To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

@isthisthenorm I think you are getting a bit of a hard time.

I am not SAHP material, I just find the drudgery of full time childcare draining. I am in awe of women and men who choose to be a SAHP.

After both my maternity leaves I was itching to get back. Have conversations with adults about stuff other than DC. Think about work stuff, use my brain differently.

I think you need to plan the next few years about getting your youngest into nursery, the older ones at school and think what you would like to do. Get your ducks in a row now. Talk to old colleagues, get your networks going again. A friend of mine has just got a job back in her old industry after taking a 10 year childcare break.

Just read all of your posts OP, and that you and DH are not big spenders… like you are literally spending the same amount on clothes etc that an average earner in the U.K. would.

Seriously, sit down with all of your finances, write down everything from mortgage (if you have one) payments, to utilities, to holidays.

Get a proper working budget and see what is left over annually, after savings, school fees, pensions etc.

Ask your husband for a proportion of that leftover money, which will be substantial, for you to work with rather than an allowance increase for doing nothing.

Use this money to invest, start a business etc and develop your own income for yourself and the growth of family funds.

Eventually you won’t need the allowance at all, but I’d still take it off him as long as he remains the higher earner.

i mean it really is as simple as you either hire childcare and go back to work - doesn't have to be full time - or you be a stay at home parent

why not go back 3 days a week then you still get plenty of days with your children

i work 4 days and my day off in the week is always amazing with my daughter because we always do something big or special together - if it was every single day it wouldn't be a day we looked forward to as much

Would you consider matching your skillset to a third sector volunteer role? Trustee of a charity, project coordinator, or principle officer of a community group? I'm a SAHM and do a couple of these roles to keep my brain going and my sanity. No rush to do anything, not many time dependant commitments and you can spend them next few months just looking around for the right fit for you?

It's more the freedom.

You don't want freedom from your dh, you have the freedom and access to masses of money to spend on what you want.

You don't want your kids in childcare and that is an active choice, so you don't want freedom from them.

What "freedom" do you want?

@isthisthenorm i get it. We are in similar situations here, but not quite so minted 🤣

I lost my job not long after I moved in with OH and it was fairly traumatic at the time. After I’d finished sorting things out in the new house I had nothing to do, dc is older and was at secondary school

I was bored shitless! so i started to look for something to do and funny enough found the job on mumsnet jobs!

I’m doing a job that started out pretty basic, we’re gradually increasing our scope and activity and increasing our challenges which is great for the grey matter!

I work part time, wfh, pay is good enough and job is good for my brain and self esteem. I get to travel a bit, which is fun when not too much but I don’t have to travel if I really don’t want to or can’t.

i couldn’t afford to work part time if not for OH, it’s not mega pay, I’m gradually negotiating my way up the pay scale so it’s getting a bit more lucrative so I’d have more money to save or fritter away on shiny stuff.

if don’t need the money, there are good jobs out there, just look for what your skills could be good for. PM me if you wish.

@isthisthenorm why do you feel guilty? He’s giving you 30k but you have access to the rest too, so the same as him? You’re looking after the children which is likely harder than his job.

I don’t understand the guilt but can see how life can feel pretty empty looking after children all day. I have enough income outside my job to quit work but I wouldn’t as I would be incredibly bored without it. It’s nothing to feel guilty about…?

Money that just falls into your lap, gives a LOT of freedom. In fact, it's the main thing that gives freedom and buys a lot of extra time to pursue whatever the fancy is.

But then again, some people just are broken. I had a partner on around 300k - money he didn't have to actively earn. No small children.
So a lot of money, a lot of free time, very little in terms of responsibilities. Alas, I have never seen someone so bone-idle, "stressed" (in his own bloody words) and apathetic. Can't help someone when they're just not inclined that way.

Go back to work part time after your baby OP. It’s hard but achievable. It’s fine to want a career regardless of how much your husband earns. Yes you’ll feel guilty for the time away from your kids but that’s the case for the majority of us working mums.

Ha ha, me too. Nearly £5k a month on 'pocket money'. Obviously higher tax implications with it being one wage, but it's more than our household income.

Tell him to transfer the miserly allowance of 30k to a nanny so that you can go back to work part time and still earn double that.

Go part time and get a nanny. You are minted!!!!!!!

I think working part time and getting childcare would be the answer here. You'll then still be involved for when kids grow up.

I really do try and empathise with people, especially women in your situation feeling stifled by the difficult choices that children bring- there’s no perfect solution. The reason you’re facing so many angry posts is that lots of people are stressing about how to feed their families or keep a roof over their head. There wasn’t any need to describe your 80k salary as pocket money.

Would you think of a project of some sort to occupy you? For example, either with the £160,000 you have, or with input from your DH, you could buy a small flat or house in need of renovation and you could project manage the refurbishment, hopefully and selling it on and making a profit. Obviously £160,000 would not be enough if you live in London. If you aren't actually doing the work yourself, but just organising plumbers, electricians etc., you should be able to fit this around childcare.

Alternatively, there are plenty of other volunteering opportunities around apart from working in a charity shop. You could volunteer in your local hospice for example, or raise funds for the air ambulance or children's hospital etc.

I think some people are being very harsh on OP here because they are jealous that her husband is a high earner and she was a high earner. You even acknowledge yourself that it's a bit of a first world problem but I get it, there's something about being dependent on someone for money that you haven't earned yourself that makes it more difficult to spend.

Obviously as you are due your third baby soon and you don't like the idea of nannies or nursery for young children, have you thought of perhaps doing some volunteer work? That way you still feel like you're giving something back to society, which may make you feel less guilty around spending your husband's money? (Although I would argue, it's both your money!)

Or you could look into some part-time work in the evenings, something based around your skill set? For example if you are an accountant, you could look into some bookkeeping? It might be that you decide that even that would be too many hours with your young family but it could be good when they grow up a bit and go to school, plus if you do decide to return to the workplace when your youngest starts school, you've kept up your skills somewhat.

The only thing I would worry about is are you making any contributions to a private pension? Even though your husband seems very generous, it's not unknown for SAHMs to find themselves in difficult financial situations if they divorce. I would consider moving some of your savings or taking a part-time job when the children are older to ensure you have something to fall back on.

Your rich you have so many options with childcare and whether you wanna work or not. How many hours you choose to work or whether you want to do voluntary work or studying or anything you want. Money gives you the choices poor people don't get. You really don't need to worry about being left with nothing if you divorce that's not how it works the child support alone would be significant.

The income is really a red herring.

At the end of the day you are trying to balance being around your DC and finding fulfilment in other aspects of life like work.

The only point your income comes into it is to realise that you can afford to do literally every option available to parents balancing these same responsibilities, so utilise that.

I would suggest part time as your DC are so small, I preferred short days over condensed days as they fit in better with school and childcare.

If you're asking people opinions on what you should do, I would prioritise being with the DC in the early years and making the absolute most of being able to be home with them. Then I'd look for work where I could work 3 - 4 days a week with an early finish. I do think it would be odd (just being honest with myself and no judgement on anyone else) to extensively lean on childcare if you have the resources to be at home with them.

Thank you for all the helpful messages. Obviously I won't be starting work or anything similar for a while after baby is here but I am going to spend it wisely taking a few suggestions from posts on here. I think what triggered this sudden feeling trapped and bored was my DS3 starting nursery 5 mornings a week in September and I suddenly had all this time at home alone and didn't know what to do with myself. Personally I love spending time with my kids and I am looking forward to going to all the baby classes with this baby and making some new mum friends. I'm also going to start looking for a nanny that we can hopefully keep for many years even if she only does a day or 2 a week at first. We've recently hired a housekeeper because it's hard to keep on top of the house with two wild boys and a newborn and I'm lucky to be in the position to do this as I know not everyone is.

DS6 is due to start beavers soon and I know they regularly look for volunteers so does anyone know anything about this?

If Beavers is anything like scouts they are usually absolutely desperate for volunteers to keep the groups open so definitely do that if you can.

Sorry I mean anything like Brownies*

@isthisthenorm I would also say OP, volunteering is a good idea because it may well give you more flexibility too-after all you aren't being paid, the thing is with a standard job you get into 'holiday' allowance etc' and you might start to resent only having 4/5 weeks when you don't need the money. Especially trying to juggle school holidays etc

It's really unclear whether you actually do want to return to work or want to spend time at home with your kids.

Whichever it is I don't really see why you can't just do what you want to do. You seem to be creating problems here where none exist. Don't want to stay at home with your baby for the first 12 months? Honestly, just don't then.

What on earth does your husband do that earns him £800k in the UK?

Also what £80k job did you do, that was not very stressful, and was done 'just for fun'?

I wanna apply!

The £80k was for working for her dad