To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

It seems your issue is that you want your DC to have parents who are very available (quite reasonably, informed by your own childhood) but your DH is not very available due to long hours, so you are forced into trying to compensate. There's no balance there where each parent gets a bit of a life outside of parenting.

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it will but here goes...
You don't want a nanny for your children, you want them to be raised by their parents, they rarely see their dad, so you would've known that you would need to be the one to be the sahp🤷🏼‍♀️

It's a choice you've made having a third. If you wanted to get back to work then I don't understand why you're having a third?

I haven’t read the whole thread, can see you’ve rubbed people up the wrong way (and can kind of see why, particularly given the way of the world right now!) but if you want genuine practical suggestions, there are lots of ways you can make money online these days. I don’t know much about it but anything influencer-related, product testing and reviews, blog writing, even Vinted and marketplace activity. You could create a hobby/income for that which might scratch an itch for a year or so.

You wouldn't be left with nothing. You are married, so entitled (rightly) to a large proportion of his income, especially as you have dependants.

And any lawyer with half a brain will know how to challenge that when there is huge amounts of evidence that he was earning this as a salary. It’s not like his primary source of income is secret. It’s absolute dramatic nonsense for OP to fear she could end up homeless and penniless.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

Don't feel guilty! I know its easier said than done, but your husband is only able to earn that much money and do that job because you do what you do at home, being a SAHP is a job! and a bloody hard one!

Could you get a less stressful job somewhere? or so what you do on a SE/consultancy basis so you could pick your own hours? or use this time whilst your children are you and you are financially able to re-train? I just want to point out that I am saying this because you were reluctant to use childcare, you of course can go back full time if you think this will make you feel better.

Do you children have any hobbies that you can help run? or fundraise for? or any other community groups, so many are always looking for extra pairs of hands, and cannot run without them.

Could your DH reduce his hours & go p/t so he can actually see his dc?

You can't have it both ways.
If you both work you need childcare. That's how it works.

Personally I would not be happy with the allowance situation. You're not staff. Your sacrifices are what has allowed him to earn this income. It belongs to both of you.

@isthisthenorm

why not just get a nanny and go back to work part time OP?

Just have all money paid into a joint account. Enjoy time with your new baby and when you feel ready get a nanny or use chilcare and work part time. That way you feel you are contributing to finances and your children at least get to see you more hours during the week.

Obviously, with a baby on the way, any career is on pause right now regardless of everything else about your financial set up.

The question is what you do after that time.

I'd strongly suggest you look at part time work as a useful middle ground. You can aim for it to be 'net 0' to cover 2 or 3 days a week nursery. This is a win-win where you get a bit of what you need from working, while still being extremely present for your kids.

You might not find anything that rewarding in terms of tasks as what you really want is a 'rock up, do the job but still have loads of energy for home' type job - so think about what things interest you and how else you get fulfilment - think about the type of people you want to work with, or the ethos of the company (eg, find a job with a local charity so your work is ethically fulfilling).

In the meantime, I'd not be worrying about this for a while until your baby is at least 9-12 months, since you're in the fortunate position to be able to stay at home for the major first year milestones.

Eg:
In my village, people volunteer and/or work in the community owned village shop. These are part time shifts that would work perfectly with a kid in nursery for a morning or two a week. It's not hard work, but you are involved with the local community, forge good friendships and have a sense of self-worth.

The financial side of things really doesn't matter btw - all you needed to say is 'I don't need to work due to my husband's income and have substantial private savings'.

The thing is OP you’re saying you want the freedom that come with work but also your choice is not to have paid childcare, even part time day 2 days a week. You’re in the same position as many mothers find themselves. The only difference is you’re minted. I stayed at home for 7 years after having my kids and loved those early years with them. They have adjusted well to childcare on the 3 days a week I now work which is working well for all of us.
The choice is literally yours. Pay for a couple of days of childcare a week and go back to work or don’t.

You are doing THE most important job, which is raising children who knew they were wanted and loved by their parents so they turn into well adjusted adults. Money can't buy that security, so you're already doing amazing job by wanting to be a present parent.

However, I know it is hard and you can only stretch yourself so much. I'd look into something like distance learning, add another string to your bow so to speak. So you feel like you are progressing too. I wouldn't put any pressure on yourself with this though. Focus on being a good mum and looking after yourself too for the time being, I know it can be an internal struggle. You're new arrival will be the centre of your world soon enough.

If you want DH to have a more prominent role in their lives then tell him, you only get one shot at getting childhood right. If that's not an option, then ensure you get some extra support from family or nanny for a little helping hand.

I think this is the ideal time to be thinking about this because of shared parental leave. Can he take some? I'd then look at part time for you - and him!! He sounds well established in his role he could look at 4 days a week. You could then work 3 days with 2 days for nursery/wrap round care

Bless the hearts of all the people who think that people in 800k jobs can “reduce their hours” or “go part time”.

That’s not how these jobs work. They can retire early and change their jobs to a portfolio of consultancy and non-exec directorships, but you don’t say “oh I’ll work 3 days a week and just earn 500k”.

Get your kids into daycare and get back to work

Agree with pp it would be excellent if he could take some shared parental leave.

But then after that find a 2.5 or 3 day per week job and get a nanny. You'll still see plenty of the children. Ideally look for flexibility in when you can get the work done so you can for example work a mix of full days and half days so that when kids are in school you can work in school hours

Underestimated the questions? You've asked the same question multiple times when it was answered in the first few sentences of the OP. I think saying she's not intelligent enough to respond is a bit rich.

It's more the freedom

Can you say more about this?

You have a lot more freedom than most. You are free to get a part-time job - you could seek one that works around school times ( I have a job like this) or start a small business of your own. You could, as others say, hire a nanny and get a more conventional job. You have freedom to volunteer, to spend your time on leisure pursuits, personal goals and interests. So I am not quite sure what ' freedom' means to you?

Or do you mean ' independence' as in financial independence? If this is an issue you can discuss it with your husband so that assets etc are put in your name so that you are in a stronger financial position if you divorce. As you say, you could ask for more 'allowance' and save that. You sound like you would get a good financial settlement from such a high earner anyway.

I would start a business and ask my hubby to be the first investor - why not. It will keep you busy, it’s something to do. You clearly don’t need to make any extra income on your end for the family to stay afloat, so why not invest in a hobby and turn it into something.

I don’t know why people can be so negative and judgemental sometimes, some of these replies are awful.

It simply sounds like a mother that asks herself the same question we all ask as mums independent of the amount of wages we have - ‘should I go back to work for more independence or shall I spend the maximum time with the children while they are young?’ Whilst some of us don’t have a choice and have to work, she does have a choice.

I had exactly the same conundrum when I had my children, because being at home can make me absolutely crazy. I am the worst stay at home mum there is because I am rubbish at tidying and cleaning but love the spend time with my children. Our finances were good enough for me to do that, but in the end I had to go to work, part-time for sanity reasons and to feel less dependent.

I do agree with the statement that having a joint account makes all the difference, that way you feel like you are in it together and you are not asking for ‘pocket money’.

You seem to be confusing working and earning, OP.
Bringing up children is work. You have no need to leave your children and get a job.
If the dynamics between you and your husband aren't good, then couples counselling might help.

Hope all goes well with birthing new baby

You could have a day-only nanny say 3 days a week. Best of both worlds. Lots of time to see the kiddos and time for some work. Then as they get older, you can increase your days/switch jobs etc

First things first, make the most of maternity and structure it in a way that is enriching for you. For example going to baby classes with friends, or baby jogging in the park to keep fit, that kind of thing so that you aren’t completely drained. You probably have a home gym - use it daily to keep your endorphins up.

All of this to ensure you are physically and mentally prepared for steps two and three.

Step two: you have a pile of money, with more coming in from DH, you can grow and invest this in stocks/shares, property or something along those lines that once the initial set up is done you are relatively hands off. At the very least make sure you are getting interest of 5%+ and are using your ISA allowance. Needless to say keep up with your pension contributions.

Consider setting up a business that can be done from home mostly or working in a part time capacity (initially until all 3 children are in school).

Your younger children should be in nursery/school anyway, you have tonnes of money to hire a nanny, no doubt you have a cleaner, beauty treatments galore to rejuvenate yourself and feel fresh….

I mean really the world is your oyster as others have said.

Maybe it doesn’t feel that way as another baby is being added into the mix and it feels monotonous, but that won’t be forever.

I would use this time to get yourself into the best position you can for more fulfilment post maternity.

Also, everyone, no matter how wealthy or not they are does feel like this - the loss of self and autonomy that comes with having children. You aren’t alone in that.