DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

It's really hard to think of being alone again at my age and starting again.

You're alone now though.
You really are.

If he refuses to wear condoms then having a baby was his decision. He can't put that on you and make out that all the costs of childcare should be born by you.

You poor thing op. Honestly in your position I would calculate what all the bills are split down the middle INCLUDING nursery and stop paying some of the other bills to even it out. You have credit card debt, you literally can’t afford to be paying more than half the bills on the house he has chosen and if you lived alone your house would be smaller and bills cheaper.

I would then say to tell him you want to go on the deeds now. If he refuses you ask for rent for the time he lived rent free with you.

I think your relationship is all but over anyway, it sounds like he just wanted a housekeeper.

Your partner is a deeply selfish man.

I am sure there will be people who can give much better advice than me, but if he earns over £156,000 per year, you may be able to apply to the courts for "top-up" maintenance, which I believe gives the courts more discretion in ordering maintenance or even a lump sum payment in some circumstances.

I would seriously advise getting some decent legal advice as a first step. It may cost you, but I don't think you can afford not to. They may suggest negotiating some sort of settlement in lieu of coercive control proceedings/a court application.

You have been very, very stupid. Really you have . Can you not see how you have made yourself so vulnerable. Honestly I despair. Why are you allowing him to not pay for his child, let alone have done nothing to protect yourself legally.

What do you get out of this relationship, @wibblewobblequack? Anything other than the nice house you get to tiptoe around?

Please understand you will do your son far more harm staying in this abusive and dysfunctional home than you would by removing him and yourself from the nice house.

Would his job be affected by a charge/conviction for financial abuse, coercive control?

Would he be happy it being made public his abuse of you, his coercion of you?

You have more power than you realise, you just have to be prepared to reach out for support.

Seek out advice quietly to see where you stand.

You could well be eligible for refuge and housing.

Let people help you.
Tell them you are finishing your education.

Apart from you are already a single parent. His "higher outgoings" are going into a nice little nest egg tho arent they, his house! But yours are going on your sons childcare, so you can work to provide for your son, that you'll never see anything back from other than cards on mothers day.

OP you're like a frog that's been slowly boiled to death, his financial abuse has been creeping and his gaslighting has made you question what is fair. But now you have zero assets, are in debt and are 100% reliant on him to keep a roof over your head as he continues to drain your resources by forcing you to pay MORE than half of bills on a fifth of his wage. Ignore him saying the mortgage is a bill, he's just paying off the debt so he can outright own his asset, it's not a bill and you are not benefitting unless you are on the deeds.

If he promised you he'd put you on the deeds if you sold your home I would seriously be speaking to a solicitor about this and see if you can claw back some of your lost assets?

Harden your heart to him, his actions are abuse pure and simple, he's taken away your independence and has you in a cage of servitude. Get your ducks in a row OP. Xx

Also in the meantime stop paying any bills apart from childcare and stuff for your baby, if he complains say you can't bloody afford it and you're going into debt. If he brings up you not trusting him again, turn it round and say surely if you trusted me my name would be on the house deeds by now like you promised!?

I can't save, I have nowhere to go at the moment if I was to leave.Do I keep working on my masters and try and financially get myself into a better position hopefully through a better paying job?

how realistically likely is it that masters will get you a better paid job, and how quickly? A lot of that depends on industry and experience.

But to the fact that you can't save - this is why you need to reduce your outgoings, and why I suggested stopping paying utilities, Council tax and whatever other things you are paying towards the house etc. Why you need to just stop taking his daughter places unless he provides fuel.

Like I've said quite a few times any time I try and speak about it he turns it around on me, that I don't trust him, that I'm ungrateful.

there's a concept i like to recommend, that i call "getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and allowing others to feel uncomfortable".

ALLOW awkward silences; don't go rushing to fill them. Stay calmly persistent on topic. If he gives you the silent treatment cease doing anything at all that makes his life comfortable until he talks you to in a respectful manner like an equal. Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking for him, stop transporting his DD, stop trying to fix the silent treatment and get on with yours and your son's lives. He can either grow up and have an adult conversation or he can continue to sulk like a toddler: either way, show that you're just going to be getting on with your life.

So he calls you ungrateful amd says you don't trust him. Don't allow him trying make you feel shame to derail the point of the conversation. "I understand that you think that I'm ungrateful, but the fact of the matter is that we need to come to a different financial arrangement because this one is leaving me in debt every month with no savings and no assets."

"regardless of whether you think I'm ungrateful or not, allowing your son and your partner to live in your house isn't covering the financial costs associated with your children."

"regardless of you paying your mortgage, there are other expenses to keeping our son and your daughter that I am unable - and shouldn't have to - cover by myself."

Ignore his attempts to emotionally blackmail you into dropping it and behaving like the good little stepford girlfriend that he wants you to be.

I think the most effective and efficient way to do this is to stop paying towards the bills and stop taking his DD to things unless he provides PROPER petrol money or his vehicle with his fuel. Buy only the food that you and your DS need, on a daily basis if you have to. (This is another example of getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable). No matter how much he tries to tell you how unreasonable, petty, selfish you are being or whatever else he can throw at you, keep your cool on the outside and tell him that any time he wants to sit down and have a calm and loving discussion about how to look after both of your best financial interests together, you'd be happy to review arrangements. Until then, you must act in your own best interests, just like he does every time he shuts you down for trying to talk about money.

Jesus Christ OP. Get your head out of the sand! This bloke is an absolute gaslighting arsehole and treating you like utter shit. Start getting angry and advocate for yourself.

Exactly this.

If the OP was a live in nanny then technically it could be argued that her partner was "putting a roof over her head", but not really because this would be part of her salary. She would also expect to receive part of her salary in cash, and for the family to cover any additional expenses incurred in working for the family and looking after their children, such as family food shops and petrol. She wouldn't expect to be getting into debt because it was costing her more to work for the family than they were paying her.

What has actually happened here is that her partner lived with her rent free in a property that she owned, which enabled him to rent out his own property and pay off the mortgage, as well as putting savings aside to allow him to buy himself a big swanky house, which she agreed to based on his vague promises that she would also benefit because the big swanky house would be in both their names.

Then having got her pregnant and effectively trapped her, he used the money he had made from living with her rent free to buy himself that big swanky house, didn't put her on the deeds as promised, forced her to run down her own cash reserves which she got from selling her own property by solely funding her own maternity leave for the child he created, and is now forcing her to pay half the bills for his big swanky house as well as food for him and his child to eat and petrol for the lifts she is giving his child, as well as the entire nursery bill for their shared child so she can work, and she's getting deeper and deeper into debt each month.

And what is he doing in return?

Fuck all, except graciously allowing her to live in the big swanky house which he was only able to buy thanks to her, with absolutely no stake in it or financial security whatsoever and no ability to build up her own running away fund/nest egg because he is bleeding her dry each month.

Op I hope you can speak to someone in real life like a close friend or sister about your situation.
‘Putting up with it’ for ds isn’t putting his best interests first.
Part of being a parent is trying to ensure a stable life not living on a knife edge.
You split tomorrow, you and your child are homeless - what is your plan - do you have a deposit to rent?
He dies in a car crash tonight. You don’t even know if he has a will. If he’s left house to eldest child and his death in service and pension to her you are both homeless and your dc has nothing from his father’s estate. You’d need money and evidence to pursue an inheritance act claim via a solicitor - if he’s not been contributing to his upbringing it’s not straightforward.
Like another poster says fast forward 16 years and your dc has an offer from a top uni but only min loan due to father’s income but father won’t contribute. You can’t afford the thousands a year top up on your wage so he has to go local and not where he wants to.
Think about mental impact on your dc - sis has top private school and Durham uni for example v he has local comp and ex poly. Sister has lots of foreign school trips v you can’t even afford scout camp. That’s not a healthy situation for a child or teen.

Oh my love, your last update! He refuses to wear condoms and yet DS was 'unplanned' - that's what happens when you have unprotected sex!

Honestly I've just read your updates rather than the thread and the picture I have is of a complicated and slightly narcissistic man who is 'all front' as we say up here. It's important for him to be seen as a 'good guy' - hence paying over the odds on CMS (although you only have his word for it that he is doing that and basic CMS is laughable), buying drinks, lovebombing you and paying school fees.

He's not a good man though and over the long term he's gaslit you 100% into a horribly precarious financial position. I bet deep down he's fuming that his ex dared to leave/has in a sense taken him to the cleaners and so will not let himself get into that financial situation again...

Does your work have an employee assistance programme? If so, check out to see if you can get free counselling. You need a bit of proper support to work out what to do next. What I would say though, is when a woman realises she'll be financially better off apart from her partner it can be the straw that breaks the donkey's back. I bet CMS is more than your 'half' of this 'roof'.

Think carefully OP. This is not just your child but your own future. You will be drifting into actual poverty when you are older unless you make a plan for yourself and your child.

I want DS to have the best life and I wonder if I should just put up to keep this roof over his head.

your DS quality of life is dependent on a lot of things, but this specific roof over his head vs a much cheaper one, isn't a factor. At all.

on the other hand your quality of life and his would be much improved by you having your own financial security.

Look you don't have to leave him. What you do need is the option to be able to if it suits you.

I've suggested bills be proportionate before but he says he has higher outgoings than me due to "putting the roof over our heads" and DSD education.

Then tell him you can't afford 50% of the bills on this house and that if he is unable to pay proportionately it would be best if you both downsized to live within your means. BOTH of your means.

<cue him rolling around the old emotional abuse scripts>

"Regardless, I cannot afford to continue to pay 50% of the bills on this house AND 100% of the childcare and costs associated with our son. When you're ready to sit down and talk about this with respect and love, let me know."

Keep posting OP. Do you have someone in real life who you could talk to - mum or dad, siblings?

I know you are worried about the roof over your Ds’s head. But honestly. What a shit roof, a gilded cage that neither of you have any claim or ownership of. That’s spiraling his mother into penury.

Does he know about your cc debt?

This is infuriating to read - why aren't you more angry at him OP? You seem to think that he doesn't realise what he is doing here, but he absolutely does. You've been shafted and you have allowed it to happen. Get angry for yourself and your son - both of your futures are at risk here.

Would you ever treat your partner this way, if the tables were turned and you earned more than him? Would you watch him struggle while you squirrelled away money and equity that he has no claim to, would you blame him for his financial situation even though he has little choice? Presumably not, because it's cruel and you're not an arsehole. This man chooses to treat you like this, with contempt because he doesn't care about your wellbeing.

He doesn’t want to split the bills proportionally because he is putting the roof over your heads? So basically if you were looking a proportional split then you are contributing towards the mortgage. He’s a cheeky fucker at best and financially abusive at worst.

I don’t say that lightly OP, but you are not considering leaving because you can’t afford it- and by the way he is currently behaving you never will.

look on the CMS calculator see what you’d be entitled to there. I think potentially a nice little flat for you and your child would make for a much nice life than living in a big house with this pig.

And by the way, be prepared for him to try to call you out that you're saving money to leave him. Turn that right back around on him and tell him that keeping you living in poverty in his fucking gilded cage mansion is an acceptable way to keep you in a relationship with him?

A post that sticks with me from relationships is a woman aged 60. Been with partner years and they split.
Unmarried, his house, his pension.
She was living in a small flat, working all hours to survive.
Meanwhile the sons were preferring to live with dad when back from Uni as he had space and mod cons they were used to. He could buy them nice gifts. They and their girlfriends were going on nice foreign holidays with dad and new gf, expensive meals out, house deposits and cars. Mum felt awful. She was watching another woman benefit from the pension and house she’d enabled him to fund.

Even splitting down the middle is unfair if he earns five times what she does.

What the actual fuck have I just read?

How on earth did you buy his "better for you not to be on the mortgage" bollocks? You earn £30k, not as much as him but not nothing, your income being taken in to consideration would help with your joint borrowing power.

Even if you don't earn much or indeed anything, you could still be on the mortgage. You are clearly not a stupid person, you are doing a Masters, so why did you not research your noptions?

So here is how it could have been done more fairly. Mr Monkey and I are not married. When we bought our flat he was a very low earning contractor but had a very big cash deposit from selling his flat. I had at the time, a much higher income.

So we got a joint mortgage with him assessed as zero income. We are both on the mortgage and deeds. We have a deed of trust drawn up to reflect the fact that in the early years he has more money tied up in the property than me and that should be accounted ahead of any 50/50 share i n any equity gains for if we split. I pay the mortgage, so over time we will replace that DoT to reflect a more equal contribution. The mortgage and deposit are both roughly half purchase price of the property - Mr Monkey put in some more money to account for the interest I would be paying.

You're a single parent anyway. Do do all the childcare for DS and on top of that you have a stepkids to run about after Would you not rather be a single parent in a house that's yours, that you know no one can toss you out off? Yes it must be lovely to live in a big 500k house but kids don't care about that kind of thing. I think it's far better that you had a smaller house, that you knew was your own rather, than live in someone else's house with no security.