DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

If he has a will then he can leave to anyone eg his brother. They would be legal owner and you’d need to leave.
No will his assets go on intestacy rules so both children would inherit if he’s unmarried - has he got insurance to pay mortgage off if he dies.
I’d be surprised at a man on £150,000 a year not having a will.
Remember wills can be changed at any time with no need to say anything to you.

He's bought himself a 500k house. That's a lot for him to spend on himself tho isn't it. And no you don't really benefit from it because it's not really yours and he's making sure there's no paper trail connecting you to it, by not allowing you to pay rent or contribute to the mortgage... so that is essentially something he has bought for himself isn't it.
And a car you say.
And his other child's fancy education.
And let's be honest, this man probably has savings.

This ... although I guess proof of his assets could be useful if he tries to avoid paying maintenance?

We can all agree that the man's a complete pig, but let's also not forget that nobody forces women to get themselves into positions like this. It's a choice, but sadly it's one which can have awful consequences

OP, you are mistaken in thinking the man isn't awake of costs involved. He knows everything!!! He is actively taking you for a mug, financially abusing you.

Even if you stay with him, which I hope you don't, squirrel money away for your future safety.

Don't do the food shop. Buy sandwiches for you and your son. Get him to go out and buy food if he wants food in the fridge. If he says why's the fridge empty. Say after paying nursery fees and my CC debt I've got no money left, I'm skipping meals.

Make an excuse up about work, eg boss has you lined up for promotion so is giving you extra responsibility, therefore you doing step child's pick up and drop off is not possible. He will have to find childcare for her.

Don't pay half the bills. Just say you're paying all the nursery fees you CC debt etc. You don't have the money.

Don't clean or maintain the house, eg don't wash his clothes etc. Just keep your and your child's stuff clean. Treat him as a flat mate. Treat the house as a hotel. If he says why haven't you cleaned say, I'm too busy working. You'll have to hire a cleaner or do it yourself.

Get an extra job on the weekends. Say you're working on increasing your income as you suggested to me. Get him to look after the child he has with you.

Use every saved penny as your exit fund.

When he kicks up a fuss about it, use the deflection tactics, guilt trips, and gaslighting that he uses on you. For eg...You're so lucky I do all the childcare, pay for nursery, etc. Shout. Change the subject. Silent treatment.

He's very shrewd, you need to be shrewd too, and leave immediately if you can, claim CM. If not, don't spend a penny more, as detailed above, save money, then leave.

Your child deserves a happy mother and a stable and loving home, even if that is a small 2 bed flat somewhere. A massive house can't compensate for him witnessing the abuse of his mother, which he will pick up on, when he's older.

Has he nominated anyone as recipient for his death in service or pension? He may still have ex girlfriend listed and not updated, only put down eldest child as he’s not got around to adding younger one etc. You need to know.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

They don't force them. But they do an absolute mind fuck on them where they convince them childcare and domestic labour isn't actually real or valuable work. And that they are being done some kind of favour by allowing them to stay in the house.

So true, haribosmarties, though I'm not sure what kind of favour it is to be able to live in a place you know you could be chucked out of at any time and without much notice

In fairness I can't blame the DP for wanting to protect his assets, especially if he suspects they were a big part of his attraction in the first place. I blame him for neglecting his own child though, unplanned or not

The house and money will go to whoever he has named in his Will. Did he update that after your son was born? Or is your son like you...entitled to nothing.

So is he taking in packed lunches each day?

Drinks with mates and going to football - how often are you doing that?

I think if you actually compared spending you would be shocked.

You are sacrificing yourself to spend on your son. Is he?

I think this is what I would do. I would sit him down and say the following.

"I've been thinking, I would like to get married. We live together, we have a child together, it's the sensible thing to do. Shall we book the registry office for next year?"

If he says no, you say, "OK. Well if you don't want to commit to me I think I need to leave and strike out on my own. Being in this relationship is holding me back. I'm in a sort of no man's land where we don't have shared finances but I also don't have any financial independence because I'm subsidising your lifestyle in a way I can't afford."

When he gets all indignant and says you're not subsidising his lifestyle, it's the other way around, you say, "Yes, I am. You lived with me for free when I still owned a house, and then I sold that house and used the equity to fund my own maternity leave when you should have been supporting me during that time because I was having your baby. And now I've gone back to work and I'm paying 100% of the cost of nursery for our child when this should be a joint cost. And on top of that I'm paying 50% of the bills to live in your very expensive house when you earn five times what I earn. If I didn't live here you would have to pay 100% of those bills yourself and you would also have to pay me child support."

If he says you can't afford to move out, you say, "Actually, I can't afford to stay. Literally, I can't afford to live month to month when you are putting all your money towards a house that is in your sole name, leaving me to pay all the irrecoverable costs for our child as well as half your bills. You're building a secure financial future for yourself and I'm getting into debt. And of course I have no hope of building up any equity in my own property or saving for my own retirement for as long as this situation continues. If we were married it wouldn't be as much of an issue, but we're not married and you've just said you don't want to get married, which means I need some financial independence for myself. If I move out and rent somewhere then what with the child maintenance payments from you and the child benefit I'll be eligible to claim, I'll be able to get back into the black. So. Have a think about it. I want to be married in the next 6 months or I will start making plans to move out."

Call his bluff.

Tell him that as you have no assets and no savings based on his promises that you benefit further down the line, that you had no choice but to use your savings to pay bills when you have no income while he overpaid on his mortgage, you are no longer going to work simply to pay childcare and that all bills, clothes, food etc for both you and DS is on him.

That if he wants you to continue to work you will pay him half the market rent of his house and he will pay half of all DS's costs including all food, clothes and childcare. You will come out of that deal much better off if nursery fees around here are anything to go by. Oh and that school runs etc for his DD are now all on him too as you need to save on petrol costs and wont be going out anyway for work. Take away his cushy number.

See what he says, his reaction will tell you if you actually have a committed partner or someone who is using you shore up his own financial future at you and your sons expense.

what is his justification for not helping with childcare costs

It doesn't matter if he has made a will or not. The boyfriend would lie to the OP about who benefitted, he doesn't sound a very honest or decent man who provides for both his children. He is under no obligation to show the OP, his girlfriend, the will.

I do wonder though why you don't want to marry him or is it you he doesn't want to marry?

A bit late now I know but I live in hope women won't keep treating themselves and their children as second class citizens to their current boyfriends. Like the OP.

I think this is sensible. If you aren't in a position to save money secretly you are going to have to have this kind of conversation.

A very possible scenario is he made a will leaving everything to his older child before you had ds and not got around to adding ds.
So she inherits the lot.
You would then need to look into making an inheritance act claim for your son which would be costly and time consuming.
Why haven’t you asked him? If answer is you are scared to that really says it all doesn’t it about your relationship.

That's awful that she thinks he'd do that - you really must make a plan to leave him if he thinks that little of you. I would still stop
Paying though and say you haven't got enough as you put nursery on credit card. IF he kicks you out you would be homeless and probably a high priority for social housing!

Claim CB if you aren't already. It's better than nothing. He can pay that back in his taxes.

If he says he's providing you with a home ask why you have to pay half the bills and all the food costs when he didn't do the same while living under your roof. Deliberately or not (and I don't believe he doesn't know what he's doing) he is accruing wealth - equity in the house, savings, pension etc - while you are getting further into debt.

If you split up or he falls under a bus tomorrow, you are homeless and in debt. Without you around, at worst he would be looking for a nanny and increasing the cleaner's hours. He has security and you have none, pointing that out doesn't mean you don't trust him.

I wonder how old his daughter was when he split with her mother and when he started to pay towards her maintenance?

Blimey op you are so vulnerable, your dp has got this all worked out.

You would be so much better off as a single parent and I say that as a single parent! He is not your partner, he doesn't love you or your son and he has no respect for you.

Please start working out how to leave.

This is incredibly unfair to you.

Honestly I'd leave and claim CMS.

You'd probably be better off.

OP you sound like a decent person but you also sound like a lodger. When your child is grown what if you break up ? Where is your pension your security?

I mean, honestly, I think you'd probable be better off financially single, given maintenance, etc.

However, I would bring up the disparity again with him, point out the fact he pays nothing towards his child, that there's no equity in contributions given both your incomes. If he still plays the 'I pay the mortgage' line, I would bring it up in front of joint friends, assuming you have some, explaining the division in finances and make out you're querying how everyone else splits things.

*He will hate it , but rightly or wrongly, sometimes these men need shaming, and what he is doing is shameful, so there's no need to protect him.

*This is assuming there's no physical abuse or threat to you or your child, which you haven't mentioned there is so am going with that.

I want to know what school in the north costs 30k a year. That's insane to me.
I'm guessing your son won't have the same education.
Also why is he paying for this and maintenance?

The house and pension are all for him. All the mortgage payments and the pension contributions are for him and him alone. He is spending a huge amount on himself.

He's buying assets that are increasing in value. Those are big ticket items that you will never benefit from. You will never get a penny of the treasure he is stockpiling for himself.

@wibblewobblequack

Why was he homeless/ why did he have to move in with you?

Did his ex get a portion of the proceeds of the home they lived in?

What issue caused the breakup with the mother of his daughter?