DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

Was it his idea for you to sell your house?

He saw you coming. He used you to further his own financial success and isn’t even supporting his own child. Get some self respect.

Remember - he doesn't want you to move out.

Because if you do, he'll have to pay £1.2k child maintenance plus all instead of half the bills. You're worth, what £2k+ a month, to him. He'll have to do his own cooking, shopping and cleaning.

Whereas for you, if you move out, you'll gain £1.2k child maintenance which should cover rent/mortgage plus child benefit, possibly uc. And you'll be rid of this colossal prick.

The ONLY thing he does for you is pays the mortgage. And that is covered by the CM you'll get.

So if he says he'll kick you out - firstly, he won't, and secondly, that's fine, you're working towards that anyway.

Love what @MargotBamborough wrote above, if you can keep calm and parrot that, perfect.

AFAIK the school is over 10k a term, and 3 terms a year.

I know DP pays the fees, DSD mum isn't in a position to. I know she contributes towards some uniform and normal bits for school. DP also pays CM but from what I gather it's above CMS amount.

They were never married, split up when DSD was 2. I don't think it was a bad break up.
I'm not sure if they owned a house together as I've never really asked, I just know that DSD mum lives in her own house now with a mortgage.

I get on with DSD mum fine, she can be a little funny sometimes, for example when we had DS.

DP tells me they split up as DSD mum wasn't happy with how much he worked.

@mathanxiety he wasn't homeless, he had a home (a flat).

For the pp that said I was attracted to his "assets", when we met I had the bigger home of the two of us. That's why he moved in with me.

We (I thought) were happy at the time and the natural next step in the relationship is to live together? It made more sense for him to move to mine than for me to move into his little flat?

In terms of not contributing, he said it was to the benefit of both as he'd be able to save lots and we'd be able to buy a dream home (together).

Excellent post.

Please contact Women's aid.

He lived off you, made promises about the house, and now hasn't.

He has and is financially abusing you.

He has you in debt and you are controlled by your debt.

He is limiting your movements by keeping you in debt.

I absolutely believe this has a coercive ring to it.

I think you need to talk seriously to Women's aid.

Why should you have been put into debt, him having lived off you, you now have no home and are in debt and controlled by him?

I think you should be looking for a settlement and should be looking at making a complaint to the police about coercive control.

You need advice. As @magicofthefae has wisely written, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

You are being 100% used and abused.

None of this is accidental.

You need to see can you get some money from him to get set up elsewhere.

He used you, lived rent free, had you sell you house with promises, get yourself into debt with mat leave and now controls you.

I think you need good legal advice.
Will he want a police complaint made against him?

Coercive control is an ugly accusation.

Start with Women's aid.

Keep posting.

This is definitely financial abuse. What does he say when you point out you are now in a much worse position than when you met? He has essentially stolen your ability to be a home owner. Bills should be split proportionally.
Although not married you may well have a decent claim on the house considering this. See a solicitor to find out. And don't accept him thinking he's making you secure, he's no in any way. Tell him he is trapping you and putting you in debt. He's a thief.

So when we discussed buying a new house and putting mine on the market, the original plan was that we'd be buying together and I'd be putting my equity in.

At some point he convinced me that it was better for me not to go on the mortgage, and that he could just put me on the deeds to the same result.

He almost acted like he was doing me a favour and taking care of me. As in he suggested "well if we do it this way it means you can get a new car" (mine was a total old banger that was having constant issues at the time).

I see how utterly stupid I've been.

My guess is DSD’s Mum was ‘a bit funny with you’ when you had your DS because your partner had been telling her your relationship wasn’t serious.

He basically arranged for you to pay him for acting as a nanny to his daughter. No doubt he intended to have ‘it’s not working’ conversation when she was old enough not to need childcare.

The unplanned pregnancy screwed that up but he’s managed not to let it have any sort of financial impact on him (since he’d be paying the mortgage whether you lived there or not).

Do you really think half of his estate would be left to a child who he can't bear to be left alone with? One who he doesn't see as his financial responsibility right now? One who he is happy for you to go into debt to look after instead of pay for, right now?

Peel back the scales from your eyes, please, even though it's going to be painful.

Start thinking about the things that you don't want to think about.

The what if scenarios.

Your own retirement.

Why are you thinking about what other people would think if you left him, ahead of what YOUR needs are, and what works for YOU?

He isn't even meeting his son's needs. His son needs much more then a roof over his head, and that roof can be met much more cheaply than is being chosen to be at present. Is it nice? Sure I'll bet it is a nice house to live in. It's a gilded cage. Still doesn't meet yours or your DS's need for financial security, for food, water, heating, activities, hair cuts, health stuff, clothing, toys, craft stuff and childcare, does it. The gilded cage doesn't meet DS's need for a father who will look after his own son, not even for an hour. It's very clearly not going to put DS through private school. It didn't prevent you from using up your life savings on your maternity leave, in fact it caused it by being an expensive house to run that you had to pay half towards. It didn't pay your pension contributions and living expenses while you were on maternity like all decent dads do, did it.

The house is a gilded cage, your partner's asset and his weapon to beat you with. He uses it as his top trump card and to prevent you two from having a serious and honest sit down review of household finances. He has made unilateral financial decisions that have been at your medium and long term expense and to his capital gain for your entire relationship. He has gone from the generous boyfriend who will buy a round of drinks to the selfish father who has no qualms about his life partner having to use her capital that should have been invested in property, to survive while looking after his newborn son. He has been happy to let you get into debt with day to day living expenses including that of his son's and even some of his daughter's, rather than prevent that by providing even a small regular stipend towards the cost of his son. During this cost of living crisis he has paid well into his own mortgage and pension, goodness knows what his savings are like, and is paying £whatever for his daughter, including but I imagine not limited to private school fees. Meanwhile he gives you "BuT i PuT a RoOf OvEr YoUr HeAdS yOu UnGrAtEfUl WeNcH" then silent treatment if you ask for more than the occasional grocery shop.

Yes, you have allowed yourself to be financially and emotionally abused. You have been unpaid nanny and housekeeper to enable this walker to live a life of his choosing - in fact you aren't even unpaid, you have been paying for the privilege of providing home cooked food, a shopping, cooking, cleaning and child RAISING service, through paying half of the house bills, providing your own car and fuel to ferry his DD around, and providing everything from clothes and food to entertainment and education costs to his son! He's got it fucking made with you as his nanny/housekeeper, he even presumably gets sex out of it and what does it cost him for all of this? Literally fuck all, an occasional shopping trolley of food, and the occasional inconvenience of his not unpaid-but-actively-paying nanny/housekeeper/chef/handmaiden trying to have awkward conversations with him about money, which he shuts down quickly with anger then silent treatment.

He's got it absolutely MADE while you're absolutely FUCKED. Why aren't you LIVID??

You can't change the past. But you can change the future.

It starts with peeling back the scales from your eyes and seeing your situation for what it really is.

For me it then continues with you informing him that with immediate effect you're not paying towards the gas/water/electricity/council tax/household maintenance of his house or even any minor costs associated with his daughter like fuel to pick her up. You're informing him not negotiating with him since every time you try to talk about money with him he gets angry and gives you the silent treatment, but if he'd like to calmly sit down and have an open and fully transparent and honest conversation with you about equitable finances as a supposed loving and respectful couple who have a child together, you'd be open to that.

With the estate, be aware that your son can only make an application for ‘reasonable provision’ if he’s left out of the will if he is being financially maintained by his father.

Basically, once he turns 18 (or possibly slightly older in the unlikely event his father helps with university fees), he isn’t entitled to a penny (unless by ‘North’ you mean Scotland - the rules are different there).

Also, with university fees, his father’s income will be taken into account for the maintenance loan even if he refuses to pay.

I know this sounds premature but you need to be aware that this could be looming on the horizon.

That's really helpful @Grimchmas, thank you.

I'm still taking all your responses in. I'm very grateful for all the advice I just don't know what to do.

I can't save, I have nowhere to go at the moment if I was to leave.

Do I keep working on my masters and try and financially get myself into a better position hopefully through a better paying job?

I know he absolutely won't marry me, he's never been interested in marriage.

Like I've said quite a few times any time I try and speak about it he turns it around on me, that I don't trust him, that I'm ungrateful.

When I've tried to talk to him about the discrepancies between his contribution towards DSD and our DS he makes out like I am begrudging DSD and her education, which I'm absolutely not. I just want him to help with our DS.

I've also mentioned before the fact that I'm doing drop offs/pick ups for DSD costs me a lot in fuel which I can't afford, and he acts appalled that I'd even ask for fuel money because we are a family and I'm very petty to ask.

We are in England, not Scotland.

He isnt putting a roof over your head, he is keeping your mitts firmly away from his personal investment.

You would be financially better off alone.

You could start by contacting Women's Aid because you are being financially abused. They will help you build a plan for your future. You need support to take the actions required to improve your situation. Please seek some professional advice and start putting yourself and your son first.

So much this.

Bills for a huge house are going to be far more than bills for a small flat (obviously). A massive part of the reason you are getting into debt is because you are subsidising his lifestyle with incredibly limited benefit to yourself.

You might be living in a nicer house at the moment but with your salary, the CM and the UC you would be entitled to, you could afford something decent and still have significant spending money.

He says you dont trust him? Tell him its him who doesnt trust you!

Ideally you would sit down and explain

• bills should be on proportionate to income
• you should be on the deeds
• he needs to pay proportionate to childcare

he doesn’t want you on the house because if you split up it is his house
he doesn’t want to marry you because if you divorce he could lose his house
he won’t pay for childcare as he believes your child is your hobby and has sexist views
these are all facts and he doesn’t see a long term future with you.

i understand it’s difficult to leave. As a first step I would explain to him that for security and retirement reasons you want to buy yourself a small flat to rent out. So he needs to pay 50% of the childcare. If he refuses then say you will need to save costs elsewhere.

• I would then only buy cheap frozen microwave meals for his tea
• every tea will be beans on toast or a microwave meal
• say you are not using your car anymore. Get the bus to pick up your son or walk. He will have to sort out getting his daughter unless it costs you nothing.
• do not have sex with him
• shame him in front of friends and family. Casually mention you are looking to buy a flat as it isn’t your house.

@MargotBamborough has given you a really good script to go at this.

Also remember your leverage in this negotiation is how much you do for his child. If you move out he has to do it ...he should be doing it anyway.

And if he doesn't budge I'd say you can't afford to stay and I wouldn't. You've already cornered yourself. You need to find a way to get back out on your own.

I've suggested bills be proportionate before but he says he has higher outgoings than me due to "putting the roof over our heads" and DSD education.

It's really hard to think of being alone again at my age and starting again.

I was never sure I wanted even one child, then DS happened and I love him to bits but being a single parent was never how I planned life.

I definitely don't want any more children. I've got some gynae issues and I've got to have surgery, I've asked to be sterilised alongside this which has been agreed to I'm just waiting for a date.

Those saying about sex, we hardly have any anyway. DS and I have mostly slept in a separate bedroom to DP since he was born. DS had (and still has to a degree) a lot of trouble sleeping.

DP said from the get go that he needs his sleep for work. DS and I ended up sleeping downstairs for the first year of his life as DP said he could hear him too much upstairs, even in a separate room.

DP also refuses to wear condoms, which I've asked him to do until I am sterilised.

I want DS to have the best life and I wonder if I should just put up to keep this roof over his head.

You have to call Womens aid for advice.

He has you penniless and in debt and is keeping you that way as nanny for his first child while contributing nothing to the child he had with you.

He has deliberately gotten you stuck and he wants you to stay that way.

He shuts you down any chance he gets.

Get your hands on any paperwork, photograph it on your phone and email it to yourself.

Bank accounts, pension, morgage, anything.

He deliberately put you in debt and has deliberately told you one thing about the house, has you pay as much as he can unofficially.

This is financially abusing you and coercive control.

I think you need to read up on Coercive control and talk to Womens aid.
Ask should you approach the police for help, quietly.

Do everything quietly.
Ask about legal aid because he has you in debt.

Rubbish.

He would have those outgoings whether you and your child were in his life or not.

The reason he has higher outgoings than you is because he is paying 30 grand a year in school fees for a child who actually has fuck all to do with you and is not your problem, and because he is building up equity in a house you do not own.

You're not a family.

If you were a family he would have supported you during your maternity leave, you would both be paying childcare for your shared child proportionate to your respective incomes, and you would co-own the property that you live in.

Time to say no more lifts for his daughter and no more family food shops out of your limited income.

If he wants to be a family then all family costs should be shared proportionate to your incomes. He can't pick and choose when you are a family and when you are not.

With the additional information (no sex, not sharing a room or even a floor), you aren’t his partner, you are live in staff that he’s conned into paying for the privilege.

If you stay, your son will be significantly financially disadvantaged over you leaving. That’s not ‘having the best life’, that’s you enabling your partner’s abuse of you and your son - and yes, that’s exactly what is happening here.

If you leave, he has to pay for his son. If you don’t, he doesn’t and clearly won’t.