To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

Are you really just feeling guilty about your extraordinary financial privilege and wealth OP?

And why change your user name to "isthisthenorm"?

It's clearly far from normal.

You are seriously very privileged OP.
I’m not sure you realise how lucky you are.

Is he contributing to a pension in your name and do you have ISAs in your name that are fully being saved?

From a financial perspective it is optimal as two sets of pension and ISA allowances.

Also useful to sniff out whether he objects to paying into things "for you" and whether he feels paying your allowance is enough to discharge him of all other responsibilities.

Sorry I didn't read the full responses.

What a sad upbringing, I always thought boarding school children, and children primarily raised by Nannie's would ultimately feel abandoned and unloved. Get some therapy to heal that wound.

Get an old unattractive but wonderful nanny when you're ready to study/train/skill up in your chosen field.

Get a daily cleaner. Get a weekly gardener. Get a weekly babysitter.

Go on luxurious holidays every term time.

Gosh with that kind of money, the world's your oyster. Well done. You've landed on your feet.

This is essential too. Max out your ISA (stocks and shares), and pension contributions to the max, while you can.

Also invest in REITS. I think they'll be included into ISA offerings too, in new budget.

As a finance person, I'm sure your husband will think this is essential too.

I think what triggered this sudden feeling trapped and bored was my DS3 starting nursery 5 mornings a week in September and I suddenly had all this time at home alone and didn't know what to do with myself

Ok, so what would you like to do? You have enough money to do a huge amount of things, eg pay for private lessons for a language, musical instrument, etc. You have enough money that you can volunteer for lots of things with no worry about not getting paid. You can go on interesting day outs; you can pay for extra experiences at museums, zoos, aquariums, etc. You can volunteer for charities, the National Trust, local library, children’s groups, etc etc. You can have a go at starting a ‘hobby company’, making or doing things with no worry about getting enough income.

Seriously, the world’s your oyster with that money. It’s joint money. Invest some, spend some, enjoy your life.

Work offers many other other things besides money, including: social contact, intellectual challenge, sense of achievement, independence. All of these things (well, maybe not the independence) can be achieved in other ways, including volunteering and hobbies, and I say that as someone who happily gave up work at 57 because the stress was doing me in.

A few suggestions for you:-

If your field is compatible with part time work, do that so you have some of the stimulation but your children still get several of your evenings, plus presumably both of you at weekends.

if it isn’t, then look at the volunteering/hobby route to provide the social contact and challenge.

Don’t underestimate the value to your husband’s career of you providing childcare and presumably domestic management as well. There is no need to feel guilty because he is supporting you financially. In fact, if anything, your allowance does not adequately reflect all you are doing. I’d be thinking about a joint account so you have equal access to all the money, plus a regular payment into a pension pot for you to make up for what you’re not able to save yourself at the moment.

To be fair, it is very difficult to find a volunteering or very part time position which offers anything like the intellectual challenge and adrenaline of a high flying, demanding career. If that’s what OP is missing it may be hard to replace.

Still very much a first world problem, obvs.

Get an old unattractive but wonderful nanny when you're ready to study/train/skill up in your chosen field.

Just out of interest why does the nanny need to be old and unattractive?

“Allowance”?! 🤢

Why don’t you both have equal access to family money?

We've recently hired a housekeeper because it's hard to keep on top of the house with two wild boys and a newborn and I'm lucky to be in the position to do this as I know not everyone is.

…

I always read posts like these and feel how sad it is that a woman only feels self worth in employment.

i think if rather than an allowance you had equal say and access to your husband’s earnings you may feel that you were in a partnership rather than him handing over ‘an allowance’.

They will snap you up. Scouting needs volunteers

beavers is in the evening
volunteering is a commitment
your husband works all hours

how do you propose you will be a beaver volunteer when you have a baby and a toddler? will you get babysitters?

Echoing other people’s comments re joint money. You and your husband need to decide what is an appropriate amount of the £800k for you each to have for personal spending and saving and the rest goes in the family pot.

I don’t know what that sum is but it should the same for each of you and at a minimum should be £80k each as that is the amount you have given up to look after your children for the benefit of the family.

Why not? She can afford it. She can have an evening-only nanny if she wants. No law that a nanny has to work daytimes or is to enable paid work.

for sure

but op doesn’t seem to want to employ a nanny for fear of another person raising her child!

Listen OP I had a live in nanny for ten years. I'm a lone parent with a full on career so I actually didn't have a choice. However, it's not like I abandoned my child, it just mean the nanny was there to do the wrap around care when my DD went to school etc and I was able to travel for work.

Stop wringing your hands, if you loved your career wait until your new born is old enough then get back to it. I had to go back to work when mine was 4 months old so consider yourself lucky to have the choice.

My DD is now 14 and at private school. She is lovely and well adjusted so having a nanny isn't going to make your kids sociopathic or anything.

I can empathise in terms of wanting to maximise parental time with the children although I note that your DH doesn't do this/worry about it as much as you. Ultimately, if you really want to go back to work, you can. You say you are desperate, what is stopping you seems to be your ideology that kids should be with their parents 24/7 and not in childcare, again I note this isn't an issue for your DH so in this model you pick up all the slack. I worked 1.5-2 days a week when my kids were really small, and went up to 3 days when they were a bit older. I was more fulfilled and a more present mum for having time away from the kids so the whole family benefitted This was helped by my DH being able to do childcare 1-2 days but we also had a lovely friend who was a nanny and could do 1-2 days as well which was a perfect solution for us as I had total confidence in their ability to look after the kids. My suggestion would be to interview for a part time nanny position to support you while you are on maternity leave, find someone who is lovely and you feel could build a great relationship with the kids, and once you are happy with the arrangement to think about what kind of work/volunteering/time to yourself arrangement would work best for you and the kids.

I agree with the last poster. Your family has the money to pay for a high quality nanny to support everyone. It’s actually probably really beneficial for the children to have another lovely person in their home and lives. We had an au pair for a year and my kids loved her so much. She could do the things I didn’t have the energy or patience for. In your shoes I’d employ a nanny and then start building up a little bit of the life you are missing. It doesn’t need to be full time.

With your name, hire a nanny and also use private school. You can still spend time with your children. You don't have problems with pick up/drop of logistics and ferrying to clubs and back. Use the money to let you live your dream.

@Chalkdowns I totally agree. A great nanny or au pair can really enhance family life. I saw that myself when I nannied (only on a short term thing)

Absolutely, I can relieve you of this if it makes you feel better....

Seriously, hire a nanny & cleaner, go back to work part time. It sounds like you're bored and need to get out the house and have adult time, rather than contribute to your household income.

Incidentally, how do you spend £800k a year? That's a mind-boggling amount of money. I know he's probably paying a chunk of taxes, unless he's a prick and is using 'creative accounting' to avoid tax, but even so. Holy Fuck. £800k. I just can't even.

If you want to work go to work, get childcare. If you don’t want to then don’t. Pathetic post.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your own money, your own job, your own life. That said you've both opted to make sure the children are looked after by at least one of their parents. I think the plan to get some childcare once your baby is a bit older is a great one. Why not get a part-time job doing something you really love? You'll enjoy the children so much more. Plus it'll feel good to have some of your own money. Good luck!