we were a family you and I would have equal spending money. If we were a family you wouldn't be deliberately keeping our finances separate so that if you one day decide you don't want to be with me any more you will be able to throw me out onto the street, keeping your assets for yourself and leaving me with nothing but the debt I have incurred giving birth to and paying for our child all by myself. Now either you put me on the deeds of this house, open a joint bank account with me and ideally marry me, or I am done."

At some point he convinced me that it was better for me not to go on the mortgage, and that he could just put me on the deeds to the same result

Hang on, @wibblewobblequack, so are you saying that although you're not on the mortgage you're actually on the deeds?

Because if so that would make a heck of a difference to your position - and if not, why would you choose to move into that "dream house" without being on either?

Exactly dixie
Can't find any day school in the north charging 30k a year.

No op. He has TWO properties which thanks to YOU he's managed to pay down the mortgages on, protecting HIMSELF and giving HIMSELF security and a pension. And NOTHING for you!!!!

Sorry about the capitalisation but your thread is making me extremely and unusually cross. You are constantly rationalising his abuse and defending his choices. Your self worth is at zero. At this rate I'm sorry to say but your son will grow up in a toxic home witnessing abuse of his mum by a father who "huffs" at the prospect of caring for him. Just what exactly do you think that's going to do to your little boy? Distort his feelings of self worth and his views of healthy relationships. He'll either end up needing years of therapy to overcome the dynamics in his home or he'll watch and learn to become the abuser himself. But at least he will have lived in a nice house!!

I can see what your DP gets from this relationship but what about you?
With a child, you should be a team
Expenses should be shared and with your income disparity, costs should not be halved leaving you struggling and him quids in
You're being too accommodating to your detriment
If he threw you out one day, you would be homeless
Please think very carefully and protect your own interests because he never will

@MrsKeats & @Dixiechickonhols

To throw something else in to the mix. Maybe far fetched but...This is all a plan from him and his ex. A weird one, but nowt so queer as folk. Saw op coming. Use her to make sure their kid could stay in private school. Rinse her whilst paying off 3 properties between them. Send money to 'ex' to keep it away from op. Get her to do childcare. Once no longer needed, dump. Run off in to the sunset together.

The stingyness to op vs generosity to ex, got me thinking this. Then the 'ex was furious when I got accidentally pregnant' but cemented this thought. Plus the lack of care towards their son.

Sorry op, but this is already so bad.

Even if you can't allow yourself to think he's bad yet. Keep this thread. Keep coming back to it. He is bad.

Check if the amount you'd be entitled to via CMS is indeed around £1200, also work our UC, child benefit and other entitlements to cost up your potential income, plus your salary. Then look online to see if there are any nice flats within budget near your chosen primary school and start imagining a life where you and your son can have real security and a living calm peaceful SAFE home without the responsibilities of his daughter or his food shop etc.

You deserve to be happy and so does your child.

I also think you would benefit from some counselling to work out why your self worth is so low that you've enabled this guy and allowed him to treat you and your son this way.

What is your industry and what are the prospects of accessing help through your Masters University or employer? Otherwise Google "low-cost therapy" in your local area.

Also you should contact Women's Aid, and Citizens Advice to find out more about your options. And finally plenty of solicitors do free consultations- look some up and see if you can find one to attend during the working day.

Start making plans and stepping up as tiger mum. Your son needs you to do this, and you owe it to him and to yourself.

That's an interesting theory.

You are alone.
You are a single parent.
If only you could see what all of us can see, OP.
The best thing you could do for your son is build him a secure, loving home away from his manipulative monster of a sperm donor.
Please, please, please don't make your innocent baby big grow up witnessing his mother's abuse and misery, and have his second class status shoved in his face every day.
I don't know what else any of us can say, but I'm so sad for you and your poor boy. The damage this cretin has already done is as plain as day.

I think this is tantamount to financial abuse. He earns more than enough to ensure you’re comfortable yet he’s driving you into poverty by making you contribute half towards all bills, food shops and also pay all of the childcare fees so you can work. On top of that, he won’t let you pay towards the mortgage so you have zero claim on the house should you split.

You’re in an extremely vulnerable position. Unmarried, it’s 100% his home and no savings/assets to fall back on. You need to seek legal counsel and leave though, the man is an abuser.

Precarious. Proceed with caution.

Get on deeds, get married, or get out.

Best of luck.

Those saying about sex, we hardly have any anyway

Well, "we" might not but I'd be very surprised if he isn't
After all there aren't too many 45 year old men who'd settle for an almost sexless life, especially when they clearly have no regard at all for their current "partner"

Really it's a waiting game, where you either tiptoe around his appalling behaviour so as not to get chucked out or just hang on until he meets the next one he wants to move in

Frankly you deserve a whole lot better, but if youu're not prepared to make this clear he's hardly going to take it on board for himself

Just seen an update. Refuses to wear condoms. He sounds like a knob'ed. Things change or leave. You're in a very vulnerable position. 🌺

Threads like this make me think thank goodness for Mumsnet.. I wonder how many people are in similar positions to this OP. Get legal advice and get out OP this man doesn't love you.

He refuses to wear condoms??? Whaaaaaaat. Christ.

Op i hope you get out of this situation eventually and live your best life.

I know you think you love him but this man is amongst the biggest pieces of shit I've read about on here.

He convinced you to sell your own home by suggesting you'd buy one together.. then slowly withdrew that so you now have absolutely nothing and are in debt.. whilst all the while gaslighting you by saying he's done you a wonderful massive favour.
Honestly beyond awful

Oh, OP.

You got off the property ladder to move in with him based on his lies.
He pays NOTHING for his child
He has you providing childcare for his daughter

He is taking you for a complete mug. Once he no longer needs your help in dropping his daughter, I suspect you'll be on your own. I also suspect that he got you pregnant deliberately.

Honestly, this will end badly. You need to start controlling the end now. Stop paying half for the bills. I presume they are all in his name anyway. Stop dropping his daughter to anything. Tell him she has 2 parents and you aren't married/a family so no thanks. Squirrel away as much money as possible. If he goes on about a roof over your head, tell him he is putting a roof over his head, his child's head and really doesn't give a fuck about you.

At the moment you have absolutely no security whatsoever.

So you are on the deeds to the house then OP?!

If he wants her to go to private school I dont see why mum should have to miss out on cm. Although I'm struggling to believe mr tightarse has insisted on a private school.

Just went on CMS and did a quick calculation OP. If you claim maintenance for your DS on your partner's current salary of £150k you'll get £1280 per month - assuming DS stays at his dad's house two nights a week. If he stays 0 nights it's £1500 per month.

He can't not pay you, because CMS will take it out of his salary and fine him for the privilege.

Given the way he has been treating you (appallingly), this is no less than you deserve. He has pretty much ruined you financially by talking you into doing everything that benefits him. Worse, he expects you to feel grateful. This is abuse.

There you go, OP.

If you're in the north you could rent a small two bedroom place quite easily and keep your son in nursery on your salary plus child benefit and the maintenance.

You'll have more money left at the end of the month than you do now.